When the child always says "whatever", "anything", "it doesn't matter", it is "asking for help" from you!
Not long ago, I saw a simulated home theater on the video:
Mom: "Shorts or long pants this morning?" ”
Child: "Shorts." ”
Mom: "How cold it is in shorts!" Not good for the body. ”
Child: "Then wear a long one." ”
Mom: "Tomorrow morning porridge or noodles?" ”
Child: "Let's eat noodles." ”
Mom: "Eating porridge in the morning is good, easy to digest, and convenient to make." ”
Child: "Drink porridge." ”
Mom: "Are you memorizing words or writing scrolls now?" ”
Kid: "Whatever. ”
Mom: "Hey, you kid, what an attitude." ”
Parents, weakly ask, is your family like this?
Coincidentally, the day before yesterday I went to my uncle's house to play, and their 13-year-old boy was "casual" on the left and "casual" on the right.
- "What dish would you like to eat at night?" ”
- "Whatever. ”
- "How about we go out on an outing on the weekend?" ”
- "Whatever. ”
- "Do you wash or not wash this pile of clothes on your bed?" ”
- "Whatever." ”
- "Whatever? You tell me another casual look!"
Angry, my uncle's face was red, and the fire was rising, and he really wanted to give the child two mouths, and he was forced to hold it back.
Pity the hearts of the parents of the world, I am worried for them as I watch from the side.
This child used to be quite lively, knowledgeable and polite, but now it is very difficult to communicate with his parents normally.
I've heard more than one parent complain that their children like to prevaricate their parents "casually."
Many parents get together to "pour bitter water".
When the child loves to say casually, really don't care, no idea?
Or is it so casual, hiding emotions that have not been seen for a long time?
I searched the Internet, and examples like "casual" are common.
The scars hidden in the children's hearts have been exposed one by one, and the children's "accusations" abound, and the "hidden feelings" are very heart-wrenching.
Hidden Secret One: Always being denied and not recognized
Let's take a look at the message in the comment area:
Many children experience similar problems.
When a parenting blogger talks about this topic, he hit the nail on the head:
May I ask parents, did the child have no idea? And how is it not?
When the child says, I want to go to heaven to be an astronaut, I want to travel to space.
What would a regular mom say? It's still heavenly, the underground has not yet understood, just study hard.
The parents denied the child's idea and cut off his ideal wings with their own hands.
So, the number of times is too much, and the child has no idea.
Before the child had a lot of ideas, even imaginative.
But when he expressed his thoughts, "snapping" parents forced no, and will button up the top hat that is good to you, then the child can only say whatever.
But my parents were still on fire at this time.
Parents ostensibly give their children the right to choose,
But he secretly set the "standard answer" in his heart.
If the child's choice matches the parent's settings, then they are all satisfied. Otherwise, parents will directly deny the child's choice.
Slowly, the child gradually loses the desire to choose, anyway, my thoughts are useless, and in the end I still have to listen to my parents, then I will not choose, "whatever" okay.
In the long run, children will be less inclined to think about their own thoughts and wishes, and thus lose the ability to express themselves.
Not only that, but he is always waiting to grow up and leave home far away.
There are also many parents who say, why is my child quite outgoing and can communicate with anyone, but I can't communicate, either don't open my mouth, or start arguing after saying a few words, why is this?
In fact, the reason why the child has such a performance is because the child is disappointed in his parents.
As soon as the communication is hit, as soon as the mouth is opened, there is a contradiction, then the child simply shut up.
Parents' verbosity, hysteria, on the grounds of being good to their children, say all day that this is not right and that is not right.
This kind of communication makes the child feel that he has never really been read and truly recognized.
Therefore, they are reluctant to open it to their parents, and they automatically block their parents' words.
Even if there are children, it will be rotten, when the waste is shown to you, it is good to meet the wishes of the parents, and live without any sense of value.
Hidden Secret Two: Often arranged and lose opinion
Here's another true story that happened at an art training institution:
The art teacher sent a notice to the parents, saying that the child can apply for Thursday's pastel painting class, or apply for Friday's Chinese painting class, ask parents to discuss with the child, and tell him before 8 p.m.
As a result, a parent, in less than 10 minutes, signed up.
What does this mean?
It shows that parents did not consult with their children at all, and directly decided for their children.
So this is just an interest class, what about ordinary life? What about learning? How much more opportunities do parents have left for their children to make their own choices?
There is also a comment, the urge to cry after reading it:
Many parents are too strong, controlling, and suppress their children's right to make their own choices.
The child's silent resistance was not heard, so he chose to endure and do whatever he wanted.
