#暑期创作大赛#
0. Preface
I studied civil engineering at a university that was not a third-rate or inferior, and after graduating, I changed five jobs. The first job was in a construction unit, could not stand the hardships on the construction site, suffered for half a year, and resigned.
In the blink of an eye, three years later, the current job is a salesman of female body care products for low-income people in the city, living in a bungalow that is about to be demolished in the suburbs, riding a bicycle every day in various low-end communities to find business, occasionally encountering lonely old women can also go to the fire, the price is to give a set of skin care products. Think of the days when I used to be at school, spending my family's money with peace of mind, sleeping every day as a matter of course, and then watching a movie or playing dota or airplane in front of the computer. The ideal at that time was to drive a luxury car many years later to pick up the freshman students out to shop then fuck. However, the reality is what the fuck! My writer brother Ma Yan often said: "Ideals and reality are like the front and back of underwear, and the front is topped by JB, full of vitality; The back was caught in the butt groove, and it could only survive. ”
1. Ma Yan
In the corner near the window was a clothesline, on which hung a pair of panties. The sunlight was just shining in from the window, and the lonely panties and dust floated in the light together, like the starry sky at night. I lay in bed, thinking of my brother Ma Yan.
Last month, Ma Yan, who had been with me for two years, returned to his hometown.
On the day Ma Yan left, I couldn't bear to say goodbye, I told him, Liang Shiqiu and Gulong have said, you go, I won't send you, you come, no matter how windy or rainy, I will pick you up. Ma Yan said, don't be pretentious, there is no unbroken banquet in the world.
I turned my head away from looking at him, squinting out the window. The cigarette in his hand immediately burned to the butt of the cigarette, dusted off the soot, took a sharp puff, and the cigarette lit up fiercely before the end of his life.
I said that I went to work, remember to lock the door when I left, don't bring anything you don't need, how tired it is to bring it with you, and staying here can also be regarded as a thought for my brother.
I got on my bike to work, and when I came back, my brother was gone. He cleaned the house as he left. I searched and left nothing but panties on the clothesline.
When we first met, I told him: Horse eye is a good name, representing vitality.
"What do you say?"
"Isn't the horse's eye the slit on the glans, for sperm, it's like a dragon gate, jumping over, you may become a person."
The horse eye and said: "To correct your two mistakes, first of all, my name is not the eye of the eye, it is the hot flame next to the word king; Secondly, if you hit the plane, the horse's eye is the hell gate of sperm. ”
"In short, it represents hope!"
Ma Yan and I both have a lot of quirks. I like to throw cigarette butts into Coke and drink them the next day; Ma Yan loves literature and art, but they are all novels and movies with heavy tastes, calling himself Wang Xiaobo asked the lackeys, like Chuck Palanik, he often told me the story of the Holy Intestine written by Palanik: a boy diving in his swimming pool to play a plane, sitting bare-assed on the water inlet of the swimming pool filtration and circulation motor, as a result, the butt was sucked by the water inlet, in order to escape, the intestines were torn off abruptly, and at the end of the story, the boy's sister who had not been in love had an abortion.
Ma Yan himself also wrote novels, he completely abandoned the ancestors, the article is full of reproductive organs and reproductive organ products, he has a novel that begins like this: "Life is like a sanitary napkin, full days are discarded by us", in addition to his love of studying the subconscious mind and dreams, he said that once he dreamed that a man was stroking his head, and he kept spitting, and woke up to find that he had lost sperm. What did I ask him mean? He said that according to Freud's theory, this is the image of a dream, stroking the head is hitting an airplane, and spitting is ejaculation. I want to ask him why in the dream a man is touching his head, what does that man look like? Thinking about the answer he might give, I shuddered and held back my question.
When he wrote his novel, I mostly sat next to me, drinking Coke while admiring, and when I drank half a bottle of Coke with a cigarette butt in one gulp, and when I burped comfortably, he would excitedly say, "It's so exciting, it inspires me." Then he wrote: We dragged our huge penis all the way west.
Once I gave him a lot of pointers, and this guy was imitating the literary imagery created by Borges, and I drew a picture for him next to him, and I said you can write like this.
Each point represents a choice, the curve represents the story line, different choices will have different story lines, these story lines will meet in the next time and space, and finally the story returns to the original choice, time and space are intertwined, endless.
