Parents will not communicate, and even if there is love between parents and children, it is difficult to be close.
Instead of annoying children with one mouth, learn the wisdom and skills of communication.
Author | summer
A few months ago, I tossed and turned almost every night.
My son blushed, glared at me, and the hysterical roar was always repeated in my mind.
I don't know when the communication pattern between my son and I entered a vicious cycle of quarrel-anger-incessation.
No matter what I said, my son would always contradict me.
Then, our communication will change from arguing about problems to venting emotions, and finally to hurting each other between mother and child.
The most impressive:
The son stretched out and said to himself:
"Ahhh... Why is this math problem so difficult? ”
I took the opportunity to teach:
"The difficult ones will not, the ones who will not be difficult, you feel difficult, it is not because you did not listen carefully in class."
When my son heard my words, he retorted angrily:
"Why do you say that I didn't listen carefully to the class, you went to school and saw it, or the teacher told you."
As soon as I heard this, I was directly angry:
"Do you talk to adults like that? If you are not good at learning, you still have a face. ”
My son glared at me and slammed his pen on the table.
Not to be outdone, I threw everything on his desk to the floor.
He immediately stood up and yelled hysterically at me: "What are you doing! ”
Then, with a "bang", the door was closed.
I looked at the mess all over the ground, regretting and saddening.
I regret how I got things like this again.
Sadly, why is it so difficult to communicate with the child who used to talk to me about everything?
I reasoned with him, but he didn't go in, and he blew his beard and glared at me at every turn.
Even sometimes, I don't know which of my words was wrong and provoked him.
In fact, American psychologist Professor Michel Luxemburg once said:
"The wrong way of communicating creates direct misunderstanding and conflict between people, so that both sides of the communication feel violence in the language, not love."
After some profound reflection, summary and practice, I found that:
The problem between me and my child is not that there is no love between us, but that the wrong way of communication makes the love between us go to waste.
If we want to make parent-child communication intimate and smooth, we must understand these three theories.
Cup theory
Ever watched this video:
A young kindergarten boy accidentally knocked down the blocks he had worked so hard to pile up.
He picked up a baby elephant doll and slammed it into the toilet. Then, pick it up and smash it again, and it loops several times.
Seeing this, my mother gently educated:
"Child, no matter how much you lose your temper, the blocks will not return to their original state.
You should first find a way to pile up the blocks instead of gassing with the baby elephant. ”
However, the little boy did not listen to his mother's words at all, but became even more angry, he took the baby elephant and smashed it at his mother, glaring at her mother and saying: "I will smash, I will smash, I will smash." ”
Mom was so angry that she raised her hand and wanted to hit him.
Remember that the "Whole Brain Parenting Law" wrote:
"When a person's emotions are out of control, his brain automatically shuts down rational thinking."
Therefore, when the child's emotions explode, the more parents force the child to be calm and controlling, the more reason and facts are put on the child, and the more out of control and rebellious the child is.
This is like the "cup theory" shared with me by a teacher friend:
He said that when we communicate with children, we should think of them as a cup filled with water.
A cup that has been filled with water, and no matter how much water we pour into it, it is useless and cannot enter it at all.
At this time, we may as well find a way to pour out some of the water in the cup first, so that it is possible to add something to it.
Therefore, when we communicate with children, we may as well let the child speak, complain, or even let him quibble.
Only when the child's emotions are vented, when the child feels our acceptance, respect and non-hostility towards him, we have the opportunity to enter the child's heart, and our communication can be truly effective.
Just like the foreign father on the Internet who educates his daughter who makes his own nature:
"It's no big deal to be angry.
You can be angry with me, angry with your mother, angry with your sister, angry with yourself.
Sometimes you can just stop and vent loudly, or take a pillow to vent.
It's important that you don't keep dallowing in your anger and don't let it dominate you for too long, because too much time will go wrong. ”
Under the acceptance and guidance of her father, her daughter finally said the reason for her anger:
"I don't like it when you scold me."
In fact, when children lose their temper, they are asking their parents for help in their own way.
As long as we give children the opportunity to express their hearts and are willing to listen, we can understand how to channel children's hearts.
Trash can theory
Psychologist Bion once said:
"Children need the safety of a container from their parents – no matter how impulsive and destructive they are, they can still stand intact."
The implication is:
Parents should be a good "garbage can" for their children, catch their children's emotional garbage, and give their children the sense of trust and security they need.
I've seen such a true story.
The little girl, Trish, was born into a violent black family.
At the age of 6, she was adopted by a 40-year-old white couple.
When I was 7 years old, one day there were many guests at home, and everyone was eating and chatting happily around the table, and from time to time they said "Haha... Hah" laughter.
