Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
What should I do if my child is negative and unmotivated, or likes to mess up? I've been thinking about this lately
In order to let my daughter, who is not efficient in studying and struggling with homework, enter the state early, I have also tried many methods
Including: making regulations, distinguishing rewards and punishments, accompanying reading and urging with you, etc
But gradually, I realized that studying with my children was a wrong start
When you look at your child with expectant eyes, you will find that there will be more and more disappointing scenes next
I used to be, that's it
As soon as the child writes homework, his mouth always unconsciously reminds him to nag, and even says a lot of cruel words to "provoke" the child to be serious
It wasn't until after a learning experience that I completely looked away
I still remember the days when I first learned to drive, because I was scolded by the coach because of this problem of not distinguishing between left and right
The more you listen to that striking sentence, the more blank your mind becomes:
"I've never seen such a stupid student as you"
"Just your stupid head, how much money to give me, I am not willing to teach"
"I see you, even if you get Ben, you can't drive a car"
……
In this way, under the pressure of language sentence after sentence, I even seriously suspected that I was not "driving material" at all
At the same time, it is particularly uncomfortable from the psychological perspective of adults
Especially when I was scolded by the coach to the point of blood, I was like my daughter who often resisted at home, and I couldn't help but say back: "I just won't, I came to the driving school to learn to drive, if everyone was born to drive, then your driving school would have closed down a long time ago."
And as soon as this backlash was spoken, my heart was much smoother at that time
Later, after a new coach, everything slowly developed for the better
The new coach is a very patient middle-aged uncle, he will not be murderous, let alone swearing, and the most gratifying thing for me is that he knows how to selectively "shut up"
For example, when I didn't know how to hit the steering wheel, he would warmly remind me "don't worry, hold steady, slowly"
Under such warm-hearted, careful and patient teaching, I successfully graduated
After experiencing this, I also deeply understood a truth: "Educate a good child to control your mouth first"
Especially some words that hurt children and destroy parent-child feelings, you must "control" your mouth, otherwise it will be difficult for children to get close to you, and education will lose its original guiding value
01
Words of blow
"Are you a pig brain? Why is it so stupid, I don't know how many times I said this question and I still can't understand it"
When I was a child, my father felt very uncomfortable when he said this to me
At that time, I only felt that "I don't seem to be able to do anything", and my father's harsh language seemed to become a prophecy verification
Because I often scold stupid, I seem to have become the stupid kid who knows nothing
Some people say that the mouth of parents determines the future life of children
If you think about this sentence carefully, you will find that the language power of parents is indeed very large
Because I was often hit by language as a child, I would often remind myself: "Talk well with your children"
Especially after the harsh language of my father and the disparaging words of the coach, I became more aware of the creativity of a person with positive language
So, after learning to drive, I changed my language expression
Like what:
Change "what's going on" to "what's wrong, what's going on?"
Change "Write your homework quickly" to "What are your plans for finishing your homework?" Or let's jump rope and run."
Change "I can't do this question" to "I seem to have seen this question somewhere, is it in unit xx, in a certain exam"
The influence of language is based on what kind of attitude you treat, and what kind of results you will give back
If we encourage children with expectations, children will be more creative in anticipation and move closer to their goals
02
Threatening words
"Don't cry, if you don't obey again, I'll throw you out, don't want you"
Although the threat is very effective, the result is still very harmful in the long run
If the child is "disobedient", it is simply not doing according to the parents' standards
Then, those threatening words in the parents' mouths are like cutting off the child's wings until they lose the ability to fly
I know a friend who grew up with her parents
When I was a child, I was mainly studying, and I was threatened with "if I don't study well, I will pick up rags in the future"
When he grew up, he mainly married people, and he was urged to marry shortly after joining the work: "Aunt Li's family next door has given birth to a second child, if you wait two more years to become an old girl, who wants you"
So, under the threat and arrangement of his parents, friends entered the palace of marriage early
Is it really right to grow up and even marry under arrangement?