There are more than two choices in reality, and there will be different results if it develops according to different choices, and the story lines will be scattered, which is a coincidence shown in the figure
My common hobby with Ma Yan, except for the woman is Borges' "Garden where the Paths Diverge," said that the popular science I told him made him understand the article further. I told him that time is actually the biggest human scam. There is simply such a thing as time, if anything, every moment the cells are constantly changing, that is, every moment, is experiencing life and death, and you are dead in the last second. Abandon the concept of time, the world will be much better, wind, clouds, summer thunder, winter rain and snow, such a beautiful scenery, why does it have to be related to the passage of time.
Ma Yan's assessment of me is: "A self-contradictory scientific theory with a half-hung head, one will tell people a brief history of time, and the other will say that he does not believe in the existence of time." ”。
Ma Yan has a bad stomach, mainly intestines, long-term constipation. He doesn't feel hungry when he's constipated. When the two of us first met, having no money to eat, hunger and nerve dullness and numbness seemed to me to be quite a magical ability. At that time, my hungry stomach was croaking, I couldn't smoke a cigarette, and he was leisurely swallowing clouds and mist there. I said we had to find a way to get something to eat. He said, you think, I'm not hungry, I have a lot of days in my body, I can absorb it twice. I decided to learn this method, my face was purple and I didn't go to the toilet, but I was still hungry, so hungry that I didn't even have the strength to. After three days of starvation, I became extremely weak, slowly felt that my body did not exist, my consciousness became an independent individual, flew into space, overlooked the earth, and the earth became a chocolate ball. Consciousness closes its eyes and enters a meditative state, like an old monk who has entered meditation. Suddenly, when the head hit, the consciousness woke up and realized a truth: only when you are full do you have the strength to.
When I opened my eyes, I saw a dangling chicken leg and a smug face.
Now, Ma Yan is gone, leaving me alone. Just like when we both first met, I became extremely weak. It's just that last time it was because of hunger, and my body couldn't hold it; And this time it was because of my spiritual emptiness.
2. Schrödinger's Ma Yan
I fell asleep in a daze, but I had a nightmare like a ghost pressing the bed, and a sense of oppression descended, and some kind of fear gripped my lungs and respiratory tract. Close your eyes and see clearly: the sea is in the sky, jellyfish swim, green melons, red gritty meat, dimly lit and swaying, a play on the stage, figures looming from time to time, clowns playing acrobatics, casting pots, blacksmithing, selling medicinal herbs are shouting. I wanted to get closer to what they were shouting, and everyone's faces turned into Ma Yan, and he said: "I used to think that what you said about science popularization was quite nonsense, but I didn't expect it to be true..."
I like to teach Ma Yan about popular science, and when I went to school, my main energy was spent on popular science books. By the end of my research, I understood Newton's focus on theology in his later years. I became utter idealism.
Ma Yan said: "Don't put a high hat on yourself, you are feudal superstition." ”
Don't believe it, in the microscopic world, our existing mechanical system and common sense do not apply. For example, Schrödinger's cat, when the observer's consciousness is involved, affects the final test results. This shows that the phrase we have a sense of material determination from elementary school should be said the other way around.
The world we live in is one of the smallest in the world of grandmothers. From the perspective of the three thousand worlds, we are a microcosm, a civilized creature in a high dimension, whose consciousness can change our material state. From our point of view, our sensory structure is three-dimensional, and our consciousness is high-dimensional, and Adam and Eve stole the apple and touched a magic that imprisoned consciousness that was not originally human in the body. People are born to suffer because the soul and consciousness cannot be liberated. Most people's growth experience, struggle for material things, slowly wear down the power of consciousness, throughout their lives, success or failure, in fact, are depressed. Only a small number of people, awakened to consciousness, broke free from the cage, and attained great fulfillment, are philosophers or theologians. Therefore, if we want joy, we must not only strive for material things, but also think about the ultimate problems of mankind, and make it our mission to save the human soul from the sea of suffering.
"This is the reason why you don't work hard?"
After Ma Yan left, I often fell into a state of imagination, always feeling that something happened to Ma Yan. I did not dare to call him, for fear of hearing a stranger's voice tell me in a cold or sad tone: he was dead.