The little girl who had just finished extracting her teeth and could only eat noodles suddenly lost control of her emotions.
She slammed the bowl on the ground, covered her face with one hand and cried bitterly, and pointed at her adoptive parents with the other and cursed.
Everyone else thinks that the little girl is vexatious and very ignorant.
But her adoptive parents always watched the little girl patiently and quietly, and learned from her invective:
It turned out that the reason for the little girl's anger was because she had just extracted her teeth and was suffering from physical pain, but everyone was talking and laughing.
She felt that everyone was not only ignoring her pain, but also laughing at her funny appearance after extracting her teeth.
More importantly, this bad feeling evoked her painful memories of "a person was mistreated, but no one cared".
After learning the real reason for the little girl's emotional loss of control, her adoptive parents did not forcibly correct her delusion, but looked at the little girl firmly and gently, and sincerely clarified over and over again:
"We didn't laugh at you, we all loved you."
It wasn't until the little girl continued to vent for almost 40 minutes and gradually calmed down that her adoptive parents gently walked up to the little girl and gently extended their hands to her.
The little girl instinctively turned away, avoiding the gaze of her adoptive parents.
Her adoptive parents did not force themselves to step forward or turn away, still waiting patiently.
After another ten minutes of stalemate, the little girl finally turned around slowly, gently patted her adoptive mother's hand with her own hand, and smiled.
The next day, the little girl wrote this line in the guestbook at the dining table:
"Mom and Dad, I love you."
To be honest, I really admire the adoptive parents of the little girl.
Instead of treating the little girl as a malicious "little devil", they treated the little girl as a poor child who did not know what to do.
With their strong tolerance, understanding, empathy and love, they caught the little girl's emotional garbage, and worked hard to melt the grievances, uneasiness and anger in the little girl's heart.
Teacher Wu Zhihong also said:
"The child's toxic black energy is converted into non-toxic white energy through the mental power of the nurturer, and then returned to the child.
This process is 'detoxification.'"
Parents can catch the "garbage" in their children's hearts in order to hold their children's hearts.
In the final analysis, the acceptance and tolerance of parents is the key to whether children can let go of their attacks and open up to their parents.
Filter theory
There is a particularly heart-wrenching clip in the documentary "Chinese Youth Story".
One day, my mother came home from work and saw that her son Ruoyu's homework had not yet been written, so she said two words to him in a slightly angry tone.
Before that, his father, who had been chatting with Ruoyu, had also reached the critical point of getting angry.
Ruoyu looked at the stunned faces of his parents and suddenly said:
"You guys have to think about it before you go home.
Everyone has a bottle on them, and if the water in the bottle is full, it will overflow.
Your daily work fills the bottle, and when you come home and see anything bad about me, the bottle will overflow and your emotions will be vented on me.
So, can you pour this bottle before you go home?
Or you bring two bottles, you have one bottle outside, and that bottle doesn't affect your coming home. ”
Ruoyu's words suddenly woke up Mom and Dad.
They finally realized:
It turns out that they put themselves outside, tired at work, worried, anxious... All anger went to the child.
Teacher Fan Deng once said:
"Ninety percent of the parents scold their children for anger, that is, their own frustration, their own sense of incompetence, their own powerlessness, anger on the child opposite."
The child is the weakest person in the family, and naturally becomes the ultimate victim of the parents' negative emotions and bad mood.
Worse:
Parents with emotions to communicate with their children will not only be futile, but also hurt the child's heart, leaving the parent-child relationship in jeopardy.
Therefore, if you want to have a smooth and pleasant communication with your child, parents must understand the filter theory:
Before entering the house, filter out all your bad emotions.
There is such a clip in the TV series "Little Sheldon".
Little Sheldon was in a bad mood and lost his temper with his family while eating dinner.
Little Sheldon's father was not angry, but gently and calmly told little Sheldon about his bad day, and told him that he could not bring negative emotions home.
Little Sheldon listened to his father's words, and the bad mood instantly dissipated, and he ate obediently.
Emotions are contagious.
Good emotions produce positive energy fields, and bad emotions produce negative energy fields.
Parents learn to filter their emotions and leave good emotions to their children, so that children can put away their aggression and destructiveness, and learn to communicate gently and fluently like parents.
Fu Lei once said to his son Fu Cong:
"Child, I am afraid that I have learned no less lessons from you than you have learned from me.
Especially in the past three years, you don't know that I have gained a little more profound experience in life.
From the process of getting along with you, I learned patience, learned the skill of speaking, and learned to sublimate feelings. ”
Parent-child communication is a lesson that every parent should practice.
When we have problems communicating with our children, it is also when we need to change.
Only when we learn to accept children's emotions and learn to control our emotions can our relationship with children be better, and communication can be smoother and more effective.
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