A parenting expert said that after consulting many children, she found that
Children who are often arranged by their parents often do not make choices when they grow up.
The comfort zone created by parents, for children, blocks the child's own opportunities for growth and experience, then it is difficult for children to develop the habit of independent thinking.
Especially in the early years of the child.
If parents arrange all aspects of their children in detail, children will rely on their parents to make decisions for them. As I grew up, I couldn't figure out whether I liked it or not, whether I wanted it or not.
They also don't get enthusiastic about the world, lose their curiosity and become numb.
Hidden Truth 3: The question is not specific and difficult to answer
The questions given by parents are not relevant to the child's reality, and the child has no way to answer.
Some children are not unassertive, but the questions given by their parents are too broad and not specific enough, and he does not know how to make decisions, so he just says casually.
A netizen complained:
My mom always asked me what I ate.
I don't know what it's called, and I ask it every day.
I really don't know what to eat, so I just say whatever.
And then she cooks what she loves.
I don't like to eat, I don't want to eat.
She counted me all day.
Our adults' cognition is very different from that of children, and the questions we can easily answer are still somewhat difficult for children with limited cognition.
3 ways to communicate to stimulate children's autonomy
Psychologist Baumlingde once divided family parenting styles into four categories: authoritarian, authoritarian, neglectful, and indulgent.
Among them, only the authoritative type is the family parenting model that is most conducive to the growth of children.
American social psychologist Festinger once proposed the concept of "cognitive dissonance", which refers to uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions when a person's behavior diverges from the previous cognition of the self.
That is to say, when we "know and do", it becomes very awkward.
Therefore, a child who talks about "casual" all day, in order to unify the cognition and behavior of the brain, then he is often really not careful and rigorous in his study life.
Unless he changes his brain's cognition and stops saying "whatever" as often.
When your child often says casually, maybe it is the child who is signaling you for help in his way.
For parents, in addition to judging why children frequently use "casual", the most important thing is to improve the parent-child relationship, especially the three situations mentioned above.
01 Respect your child's decision
Since we want our children to make choices, we must respect their decisions.
Many times, parents may have their own judgment before the child makes a decision, at this time, do not ask the child how to choose, the choice is denied, but it hurts the child more.
Discuss your decision with your child.
After discussion, if the child still insists on his own choice and does not violate the principles, parents can try to accept the child's opinion.
02 Give children the opportunity to choose
When a reporter asks a mother, when did you start talking casually?
The mother said that at work, when she found that her opinions were insignificant and the leader did not like to speak widely, she began to be casual from then on;
In life, when I find that someone is forced to be unreasonable, and they try their best to make me agree with TA's so-called point of view, it becomes casual in the future.
Parents have no choice and will respond casually,
The same goes for children.
In everyday life, parents should not arrange everything in one fell swoop without asking their children for their opinion.
Asking for children's opinions not only exercises their expressive skills, but also makes them feel valued.
Although the child's ideas may sometimes be a bit fanciful, sometimes they may not agree with the parents' opinions.
At this time, parents should try to discuss and interact with their children, and by debating with their children, they can develop their ability to think independently and make correct decisions, and also exercise their children's debate skills.
Parents should not impose their preferences on their children.
Learning to let children make their own choices is also a kind of respect for children, which will have a positive impact on children's future personality and character development.
The best education is for children to become their true selves.
What is your true self?
It is not to indulge your child's needs, let alone arrange the right path for him.
It is to allow children to accept themselves, look at themselves with appreciative eyes, and will not change their original intention because of their parents' preferences;
It is to retain the right to make independent choices, not to be arranged by parents, regardless of whether the choice is correct or not, learn to bear the responsibility of choice;
It is the courage and strength to confront the outside world, and it is to be allowed to bravely express one's truest thoughts.
03 Give your child "limited" options
We should try to think from the child's point of view, if the question is something that the child cannot answer, it is better to try to give the child specific questions and guide them to choose.
Like what:
Want your child to choose the fruit he likes to eat, and put "What fruit do you like to eat?" "Swap into" which do you want to choose between apples and oranges? ”
By concretizing broad concepts, children can answer better.
Through such short questions and answers, parents can develop their child's awareness and ability to choose.
There is a saying in "Spring of the Cattle Herding Class":
"Every heart needs love, tenderness, tolerance, understanding."
May we all accept children as they are, and use tenderness, understanding and love to give them the courage and confidence to release themselves and express themselves!
A child's life is meant to be experienced, not perfect.
Listen attentively to every little voice,
A little shy can quickly turn into a big confidence!
They are no longer casual~