Ma Yan has become Schrödinger's cat, and now he is a superposition of life and death for me, as long as I call to contact, his life and death is a state of certainty.
I always felt like he was dead.
March, September
It was hot when Ma Yan left, and I was depressed for a week and decided to go out to work. When I opened the door, I remembered a poem that Ma Yan often said: "I sobbed and cried nothing, and I beat my horse across the grassland alone."
Closing the door, I feel a little dizzy, as if I am in an oven, the heat is floating. It's a shantytown, low and depressing, but it's an ideal place for me and Ma Yan. In addition to being cheap, people who live here will not feel inferior. The people who live here are all migrant workers or the oldest indigenous people in the city, and each bungalow is detained with feelings that cannot bear the demolition of old houses or the expectation of mediating with the government to increase compensation, or they never want to stay in the city, but just want to work to make money to change the quality of life of their hometown families. No, it's not that I didn't want to stay, but I didn't dare to hope for it anymore.
There is a big "jin" written on the wall opposite the residence (there is also a wall on the street where I live), and behind that wall lives a couple, a man about thirty-five or six years old, working part-time, with a hairstyle I have never seen before, very ugly, he said that his wife cut it. Men go out during the day to earn money, and at night we go home, and we often meet on the way home and occasionally have a few words. I said I haven't seen your wife go out yet. He said that his wife was disfigured and burned, and she used to be a beautiful girl.
Henry Miller said: "When you feel confused, just fuck! ”
Ma Yan said: "No money and no woman, fuck myself." ”
When Ma Yan was still there, every night we sat in front of the window, looking at the opposite window, the woman's figure reflected on the window, bumpy, front and back, very beautiful, we like to fantasize about her Ena's body. Ma Yan was bolder, sometimes waiting for them to turn out the lights and sneak under his window to see if he could hear the live version of the bed, but unfortunately, every time Ma Yan came back, I asked him if he heard anything? Ma Yan said: "I can only feel that my breathing has changed from rapid to smooth. ”
The couple moved in much earlier than we did, and the man said, "That jin character was originally a deciphering character, and there lived a retired old teacher and a stubborn old man living here." As soon as the demolition office staff finished writing the demolition words, the old man led a group of children with a shovel and said, children, how can you make a sentence about this word demolition, 'I am a robber, I will come to demolish your house'. Shovel the dot off, say this word pronounced, how to make a sentence, 'If you don't let the house be demolished, you will discount your legs'. Shovel off the side of the handle, leaving this jin character, the old man said how to make a sentence about this, 'Don't look at how many pounds you have, fight with us'. ”
The year I first met Ma Yan, the whole summer was so hot. All summer, we were on the run for a relatively decent job. Although in the end I sold cosmetics, Ma Yan chose to write for a living, he writes without a computer, in his words, paper and pen are a feeling, in fact, the fundamental reason is that we don't have money to buy a computer.
Once when Ma Yan and I were looking for a job, we met a man who sold WordArt autographs. Ma Yan went to ask the family to write "Walk in silence, walk in the sky, and the penis hangs upside down".
"Write a name for two dollars, and a name is counted according to three words", the man rolled his eyes like a fortune teller, pinched his fingers, and chanted words in his mouth, and then he said to Ma Yan: "You should charge 12 yuan for this total of 16 words." ”
Ma Yan said: "No, the last word is two dollars, it's not cost-effective." ”
"I don't even count your money with this punctuation, brother."
"No, you add two horizontal bars to me at the end, and then write the word wavelet."
I asked the man to write, "The end of science is theology." It cost six bucks.
I was carrying a bag of cosmetics, standing at the door of the house, looking at the big "jin" character on the opposite side, a heat wave hit, and I felt a little trance. With his hands on his knees, he bent over, exhaled and looked up, and there were shadows in front of him, and there were figures everywhere. With my bike under the tree in front and shade in front, I staggered over, the distance getting longer and longer, and time seemed to stand still...
Fourth, vacuum cleaners and ants
I woke up in my own bed with a ton of TNT buried in my head that could explode at any moment.
Heat stroke? How long did you sleep? Who got me into the room? The more I think about it, the more my head hurts, and now I think about the fuse that will ignite that pile of explosives. I simply closed my eyes and emptied my head.
