Author | Heartwarming
Source | Satya Parenting (ID: Satiryuer)
My son has been particularly abrasive since he was in the fourth grade.
When he gets up in the morning, the alarm clock has to go off twenty minutes in advance to wake him up, and he has to be urged countless times to wash, eat, and go to school before he moves.
When he comes home from school at night, he must not only urge but also pay attention to homework, otherwise he can grind half an hour's homework to two or three hours to write.
No matter how much I urged and scolded, he seemed to have a low interest in learning, and he complained every day about "why study".
At one point, I was about to collapse.
Later, a friend woke me up with a word:
Children are more and more opposite, you have to learn reverse parenting, if you don't care about him, he will definitely start to worry.
He doesn't want to write homework, you just take it once or twice and don't let him write, he will remember long when criticized by the teacher.
After listening to her, I did the "experiment" the next day.
That day, instead of staring at him doing his homework, I let him "move freely."
Because he wasn't reminded to write his homework, he had forgotten to write his homework that day.
Early the next morning, I just told him to get up and put breakfast on the table.
The result: Not only was he late for school that day, he didn't finish his homework, and he was punished by the teacher for standing for a day.
Sure enough, as soon as he returned that night, he hurried to write his homework, twice as fast as usual.
It was also from that day that his "rubbing disease" slowly became less and less.
Many parents are always working as "animal trainers", forcing their children with a tough attitude;
In the end, it makes the child more and more disgusted with us.
In fact, parents should learn to "reverse parenting" and conquer their children with the education method of "overcoming rigidity with softness".
Professor Cai Dan of Shanghai Normal University once said:
Reverse parenting is an effective way to raise children.
But only if parents really trust their children and support them.
Yes, if we can trust children.
No need to scold, preach, reason, you can still use the "gentle method" to conquer children.
So, what is the right thing to do?
Punitive "reverse parenting" is "laying a mine" for children
Seeing a video on Weibo about "mother taking the baby away in the middle of the night" has a high popularity.
After two o'clock in the morning, the two-year-old girl wanted to go out to play, and it was useless to coax.
So the mother "satisfied" her daughter and took her out to play late at night,
When the girl had had enough and wanted to go home, her mother refused, saying that she would "play until dawn before coming home".
The girl cried at that time and said to her mother: "My little hands are cold, I want my mother to warm me for a while".
But my mother still didn't compromise.
Until my daughter broke down and cried, saying things like "I want my mother to take me home and never come out to play again",
Only eventually did Mom agree to take her home.
This may be what most parents call "reverse parenting."
But this way of making the child "disgusted" to prevent the child from doing something is more of a punishment.
Especially at the moment when the girl broke down and cried, there was only fear in her heart.
This is also what psychology calls "aversion therapy":
Combine abstinence from bad behavior with unpleasant or punitive stimuli to form an averse reflex.
Like what:
The child likes to play games, so let him keep playing and review it every day;
The child likes to watch TV, so let him watch it all night and not sleep...
This way of making children disgusted and fearful, it will only suppress the needs of children.
Repressed children may eventually become -
Satisfying the parent-child relationship to compromise the child will deepen the child's hatred of the parents.
Children can hate play in this way today, and they may also hate learning tomorrow because of this way.
The child's suppressed desire either allows him to explode in silence or learn to curry favor under high-pressure policies.
Any kind of education that suppresses and disgusts children will only bring harm to children in the end.
So what is the right "reverse parenting"?
Parents are "weaker" in the face of children's emotions
After the age of 2, the child's self-centered stage gradually develops and perfects, and he will have his own ideas and needs.
But due to their limited abilities, the misalignment of desires and actual abilities, psychological frustration and powerlessness can make them grumpy:
want to snack and lose your temper without being satisfied;
Losing your temper with your partner;
I have to lose my temper after being criticized by my mother for a few words ...
At this time, what is the way many of our parents treat their children's emotions?
Resist and suppress yourself, and use the same emotions to stop the child from losing his temper.
As one expert put it:
If the child has 60 points of emotion, the mother may have 80 points of emotion;
When the child's mood becomes 90 points, the mother's possibility becomes 95 points...
In the end, they all became slaves to their emotions.
As a matter of fact
When a child loses his temper, he is "looking for love" from his parents to confirm his or her importance.
The best way to deal with it is to "show weakness" and let the child find value.
There is such a story:
Because the 4-year-old son always suddenly loses his temper, the more the father reprimands, the stronger his emotions become.
Later, Dad changed his method, but he didn't expect the effect to be unexpectedly good.
When his son suddenly lost his temper again, the dad crouched down and shouted to the child: I need a hug!
At this time, the child was stunned and asked: What?
Dad shouted again: Can you hug me?
The son looked completely confused, but he reluctantly gave his father a hug.
Then father and son melted into each other's arms.
In fact, a small hug conveys "I need you" to the child, which makes the child valuable.
