Welcome home, I'm Yu'an.
Today is the second article on the headline [100 Days to Beat Depression].
Today's content is the topic discussed on May 18 at the [Acquisition of Depression Parent-Teacher Conference]:
Children are emotionally irritable, what should parents do?
This problem can be said to be the flashpoint of family wars, especially for families with children with emotional disorders, and it is enough to collapse in adolescence.
Add to that depression, anxiety, or bidirectional problems, and this problem is almost inevitable.
You can often see it in the community:
"My children are anxious with me because of a word, and I dare not speak carefully."
"My child said he was in pain and asked me for help, I don't know how to respond to him?"
"There is no reason why the child is angry, it just doesn't go well at all, doesn't give her pocket money or doesn't let her do anything, and collapses."
……
If so, let's take a look at how to solve this problem today.
In fact, for us with emotional problems, most of us have sensitive qualities, that is, whether it is pain or sweetness, we feel doubly.
Add to that the sense of disorder that comes with adolescence, and the sense of loss of control of the disease itself, and it is no exaggeration to say that our world is in ruins.
Therefore, any word, a look, a movement may stimulate our sensitive nerves, we are not fragile, but under the blessing of the triple problem of personality, adolescence, and disease, living with three magnifying glasses, you can imagine how much pressure there is.
And depression also has a symptom of irritability, that is, a little wind and grass, it turns on the stress mode.
In this case, parents have to respond to five things.
1. Listen to his feelings and related events
To add a knowledge point here, if the child is depressed, do not ask why.
For example, my mother is really in pain, I am so uncomfortable, and asking why at this time is to force him to repeat the painful process.
His answer must be very negative, and this negativity will be aggravated after each why.
It is true that parents will have a sense of control and relative relief after getting the answer, but this is based on the fact that the child is more out of control.
Why it is uncomfortable, why it is painful, can only make the child's state sink more and more, so never ask a depressed person why.
We spend a few years learning to speak and a lifetime learning to shut up, and the same is true for children, especially children in this state.
Listen, give control of the event to the child, let the child know that even if the sky falls, even if things are terrible, there will always be someone in the world who will listen to him.
If a child is placed in a place, then one day, he will be able to clear the clouds and see the world again.
2. Talk less or no about positive energy
Everyone always thinks that depressed children are pessimistic, but not necessarily, but they are more objective in the face of things.
And you might as well see how much of the so-called positive energy is the right nonsense, and behind the positive energy, children find that they can't do it at all.
Isn't this another kind of harm?
When positive energy becomes a harm, is it still positive energy?
None of us is qualified to make another person happy, and it is good for us to help one person make him happy, but it is arrogance for us to ask one person to be happy, and it is violence to accuse one person of not being happy enough.
Therefore, positive energy may not play the role of positive energy, less or don't say.
3. Show companionship support
There is no empathy in this world, only compassion.
Yu An can say, I understand, because in my life for more than twenty years, ten years have been facing this thing, and no one can understand better than me that depression is better than death.
But many parents, you can't understand, because you haven't experienced it at all, just like you haven't had stomach pain, you can never experience the feeling of stomach cramps when you have stomach pain.
So, instead of falsely understanding me, it is better to actually be me.
There is no shame in admitting that they do not understand, and children will also feel comfortable because of sincere expression, rather than reaching out to transform the child's state after I understand with a purpose.
I am here, I accompany you, far more effectively than I understand, you listen to me.
4. Give the method or don't ask questions
One of the most common things countless parents do is ask questions and throw them at their children.
"You are so unhappy, there are so many happy things, you do it."
Unhappiness is the problem, but what is the happy thing?
"Why can't you eat regularly and adjust your schedule?"
So what about the method of scientifically adjusting work and rest and diet?
"You don't clean up your home, you don't clean up your personal hygiene, you're lazy."
So where is the better and faster way to clean up?
Do you feel that parents are not like parents, like children?
Parents raise problems and let their children solve them, it's very similar to when I was a child, I want to eat candy, you buy it for me, if I don't buy it, I will make trouble.
Now it's time for me to ask questions, kid, you look at it, and I'm angry if you don't deal with it.
Therefore, either understand that the child is not able to move because of the disease, or give him substantive advice and methods.
Asking a teenager to deal with countless problems that adults in their thirties and forties can't solve is hilarious.
5. Proceed on the basis of understanding and companionship
I told all parents over and over in the community why depression causes all kinds of problems, and I found that I was helpless, and I was just as helpless as everyone's children.
No matter how many times I say it, there are always parents who want to tell me how their children are.
Today, I tell all parents a word to be engraved in their minds:
You don't ask people who are not mentally ill to do, and you don't ask depressed children to do things.
Would you ask a person with a broken bone, to tidy up the housework?
Would you ask a diabetic person not to take medicine?
Would you ask a person with heart disease to exercise?
You won't.
Therefore, remembering this phrase can correctly understand and accompany children like us.
And if you achieve these five points, I believe that in the follow-up communication and response, everyone will be more handy.
Thank you to every parent who studies hard, and to every friend who has not given up on the world, depression is not a good road, but it is not so difficult.
Everyone, whether parents or children, deserve better relationships and lives.
So, don't be afraid, we're all there.
I'm Yu'an, I've always been.
About the author:
Yu An, a national third-level psychological counselor, a six-year severely depressed patient, is now the founder of the [Acquisition of Depression Board/Parent-Teacher Conference] community, sharing my self-help experience and psychological expertise at 6 o'clock every night.
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