#2023育儿季 #
"Hey, I really don't know how to say it," Lan social worker smiled and encouraged Fengfeng's mother, who was eager to speak, "It's that Fengfeng often - often pulls the crotch of his pants with his hands, I see him once to correct him, but it's useless, is there something wrong with him, it's really a shame!" ”
Feng Feng is in the third grade, and he is often in a daze during class and has a short concentration. The math teacher noticed that he had reached into his pants several times and touched his genitals. After being reminded by the teacher, the mother noticed that Fengfeng did have this behavior, and preaching, stopping, reprimanding, beating, and punishing could not correct him, and she was disappointed in the child and thought cranky.
Compulsive repetitive behavior of peaks and peaks
In the process of accompanying Fengfeng to play, Lan social worker observed and found that Fengfeng did not like to take math classes and hated to do math homework; When doing something he doesn't like, or is insecure, or wants attention from others, he will unconsciously, unconsciously, and uncontrollably touch the genital area.
Childhood experiences & compulsive repetitive behaviors
Compulsive repetition is an intrinsic, primitive tendency in the subconscious mind that motivates individuals to repeat certain self-consciously painful behaviors, and Lan social workers try to understand the peak in terms of childhood experiences.
Feng Feng has witnessed the violent quarrels of his parents and the chaotic scenes of his father's domestic violence and mother's many times. His parents divorced when he was four years old, and Feng Feng was raised by his mother. Dad meets Feng Feng at the beginning of each month and takes him to a restaurant with different aunts. Dad will always say when drinking high, you are the seed of the old Chen family, and I will always be your old son...
Feng Feng understood from his father's words that fortunately he was a son with a "handle", he would be recognized by his father without being beaten. The emotional experience gained in getting along with his parents made Fengfeng form a prototype of love, and in his eyes, his father's love for himself is conditional, which makes him very insecure.
Since childhood, he has failed to establish a secure attachment relationship with his father, and the father and son meet once a month after their parents divorce, and the peak has subconsciously verified the correctness of the thinking of "Dad doesn't love me", in response to this thinking habit, the subconscious deepens its self-awareness: his birth is a bad thing, his father beats his mother, and they divorce, all may be because of himself; I am not good enough to be recognized, valued and cared for.
Slowly, this "unloved", fixed emotional experience erodes Fengfeng's heart day after day, when he is in a state of restlessness, fear, and lack of love, he urgently needs comfort, and familiarity is a very powerful driving force that drives him to involuntarily touch the crotch, and at the same time, his high self-concern is also awakened.
Security is a psychological need of human beings, which affects our lives all the time. Some familiar people, things, and behaviors will be reassuring, so when the subconscious mind thinks that they are in a bad environment, familiarity can bring people a sense of security, in essence, touching the genitals is Fengfeng's search for security, his sense of security is both messy (knowing that it is a bad habit) and dangerous (knowing that he will be blamed by his mother).
The subconscious denials and avoidance of the painful feelings that the father does not really love him, which brings about the repetition of unconscious behavior, as long as Feng Feng does not admit it to himself in words, this behavior, it will not automatically disappear, but will penetrate from Feng Feng's behavior.
Advice to overcome compulsive repetitive behaviors
Compulsive repetition seems to be part of Fengfeng's psychological defense mechanism, but from a positive perspective, it may be Fengfeng's inner struggle, or it may be a sign that he is trying to change and want to believe in something new.
Even though he had a relatively comprehensive picture, Lan social worker did not rush to intervene in Fengfeng's behavior, but spent a long time trying to build relationships. Many family visits have tried many ways to improve the cold and alienated relationship between Fengfeng's parents, and guide them to pay attention to Fengfeng's behavior, cognition, emotions and psychology.
◎ It is useless for parents to be harsh.
Children around the age of 1 begin to explore their own bodies, 3-6 years old is the high incidence period of children playing with genitals, at this time with precocious puberty, has nothing to do with morality, the behavior, on the child's growth and the normal establishment of future sexual response has a very important impact. 6-7 years old will enter the incubation period of sexual development, and the vast majority of children will not have this behavior.
However, Feng Feng is 10 years old and still has frequent genitals, which needs to attract the attention of parents, but do not criticize him too harshly. Because children are unable to resist and express their dissatisfaction after being blamed, they will adopt methods such as procrastination and small actions to avoid the guilt of facing failure and not being able to meet expectations. Just like every time his mother shouts loudly, it will arouse Fengfeng's strong rebellious mentality, causing him to act more often.
◎ Positive psychological cues.
After establishing a pleasant playing relationship with Fengfeng, Lan social worker uses the "empty chair technique" to help him find his unexpressed emotions. It turned out that since his parents separated, Fengfeng's heart was filled with emotions such as anxiety, abandonment, sadness, powerlessness, grievances, and anger.
Through the description and discussion of events, it is understood that Fengfeng has a conscious level of control over the involuntary repetitive behavior at this time. Feng Feng relied on believing that even if his parents were separated, as long as he was still "the seed of the old Chen family", he could win his father's attention, so he avoided the panic and pain that made him indigestible and unloved.
Mom is Fengfeng's most attached and trusted person, she needs to set a positive example for Fengfeng, in addition to accompany him more daily, do not hesitate to encourage and praise when communicating, do more hugs, touch the head and other physical contact, so that he can feel "I am loved, valued, we are together", so that his need to get a sense of belonging is satisfied.
Mom reduces blaming her ex-husband in front of Fengfeng, allowing and encouraging him to connect with Dad. When the desire for peak connection is seen and allowed, it is not so strong, secretly connecting with feelings of denial and negative emotions.
Through many times of communication, Feng's father consciously made some changes, would accompany him to the amusement park, and gradually reduced the mention of son preference.
Some of Fengfeng's questions from his parents will respond positively to meet his needs to connect with his parents. For example, he will inadvertently mention that Fengfeng has those aspects that are "like dad" or "like mom", and what he does to make his parents feel happy, by giving him a positive response and reinforcement, Fengfeng will also connect with his parents in the direction of positive suggestion, and his desire for belonging will also be satisfied.
◎ Build peer relationships.
Fengfeng has experienced insecure attachments, has become oversensitive and nervous in dealing with interpersonal relationships, and is prone to withdrawal in response to peer interactions. Whether at school or in the community, Fengfeng has no friends who have a special time to play.
During a community group activity, Lan social worker helped Fengfeng build relationships with some small partners. Fengfeng met Xiao Yi, who lived in the same community, and they often played together, did homework together, and slowly established a safe and close connection, and shared their troubles and happiness together. Fengfeng's emotional support shifted from family to society, meeting his psychological need to gain a sense of belonging, and also allowing him to learn to adjust his emotions and overcome the habitual thinking of denial.
epilogue
Children's behaviors are varied, some of which can be confusing for parents. Only by finding the psychology hidden behind the behavior is the key to solving the problem.
1. A sense of belonging and the importance of affirming oneself are the two main needs of children. Parents have some inappropriate words and actions, which may cause children to lose their sense of security, which is hidden and far-reaching for their harm and impact.
2. For children with compulsive repetitive behaviors, helping them gain control over their current lives is the main goal of case services, and do not just focus on repeated trauma in the child's behavior, emotional or physical state.
3. The degree of security of attachment in interpersonal relationships may be a key indicator of overcoming compulsive repetitive behavior. Just like in Fengfeng's case, the change of parents will promote the change of their behavior; By establishing new relationships and allowing Fengfeng to find a sense of existence, he can try to observe the people and things around him from a new perspective, learn and try to use new thinking and behavior patterns.
Parenting Series: Changing Children's Bad Behavior