Emptiness, void, endless void, Ma Yan's face emerged. Immediately followed by the limbs, he crouched to the side without saying a word, and slowly showed a playful smile on his face. Once, I told him the story of ants. The ant sensed the presence of the vacuum cleaner and excitedly said: Our science has advanced again.
What are you trying to express? Ma Yan asked disdainfully.
"It shows that when human beings discovered black holes and narcissistic thought that their science and technology had advanced, it was actually the advanced civilization of the universe that had just invented the black hole. And it is possible that they spied on our existence through black holes: "Aha, there are still these things in the universe", just like Columbus discovered the New World. Don't you think humans are ridiculous? ”
Then you say that after alien creatures find us, will they come to destroy us?
Humans may wishfully think like this, but people don't take you seriously, just as you don't think about killing ants.
After listening to me, he wrote on Weibo: "I have a brother who does the most menial work, but he is mocking all living beings. After he wrote this sentence, the smile on his face was no different from the moment.
I immediately opened my eyes, everything was gone, and I looked around, and the panties in the corner and the artistic signature at the end of the bed came into view.
The head was empty again, and Ma Yan appeared again.
I perceived this special ability of myself, similar to an out-of-body ability.
When I was bored, I started trying to connect with Ma Yan. Every time he saw Ma Yan, he was silent. I asked him where are you? Are you dead? Your family called me some time ago and asked why you kept not contacting them. Ma Yan didn't speak, his eyes flashed with strange silence, and I wondered if I could see him, he couldn't see me. A few days later, I saw Ma Yan, who kept smiling, his eyes looked at me, and I asked him where you were. He said brother, do you want to get out of here, I'll take you.
I shouted at him, "Although Lao Tzu believes in ghosts and gods and believes in reincarnation, Lao Tzu does not want to leave this world." My ideals have not yet been realized, I want to see idealism defeat materialism, I want to see the collapse of the current edifice of science. ”
The last time I saw Ma Yan in the air, I said to him, I'm sorry brother, I shouldn't have lost my temper with you last time. He said nerves
Ah, do we both still have to apologize?
"Can you tell me who got me back into the house last time I had a heat stroke coma?" I first thought it was you, but my sixth sense kept telling me that you were dead. ”
Ma Yan bit his finger and was silent for a while and said, "That woman on the other side saved you." ”
5. A woman full of scars
I haven't heard the man on the other side locking his bike in recent days, and I guess I might be sick like me. However, the figure of the woman is still seen every day, and the last time I saw Ma Yan in the void, my body miraculously recovered. I was sitting in front of the window as usual playing a plane, and suddenly I saw a woman waving at me in front of the opposite window. I hesitated, thinking that Ma Yan had said that she had saved me, and if it weren't for her, I might have been sunburned, inflated like a balloon, draining pus, and smelling maggots. I decided to go over and say thank you.
Knocking on the door, the woman who had been raped countless times by me and Ma Yan in various positions appeared at the door. The woman wore a mask and a hat with a low brim, but a small part of her exposed skin was covered with scars. I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach, but then there was a smell of meat that pressed down the food residue that reached my throat.
The woman asked me to enter, and there was only a small round table and two benches in the living room, and a letter spread out on the round table. The woman asked me to sit on the bench with my back to the door.
The woman said enthusiastically: "Your body is still relatively weak, I cooked meat, let's eat it here today." ”
Sure enough, the woman saved me.
Now I sell cosmetics with a fixed community and customers, the income is basically stable, I earn about 1,000 yuan a month, excluding the rent of 350 a month, smoking 200, phone bill 50, buy toilet paper 20. The rest of the money is a little more extravagant to eat meat, and the food is just right.
Meat was quite attractive to me, and I said to women, "Then you're welcome." ”
The woman said: "You sit and wait, the meat is cooked, I will serve you a bowl"
The woman brought the meat and put it in front of me, clamped a piece and put it in her mouth, maybe I haven't eaten meat in a long time, ho, this meat is so fragrant, better than any meat I've eaten before.
As I ate the meat, I looked up at the woman, who picked up the letter on the table and said, "This is a letter from my son, who is in the third grade." The woman said and handed the letter over and looked at me expectantly.
I know that the woman wants me to praise her son's words or let me take a closer look and boast that his son's letters are written smoothly.