Sometimes, the child's temper is not an emotion, but a kind of favor from the parents.
When we give it to him, his emotions disappear.
The "weak emotions" of parents can make each other's emotions perfectly balanced.
When a child rebels, "retreat as progress"
Research data show that girls enter puberty around the age of 10 and boys around the age of 12.
American psychologist Hollingworth calls it the "psychological weaning period".
At this time, the child's sense of independence gradually matures, and he always wants to "fight for power" for himself.
However, many parents still refuse to give up power to their children and want to manage everything.
Teacher Chen Mo said: When children feel that they are not allowed to be allowed to grow up, they begin to resist.
When children cannot have "freedom", they will fight it through rebellious behaviors such as talking back, being grumpy, acting rude and rude.
When encountering a child in the rebellious period, parents must not be tough;
Instead, use the "retreat as progress" education to convince your child.
Mr. Lu Xun wrote in "Silent China":
Chinese's temperament always likes to reconcile and compromise.
For example, if you say that this room is too dark, and saying that opening a skylight here must not be allowed.
But if you advocate tearing down the roof, they will come and reconcile and be willing to open the skylight.
This behavior came to be known in psychology as the "demolition effect."
If used in education, it can be understood as:
When we make a request to our child,
First put forward difficult to complete the big request, and then make appropriate concessions, put forward small requirements, the other party will weigh the pros and cons, and it is easier to accept the latter.
For example:
We don't let the child play games, and when he resists, we can allow him to play the game for a while after he finishes, so that he will not resist so much.
In the way of retreat, the harmony of parent-child relationship can be obtained under the satisfaction of both parties.
When parents "soften", children will also let go of their defenses and are more willing to cooperate with their parents to achieve a win-win situation of parent-child relationship and learning efficiency.
When your child asks, "meet her"
One netizen said: My daughter is often late for school.
In order to cure her daughter's love of being late, she deliberately slowed down her movements in the morning and deliberately made her daughter late.
Sure enough.
After arriving late that day, my daughter deeply realized the disadvantages of procrastination, and she was never urged by her parents to go to school every morning.
This kind of education is called "experiential parenting".
When a child makes an unreasonable request within the scope of principles, it is better to let her feel it directly once than to refuse it a hundred times "no, not allowed, not to".
Children will only grow up when they have trial and error.
A scientist once told about an experience in his childhood.
At the age of two, he spilled a bottle of milk on the floor. After seeing it, my mother did not blame him, but asked him very gently:
"Wow, I've never seen so much milk on the ground, since the damage has been done, do you want to play for a while and we'll clean it again?"
After he happily played on the milk beach for a few minutes, his mother said, "It's time for us to clean up, do you prefer a sponge, a towel, or a mop?" ”
Later, his mother accompanied him to clean up the milk on the ground.
Mom didn't scold him for making a mistake, but used it as an opportunity for trial and error.
He carried out his mother's teachings throughout his life.
Every time he faced a challenge, every difficult scientific experiment, he told himself, "Try it, even if I fail, I can learn a lot from it." ”
Let the child try and make mistakes within the appropriate and safe range to make him go the right way.
Letting the child feel it once will be better than preaching a hundred times.
Parents allow their children to experience it under the premise of grasping the degree, which is a precious treasure in life.
When children ask questions, learn to say "I won't"
A well-known actor once shared an experience with his daughter.
When my daughter was young, she didn't dare to play with even the most basic building blocks.
Later, after observing for a while, she found that her daughter did not play with blocks because she played too well and made her think she was stupid.
After knowing this, she deliberately built the building blocks, and then deliberately let the blocks collapse, and deliberately went to "ask" her daughter.
As a result, the daughter not only played with the blocks again, but also continued to correct her mother's mistakes, and the blocks got better and better.
The more perfect the parents behave, the stronger the child's inferiority complex.
If parents can reduce their sense of superiority and face their children in a "weak" way, his enthusiasm to do things will also increase greatly.
Educate children to learn to switch roles.
In front of outsiders, you can do anything, but in front of children, you have to learn to "play the fool".
In the program "Teacher, Please Answer", when a doctor was asked "would he help his child with homework at home", he replied like this:
In our family, we basically don't teach children much, and when children have questions and ask, we say "I don't understand this, you can teach me."
Being "weak" in front of the child not only enhances the child's confidence and value, but also allows the child to cultivate his independent ability in exploration and thinking.
If you can eventually make your child excellent, what does it matter if the parents are "weak".
Write at the end
The real meaning of reverse parenting is not to carry a punitive aversion, but to let the child grow up with responsibility.
Break the conventional "father is strong and son is weak" situation,
The experience of "teaching by example" about one's own behavior and making decisions is often more valuable than the "word" teaching of parents.
We focus on educating children:
"Reverse parenting" is carried out on the basis of trial and error, seeing, exploration and cooperation.
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