Mom is the first stop on our life path. A person who is closest to his mother in infancy and early childhood mentally, "you have me, I have you". At this time, the mother is the world.
It is very likely that a person's life does not have a single association. Like the relationship we have with our mothers, we can learn how to develop our own personality and how to deal with others.
If a person's relationship with the mother is not very good, or the mother's method of loving the child is flawed, it will inevitably become a future obstacle, or even an "obstacle" that cannot be solved. Your "relationship" with your mother determines your future development and destiny.
Psychologist Jung said that motherhood refers to intimacy and union. Fatherhood is biased towards separation, biased towards standards. All babies interact with their mothers at an early stage, which will produce basic interpersonal communication.
Therefore, separation from the mother's psychological state is one of the most important reasons in a person's life, which determines whether an adult can master the intimacy and spacing in interpersonal communication.
In fact, your "connection" with your mother has already chosen your destiny, but you never know.
Counselors have shown over the years that there are many cases of counseling, and they have also concluded that the root cause of the problem in such cases is caused by the mother's excessive strength (strong means that everything must be done according to one's own wishes).
For example, when you first get married, you may use strength to bind your husband to transform your husband, once you have a son (this article mainly refers to sons, if it is a daughter, the mother's strength may cultivate a stronger daughter, which is related to social expectations, gender identity, etc.), then the mother's strength has a stage to show her skills, because loving children is a natural thing, and the mother has set a great life goal: to cultivate a son who is the best in her mind.
scold
Mothers put all their energy into this goal, but the love of strong mothers is accidentally reduced to control, and material unconditional satisfaction and meticulous care in life add capital and excuses to spiritual suppression. The mother devoted her energy to the cultivation of her son, and naturally neglected to control her husband.
If Dad is a mature person, he will fight for certain management opportunities, but too many dads in China choose to stay away from the family, using the excuse of being busy with entertainment and work to let the scourge of his mother continue, after all, he is out of the sea of suffering.
In such a family environment, the son bears the high expectations of his mother, has to seek excellence to show his talents, and in order to cater to his mother, he spends a lot of energy on the external brightness and vanity, and he can still hold on in elementary school, and he is barely able to survive in middle school, but when he reaches high school, his son is often unable to do so. After all, his energy is not spent on laying a solid foundation in life, but desperately winning those medals on his clothes, how can he not be vain?
They will think that "staying away from their parents" is a relief!
If the child is oppressed by his parents for a long time, his own growth energy will be weakened, and he will have a fear of his parents, and after having great pressure, they will be afraid of their parents, and even think of the law to stay away from their parents.
If the child does something wrong, or can't do what we expect, and we only know how to curse, then the child will feel "oppressed" and will bury his thoughts in his heart and dare not say it, thus becoming a very introverted and withdrawn child like the little girl above.
This is the reason why many of the above-mentioned families of three have become in the consultation room, and it is also the description of the current situation of many families, but to different degrees.
At this time, if the mother can accept the truth, stop continuing to blow into her son's narcissistic balloon, and let the child descend from the sky; At this time, if the counselor has a follow-up opportunity to let the son see his true self, hide endless vanity and incompetence under elegant behavior, and guide him to reserve some practical abilities steadily, then the child may become an excellent person in the mother's mind in the future. But it is difficult for the mother who raised such a son to wake up, she will persistently shield the truth, strengthen the defensive walls, and refuse to accept the guidance of counselors. So their end will be pitiful: the husband is scattered and lamented.
The law is like this, if not improved, so that the child's future has three paths:
First, they die, their self-esteem is extremely strong, and they cannot withstand major setbacks and failures. The consultant once consulted a boy, his parents are high-level intellectuals with a certain social status, the son stayed at home because of the failure of the college entrance examination, the father used the relationship to find a decent job, the son met the girl he liked at work, and when the courtship was flatly rejected by the other party, he jumped from the sixth floor without hesitation and died.
Second, crazy, they always believe that they should be excellent, can not be the same as mortals, but in reality they do not have the ability to gain the admiration of these mortals, so they build an illusory kingdom in their own spiritual world, they are kings, with supreme narcissism, once narcissism is hit, it may lead to the collapse of the entire spiritual kingdom and fall into the psychotic group.
Third, rotten, most children's spirits are slowly rotten, they use illness, depression, various excuses to avoid doing anything that may encounter failure; They are lonely because they dare not present real incompetence in intimate relationships; They are vain, inflate themselves by blaming others for their inadequacy, and interpersonal relationships are naturally not good ... They belong to the wretched category of people who die at the age of 30 and are buried at the age of 80.
This is the truth, this is the law. The key to breaking this family model lies in the mother, and the maturity of a mother is the key to family happiness and the guarantee of the healthy growth of children.
