The "College Parent Group" opened my eyes: parents should not raise adult children as infants

A few weeks ago, when most universities began to publish admission lists and issue notices, a friend pulled me into an exchange group called "Wuhan LG University Parent Group", which was set up by parents of children whose nephews will immediately go to university, but just yesterday, I chose to withdraw from the group without hesitation.

I originally thought that the original meaning of the group was that parents congratulated each other, and the children of Tiannanhaibei would become alumni or even classmates in the next four years or even longer because of a certain fate, and parents also benefited from this fate and formed a rare friendship; Secondly, the characteristics of the school, especially Wuhan, the city where the school is located, and parents in Hubei, especially in Wuhan, shared the characteristics and temperament of Wuhan with everyone; The third is to exchange information about the preparation of your child's school supplies, such as the style and brand of the laptop you want to buy.

But I found that this is not actually the case, and the hot topics discussed by parents mainly have two characteristics: one is "all kinds of trivialities", how to go to Wuhan, which hotel to stay in advance, where to buy sheets, mattresses, mosquito nets, which brand to choose, how to apply for campus cards and bank cards; The second is "various papers", the topics and types of the children's professional change exams when they enter school, what courses the children study specifically after entering the school, what is the probability of a major to graduate school, whether it is difficult to enter the graduate school, and how to let the children join the party as soon as possible and become cadres in classes, colleges and schools.

The vast majority of children who go to college are adults, over 18 years old, their learning ability is very strong, for the above various trivial events, they can do it in minutes, even if they can't, they will learn it at once. As for those exams and graduate school, children can learn and understand slowly after entering school, and know from teachers or seniors, parents do not need to worry about it at all.

To be honest, my first feeling is very sympathetic and even pity these parents, I know very well that a considerable proportion of parents have been full-time companion mothers since their children are in elementary school, and even when they go to work, they will spend a lot of time and energy supervising their children's learning, not to mention daily laundry, cooking and other aspects of life. Most parents have no way to exert their strength in knowledge counseling, do not have the ability to guide, and can only provide meticulous support in logistics. They will do the utmost in detail, change the pattern every day to make food for the child, adjust the air conditioning temperature in the child's room in advance half an hour before the child goes home in the summer, touch the child's forehead in the middle of the night to determine whether to put a quilt for the child or remove the thick quilt, remind the child to get up in the morning or noon to be accurate to a few minutes and seconds, in order to let the child sleep even for a second, and so on.

It's a pity that delicate parents often suffer from the embarrassment of "hot face sticking to cold ass", many children dislike and even dislike parents, especially mothers' habitual verbosity, but even if they frequently suffer from children's unappreciation and even hostility, they still "go their own way", thinking that as long as their children go to a good university, no matter how big grievances, no matter how big sacrifices they make, all their efforts are worth it.

In the eyes of many parents, children only need to be responsible for studying and exams, and the rest does not need to worry about anything, making clothes to reach for food and opening their mouths. And parents' position and attitude towards this is often justified, reasonable, can not let their children waste and consume time in other aspects, children need to put all their time and energy on learning, children's learning is big, other things must unconditionally give way.

The question is: is this really good? Is it really good for children's growth, development and independence? Aren't parents' various "overrides" nakedly depriving children of their own learning opportunities and growth space? The answer is obvious, but parents seem to have no way, because they know that the child does not understand, the child will not, only I can worry about it, I will deal with it.

The more parents do it, the result will inevitably be that children do not care about other knowledge learning and ability acquisition other than book knowledge, because there will always be people behind them who have the bottom or wiping their butts.

I want to express that there are a bunch of parents who habitually raise their children as giant babies, they think that they are very shrewd and clever, they can know all kinds of news (including gossip) in various ways, try their best to understand the shortcuts and even shortcuts to do various things, and pave the quickest and easiest way for their children to go to school, and then, these parents want their children to walk on the so-called good road they have paved for them, and then the child's future is clear and visible, and then they finally sigh and can be at ease—— I have fulfilled my glorious mission of parenthood: to give birth to and nurture children, so that they can start a family and have a successful career.

In my opinion, there are two basic problems: First, many parents treat college students as high school students, and their sons or daughters who are already adults as children or even babies, and they forget the motto of "learning to let go", and the actual operation is "can't let go", "can't bear to let go" and "don't want to let go". Second, many parents feel that the child's socialization process is replaceable, children may wish to suffer a little hardship and setbacks when they are young, children grow up faster in exploration and grinding, children's personal experience and experience is very important for children's growth, parents turn a deaf ear to this, blindly let children live in a carefree superior environment, but do not know that "in the greenhouse can not grow into towering trees".

I have a clear feeling that some parents have a false attribution theory in their hearts, and their subconscious puts the goals and wishes they want to achieve but fail to achieve for various reasons on their children, and they equate part of their children's success with their own success, and they have to give desperately in order to be associated or connected with their children's success.

From a sociological point of view, the free development, independent development, endogenous development and endogenous development of individuals are important categories of intergenerational sustainable development and progress, and it is clear that the habitual behavior of overstepping the line of behavior that prevails in some parents is not a manifestation of progress, but an obvious regression.

The future is full of uncertainty, for everyone, the only certainty is that the competition must be more and more intense, which largely constructs and creates this era of volumes, it seems that everyone has become or forced to become refined egoists, people do not die for themselves, as parents are not for children, they are parents in vain, many people think.

But I still want to say that the affairs of adult children are left to adult children. Their lives, we can't replace, nor can we replace.

(The author is a professor at the Department of Sociology, Guangzhou University)

•(This article is only the author's personal views and does not represent the position of this newspaper)

Yao Huasong

Responsible editor: Chen Bin