With my mind on the woman and the flesh, I glanced casually and said, "The words are very well written." The woman was happy to hear it. She said: "My son is very smart, but a little honest and introverted, he has been bullied at school before, you see what is written in this letter, some time ago, when the classmates bullied him, he smashed the man's head and bleed. My son is braver than before and has become a man. ”
I remembered some time ago that the newspaper wrote about the mass suicide of several left-behind children in Guizhou. My mind returned for a moment and said, "This big sister you need to pay attention to." Your son is now a left-behind child, and the lack of family care can easily cause mental illness. You'd better stay alone at home watching your children. ”
"It's okay, I still have my mother-in-law at home, my mother-in-law is not in good health, just so they can take care of each other."
"Where is the eldest sister's house, why did they all come out to work?"
"My family is from a mountain village, there is too little arable land, growing food can only barely solve the problem of food and clothing, and there are no suitable cash crops, and it is a problem for children to go to school, this is not the first few years, my mother-in-law is not in good health, I went to see a doctor and borrowed some money, I couldn't afford to pay back, so our husband and wife decided to come out to work."
"Why don't you bring the baby?"
"There was an old man in our village, his children and grandchildren were outside, he was lonely, and the whole thing shouted that it was not interesting to live, and finally hanged himself. We didn't dare to take our son over, and my son was by his grandmother's side, so that he could be a companion. Besides, the son took over, going to school is also a problem, and the school in the city cannot afford it. Our husband and wife are not highly educated, but we know that our children's education cannot be left behind, and we also want our son to go to high school in the county in the future, get a better university, and be a college student like you. ”
I told her what is good about college students, I am not the same as a fool now, if there is nothing, I dare not go home for the New Year.
"Do you plan to settle here in the future?" , the woman asked me.
Think about the house prices here and my income. I specifically want to respond to this question with a huh. I said to him, "The devil wants to settle here, and he can't afford to buy a house and pay off the mortgage." ”
"What about that friend of yours?"
"He's gone, go back to his hometown"
"Why are you leaving?"
"I talked about a girlfriend, and it didn't take long to talk and I broke up. Because the girl asked for a house. My brother was disheartened and felt that the city was too realistic, so he decided to go back, and there is a saying: 'The city routine is deep, I want to go back to the countryside'. ”
I remembered the day Ma Yan broke up, came back drunk, and said to me with tears and snot: "I want to go home and find a simple girl." ”。 I asked him what kind of girl was simple. He said that with two twisted braids, slightly dark and reddish skin under the sun in the field, and a large cotton jacket, like a little bear, such a girl is the real dimension, and the death of her is lost.
The woman said: "In fact, there is nothing wrong with other girls, who doesn't want to find a good condition." If I were that girl, I would also want a house and a car. Oh yes, how did you become like this? ”
I thought about women, yes, how did I become like this.
I thought about it, take the first job, in fact, the work is not particularly tiring, every day life is to go around the construction site and point around, fight with the subcontracted boss, whisper with the supervisor, drink and gamble at night. When the leader was happy, he would take me to drink the flower wine invited by the subcontracted boss. On the construction site, except when drinking flower wine, I can't contact beautiful women. There were women on the construction site, mostly old women, several cafeteria cooking aunts, and some family members brought by young workers or female excavators. Young women workers have their own set of things, they use their capital, they are not beautiful, but in a world where wolves are very meaty, they have the advantage. A misty wink or a pout of your small mouth intentionally or unintentionally can make a man restless, unwilling to eat, and his heart shakes like a suspense.
Such a day is not bitter, but it is too easy to wear down the fighting spirit, not to mention I have no fighting spirit at all. In the words of the leader: "Young man, you are a little too impetuous, cranky, not serious in your work, unmotivated, and languishing all day, young people should have the vitality of young people." Work hard for a few years, buy a house, marry a daughter-in-law, and life will get better. ”。 On the other hand, cutting corners on the construction site is too serious, and now there is an accident, the responsibility is heavy, and the overall fear ...