I want to say that life is my own, and my life is also for myself, whether it is suitable or not, whether it is happy or not, I probably only rely on myself to slowly manage and feel
But if you lose your right to make your own decisions in the first place, you may be walking badly in passivity for the rest of your life
A friend is such a passive life, probably used to it in an arranged environment since she was a child, and she has her own family and has not come out of that feeling
Usually, no matter what happens, "you have the final say"
Gradually, the in-laws did not care about her feelings in everything, although she was aggrieved and wanted to resist, but she always felt calm for a while with her weak personality
Between people, in fact, no matter what kind of relationship, we must achieve enough equality and respect in exchange for the establishment of a long-term relationship
Whether you want your child to become a noble and elegant phoenix or a plucked puffed pheasant depends on how you see them
If we have been communicating with our children with positive eyes and encouraging words, are we afraid that this gold will not shine?
03
Command words
"You went and did xxx, this thing has to be done today"
Such instructions can play an important guiding role in social development and work communication
Some people say that simple and easy-to-understand instructions can quickly access information and achieve the desired effect
Some people also feel that the instructions in family education are the most direct communication and response to children
In fact, the existence of instructions comes in many forms, and not all relationships are suitable for instructions
Take the family education relationship that parents pay more attention to, the existence of instructions is prone to serious social and ideological disorders
Take an example
You say to a playful child, "Quickly sweep the confetti off the floor."
But for children, they will feel "Later, I haven't played well, what to sweep"
In this way, different opinions will immediately stir up different language disputes and even fall into power disputes between parents and children
Some parents may think: "My child doesn't listen to me at such a young age, but after he is older, he will have to turn the sky."
Therefore, in this case, many parents choose to defend their rights, and they do not hesitate to use their identity as parents to pressure and order, until the child slowly loses the power to resist and becomes a "good child" who says what he says
But is this forced "well-behaved" really obedient? No, this is just a compromise under the succumb to power
This compromise develops a sense of resistance as we age
Especially for children who have entered adolescence, you will find that the previous "well-behaved" is just an illusion, but their wings have not yet grown hard
In later stages, when you feel that you can live independently and do not need your parents, you will hide far away
Therefore, a good education must pay attention to your own way of speaking, especially not to speak to your child in a commanding tone, and what you say to your child now will also become the way your child will speak to you in the near future
04
Words of complaint
"Look at me, I work so hard for you every day, don't let everyone down"
If negative energies such as blows, orders and threats cannot be said, then complaining to children is a strategic shift?
I have a few such parents around me
They feel that today's children are eating soft rather than hard, and the more you say cruel things to them, the stronger the resistance in them will be
In order to make the child a little sensible and obedient, it will also take a complaint method to let the child understand that it is not easy for parents
For example, talking to children about the difficulty of survival: "Your father and I are working so hard now for you, if you don't study well, you will live so hard like us in the future."
This kind of pain in life to children is not recommended to pour chicken soup into children for a long time
On the one hand, it is because children simply cannot empathize
Parents may find the current life very difficult, but for children:
"Hmph, I don't believe it, my father and my mother can still lie on the sofa every day after work to play mobile phones, play games, wear whatever clothes they want, eat whatever they want, sleep whenever they want at night, no one criticizes nagging, no one interferes with participation, what a happy thing"
On the other hand, allowing children to live in a complaining environment for a long time can make them feel guilty
If the child's sense of guilt is greater than self-motivation, the child who lacks self-confidence is like a kite with a broken line, without a sense of direction and without the courage to move forward
When the child is like a Dou who can't be supported, no matter how hard you try and how much you give advice, you will eventually return to the original position because of the sentence "I can't do it"
Therefore, complaining to the child, it is better to let the child grow up with confidence, and if you want to do this well, you must also jump out of the vicious circle of "controlling the child" as soon as possible
When you can truly respect, understand, and even tolerate your child, your parent-child relationship will also embark on a new journey because of some insignificant topics
And this is the influence of language, which can create children and destroy children
So, what are the different suggestions and views on the fact that excellent education needs to "control" the mouth first? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!