Just like the plot of the TV series "It's Good", after watching it, I was deeply touched, and it also caused heated discussions, because it is actually a portrayal of many ordinary families, we often think that the original family has too much influence on a person, because of this, if you are born in a family that is not warm and lacks love, whether intentionally or forced to leave the original family very early, it is actually a kind of luck, because it means that the impact will be relatively small.
There are countless examples of this in history!
1, Han Liu Bang's wife Lü He
Lü He, empress of Liu Bang (reigned 202–195 BC), honored as Empress Dowager (195–180 BC) after Emperor Gaozu's death, was the first recorded empress and empress dowager in Chinese history. At the same time, Lü Xi was also the first woman to be the emperor who unified China and implemented the emperor system by Qin Shi Huang, and was included by Sima Qian in the book of recording the emperor's political affairs, and later Ban Gu still used the Hanshu. She set the precedent for the dictatorship of foreign Qi in the Han Dynasty.
Emperor Hui of Han Liu Ying, son of Liu Bang and Empress Lü, the ancestor of the Han Dynasty, was the second emperor of the Western Han Dynasty. During the reign of the weak Emperor Hui of Han, power was actually in the hands of his powerful mother Empress Lü, so when Sima Qian wrote the "Shiji", he did not even set up Emperor Hui's book, but set up "Empress Dowager Lü's book". Empress Lü ordered that Lady Qi be chopped off her limbs, her eyes, her tongue cut off, and her dumb poked deaf to make a human and put it in the toilet. After a few days, Empress Lu asked Emperor Hui to watch the people. Liu Ying asked after seeing it, knowing that it was Mrs. Qi. So Emperor Hui cried bitterly, and made people say to the Empress Dowager: "This kind of thing is not done by people. The son of the Empress Dowager is the son of the Empress Dowager, and there is no way to govern the world after all. ", a serious illness, since then ignore the dynasty.
During the reign of Emperor Wudi of Han, Emperor Wudi of Han understood very well the truth that the son is weak and the mother is strong, and Lady Hookyi, as the mother of the next generation of monarch Liu Fuling, was a potential threat to the Han Dynasty. The legend of Empress Lü Hen could not be copied by Lady Hookyi, so when Emperor Wudi of Han was about to die, Lady Hookyi was executed.
2. Wu Zetian
Having 4 sons with Emperor Gaozong of Tang, for 15 years, Emperor Zhongzong Li Xian has been in a dangerous situation, fearing the Empress of Shendu Wu Zetian, and desperate for returning to Beijing, which will inevitably have an impact on his character and psychology, and become hesitant and cowardly. When he was once again crowned crown prince and faced the Empress Wu Zetian of Shendu again, his hesitation was on display at the crucial moment of the coup d'état of the Five Kings.
The cultivation of Emperor Zhongzong's cowardly character is closely related to his life experience of being deposed and degraded, and to the strong dictatorship of Wu Zetian, the empress of Shendu. This affected not only his character, but also the decision-making and political stability of the Zhongzong dynasty.
3. Empress Dowager Cixi
Empress Dowager Cixi was the supreme decision-maker of the late Qing dynasty and the Guangxu dynasty, and she ruled China for 47 years in the name of obedience and discipline. The Tongzhi Emperor was tired of studying, and often shook his head behind his back and sighed, and when the teacher asked him why he was unhappy, he replied: "It's hard work when errands." Cixi was particularly worried about her son's studies, and often checked his academic situation, but was repeatedly disappointed, his son's academic performance was very bad, "the language is cold, and the poetry is not a recitation", "the paper has many words", "the reading fold cannot be formed into sentences", "if you speak Zuo Chuan, you can't be familiar with memorizing 'university'".
Cixi may be okay in governing the country, educating children is completely layman, and he can't think of any good way except to rush and reprimand and scold.
Empress Dowager Cixi, who was overly ambitious, interfered not only in political affairs with the Tongzhi Emperor, but also in marriage. After the Tongzhi Emperor got married, Empress Dowager Cixi did not allow him to get close to the empress, and even allowed the Tongzhi Emperor to spend candles in the cave room. This made the Tongzhi Emperor feel aggrieved in his heart, and he was originally a gentleman who did not understand the arts and reason, and he indulged himself even more, and did all kinds of absurd things to resist the pressure exerted on him by Empress Dowager Cixi.
Ancient proverbs
Historical truths are always strikingly similar, and it reflects a bad family pattern: mother strong - son weak - father away; At the same time, the mother is strong and the son is weak and the father is far away, which is a typical problem family model that is more common at present.
As the saying goes: how strong a mother is and how weak a child is, it is also worth thinking about the root of society.