I came out of my memories and said to the woman: "In the first six months of my job, my income was not much, and the house price rose rapidly, and then I was desperate and gave up." After working for a few years, I should go home. In fact, on reflection, my own character is also doomed to failure and poverty. When I first quit my first job, I was very depressed and full of fear for the future, and for a month or two, I used the little money I had to find a cheap hotel, and I didn't go out every day. I also went to the hospital to check to see if I was crazy. When the money ran out, I went to look for a job and met my friend Ma Yan on the way. ”
After the woman listened to me, she first sighed and said, "Alas, it's not easy." Talk to you about something. I want to buy your cosmetics, the money is owed first, and when I have money for you, I have no money, and my man can't earn money anymore. The woman cried as she spoke. I quickly said okay, okay, I was about to thank you and give it to you for free. The woman laughed again. It seems that fickle is a woman's nature, regardless of beauty and ugliness.
The woman took off her mask and hat, that face was no longer within my reach, and I remembered the horror movie I watched for the first time called the old corpse of the mountain village, and this time it was no less frightened than that time. The woman put on the mask and hat again, saying brother, sister really needs skin care products. In this way, my sister does not want you in vain, you cover my sister's face, and my sister's body is still intact. I said sister, don't joke, I'll give you a few sets, I really don't want money. The woman touched my thigh and said thank you.
I continued to listen to the woman while eating meat, the woman's voice was still quite good, full of lust, and I couldn't help but imagine the woman's moaning again.
Thinking about it, my other brother reacted, and I suddenly regretted my behavior as a gentleman just now.
I tentatively said to the woman, "Big sister, the one you just said... That"
I'm a little embarrassed, I just can't say the words when they come to my lips. The heart is very colored, and the heart is not colored.
The woman seemed to notice what I meant, and deliberately raised her eyebrows and said, "I didn't say anything just now." ”
"It's that you said you don't want my cosmetics in vain, you want"
"You men are really all virtuous and hateful." The woman's voice began to coquettishly. The woman leaned on the table, lifted her skirt, and motioned for me to stand behind her.
The woman said: "My husband and I ate meat when we first arrived here, and then my husband tied my hands and legs to the bed at night, gagged me, and asked me to pick up customers." I sprayed a mouthful of broth outside, and the woman said, "Can't believe it or do you regret not living here at that time?" I disfigured myself in order not to live this nightmare day again, and you have no idea how painful it is to stick my face to the burning iron plate. Oh, by the way, your friend didn't actually leave, he was always there, he told you that he came to me the day he left, he raped me, he finished sitting where you are now crying, he said I'm not human, you kill me, I said okay"
I feel that the tone of the woman's speech has changed, and I want to change the topic and ask my eldest brother if he is at home? Is he sick in the back room, I'll go see him. The woman said he was at home, and that the house now smelled of him and your friends everywhere.
I once had a dream where a dog chased and bit an old, weak and sick rabbit, while other dogs and rabbits laughed and clapped their paws on the side. In my dreams I will be a dog and a rabbit; One will run without a head or tail, and the other will laugh without heart and lungs. When I woke up, there were a few tears in the corners of my eyes. I opened the blog and updated: The world is empty for everyone, there are no rights, no partners, no freedom, just like when we first came, all you have is faith. The outside world is going to be chaotic, unaffordable housing prices, parties that are gradually losing prestige, increasingly dark society, all kinds of disasters that have not been encountered in n years, if I only have faith left, then what is my faith?
The woman laughed maniacally, my scalp was like crawling with ants, I hurried to the door, the door was locked, I ran to the window, knocked open the window, I suddenly felt that outside the window was a more cruel world. I thought he would leave the rice cooker behind.
I died, oh no, he died
He was dead when I arrived at the hospital. He was lying on his stomach on the window, his face twisted. On his desk was a notebook with novels he had written, and it was an honor that I was the protagonist of many of his stories. He was a mental patient assigned to me by the hospital during my graduate studies, and some time ago I returned to school in order to prepare for my graduation defense. My thesis is his case. About victimization paranoia and paranoia. I looked silently at his body and the pair of underwear in the corner, the wind and sun peeling off their color and dust. When I left, a pair of unworn underwear was given to him, he likes to sit in front of the window and fight a plane, he hasn't seen him at home for a long time, and his underwear has long been incomplete. I remembered when I left, he said to me, you come, no matter how windy or rainy it is, I will pick you up. He told me brother. After a few tears, the nurse next to him took off her mask and said don't be sad. It was a relief to him, and I nodded, looking at his acne-covered face, laughing out loud at the thought he had written in his diary that I had raped her.