The following article is from Qian Zhiliang Studio, written by Qian Zhiliang
Many parents will encounter this situation more or less in the process of accompanying their children:
In the face of a little challenging things, children are afraid to try, run away, delay time, or simply give up.
They will put "I can't" and "I won't" on their lips, and no matter how much adults encourage them, they will not try.
How should children who are afraid of difficulties guide? Today's article will provide you with 3 guiding ideas.
Provide psychological support
Some parents say, "I often encourage my children, but they are still afraid of difficulties. ”
Think back, how do we encourage our children?
"It's not that hard"
"It's simple"
"If others can do it, so can you"
"I'm sure you can"
On the surface, these encouragements can be uplifting, but parents overlook the fact that if the child still can't do it and can't do it well, these words are a second blow to the child.
It is implying that the child:
"Everyone says it's easy, I still won't, am I too bad?"
This is also the key reason why many parents cheer up their children but have little effect, and these words even increase the child's sense of helplessness.
Children have a fear of difficulties, we first need to help children recognize this emotion.
A young man who has just graduated is not comfortable with working life, and the interpersonal relationships at work make her more stressed every day.
When she confided her troubles to a powerful senior, the senior told her:
"When I first entered the society, I was like you, or even not as good as you, and I was also a little calm."
Although the senior's words did not completely make her pressure disappear, they helped her unload her psychological burden. It turned out that she was not alone in finding her job difficult, and she began to face her current stage of "incompetence", vulnerability and imperfection.
The same goes for comforting discouraged children. We need to see his difficulties, recognize the frustration he is experiencing, and provide him with some psychological support.
When the child realizes that you do not reject his vulnerability and withdrawal, it is not shameful to be afraid of difficulties, and this feeling of recognition and acceptance will give the child the courage to try again.
Reference Techniques:
"This matter is really difficult for you now."
"It takes time to do this well, let's take our time."
Guide your child's thinking to change
Why are many children afraid of failure?
What they are afraid of is not the failure itself, but the judgment of those around them after the failure, especially the judgment of their parents.
They are afraid of being ridiculed, afraid of being blamed, afraid of being criticized, afraid of not being loved.
Parents only sing about success, and the explanation of "not doing well" often makes them feel worthless.
As a result, they will find ways to avoid challenging things so that they can avoid the emotional experiences that frighten them.
From this point of view, it is not so much that children are afraid of failure, but that adults cannot accept children's failure.
The child's thinking mode, parents should guide him to change.
From "I can't" to "I'll give it a try"
From "I won't" to "I'll learn slowly"
From "I can't do it" to "I don't have to do it now, I still have time"
From "failure is over" to "failure means experience, next effort to do better"
From "not doing well means that I can't do it" to "It seems that I haven't worked hard enough on this matter." ”
The latter mindset can be educated and cultivated.
As Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford University, said, "The key to education is to convince the child that he has the power to make himself better." ”
To do this, in addition to the parents themselves to put losing and winning in perspective, it is also important to "explain style".
For example, use a positive and objective attitude to analyze the child's current situation; Usually criticize the child to pay attention to the wording, such as insufficient practice, improper methods, not sticking to the end, etc., to avoid blaming the child's personality or ability; Guide children to value the process over the outcome...
Because children learn causal analysis of various events from their parents, their self-evaluation system is also closely related to their parents' language.
I remember a mother once said:
The child was encouraged by the teacher to sign up for the school's speech contest, and the night before the contest, he felt a little nervous.
He said to his mother, "If I don't get the ranking, will you think I'm embarrassed?" ”
The mother was surprised, and at that moment, she realized that the child was more afraid of disappointing his parents than she thought.
She said to the child:
"How so? Someone gets a ranking, and someone doesn't, which is normal.
Mom thinks that whether you win the ranking or not, this event, you can sign up, is a brave attempt! ”
She tries to make the child understand: "Don't be afraid to do badly, the process of hard work is more important than the result, if you have tried, you are not afraid of failure." ”
Many times, the courage of children to face difficulties is given by their parents.
To alleviate the child's fear of difficulties, to give the child a "fault tolerance space", accept the child's not excellent side, parents show this kind of normality, will let the child have no scruples to try bravely.
Reference Techniques:
"Take it easy, participate in the process is the most important, even if you fail, it will not affect our love for you."
"This time you did it wrong, it doesn't matter, next time you will know how to do it"
"You just can't do it now, take more time and strive to do better next time."
Provide specific help when your child asks for it
When a child says, "I can't," sometimes it's psychological fear, and sometimes it's really that the ability hasn't been reached.
In this case, verbal comfort is limited.
When he takes the initiative to ask for help, we need to help the child set a goal of "jumping and reaching", appropriately reducing the difficulty or breaking down the task.
Some examples:
Children dare not speak on stage, we can first let the child practice speech alone in the room, and then let the child speak in front of the mother, and then increase the audience, step by step to increase the difficulty;
If a piece is always played wrong, we can put the error-prone areas and practice them separately;
When learning difficulties, encourage your child to pass the next exam before adjusting upwards.
Help your child take the first step and let him complete small goals one by one on his own, and his sense of control over the task will increase.
Reference Techniques:
"Mom accompanies you to figure it out"
"We can start with this simple little thing..."
Of course, it does not mean that as soon as the child encounters difficulties, we immediately have to step forward to help, unless the child takes the initiative to ask for help or you find through observation that they have been stuck in that situation and cannot go further, otherwise, we do not have to weaken the child's ability to bear it too much.
Children need to fail, but also need to feel discouraged, restless and powerless, when we impulsively help children while depriving them of the opportunity to become stronger.
The more growth experience children gain through their own practice and personal feelings, the more they will have a sense of trust in the external environment, and have the courage and courage to meet various challenges.
Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio
Image source: Photogram