What is the biggest damage in the world? Some say it's deception, some say it's concealment... But I think it is under the banner of "for your good", but in the words and deeds continue to hurt you, what is more sad is that this person is still your loved ones.
"Your child is not your child" To be honest, at first I was attracted by the title of this book, my child is not my child, so whose child is he? With this question, I opened the book.
As far as I know, this is a family education book, written by Taiwanese writer Wu Xiaole, the Chinese Simplified version of the book has attracted wide attention within a week of its release, and its TV series of the same name has won five awards in the 54th Golden Prize, won a high score of 8.4 on Douban, and is known as the Asian version of the black mirror, which shows that the book has a great influence and has resonated with many people.
The background of the book is Taiwanese writer Wu Xiaole, who has been exposed to nine typical parent-child relationship modes in eight years as a tutor.
There are corporal punishment families, control freak families, overprotective families, class anxiety families, masked families, single-parent trauma families, patriarchal families, families that want to become a child, and families that make merits.
The article profoundly exposes the story of these different families gradually distorted by the test system chasing scores, using scores to determine success or failure, and ignoring the individual differences of children.
On the whole, the opening of each of the author's stories creates suspense, the imagination is not open, there is no hypocrisy, the understatement is downplayed but the climax is repeated, each story in the text is like a vicious fight of life, every child in the book, whether they succeed or fail in the worldly judgment, their lives are imprinted with traces of the battle. Each mother in the book has a different image, she is an executioner in the name of love, and from an outsider's point of view, I can also deeply understand what it means to do things that hurt you under the banner of being good for you.
At the beginning of the story, the author quotes a passage from the Gibran prophet on children:
None of your children are your children.
They are the children that life desires for itself,
They are borrowing you,
But it did not come from you,
Though they are with you,
But it does not belong to you.
This passage points out the origin of the title of "Your Child Is Not Your Child", but it also tells all parents that children are borrowed from you, they are complete, independent thinking and personality individuals, independent of the will of their parents, and not anyone's belonging.
In real life, we may envy a well-off family, who is so glamorous in the eyes of outsiders, but is this really the case? Glasses Boy is like this, Madoka's mother can take good care of him and hire him a one-on-one tutor, but Glasses Boy's test results are not as good as he wants, he will be beaten, and her tutor treats him in the same way, over time, all his performance makes everyone think that she is a stupid child, but the author thinks that he is not stupid, he is just a frightened child who has lost confidence.
Every parent hopes to give their children the best life, especially children from poor families, the concept of hoping for a child to become a dragon and a daughter to become a phoenix has been deeply rooted, desperately want to send their children to tutoring, go to a private school with high tuition fees to press all the family's hopes on the child, who does not know that the child will be pressed by the love of the parents can not breathe. They are also teenagers, but they have to face life early.
Qiaoyi is an example of this, the mother's job is to pick tea in the tea plantation, the father is dry pull insurance, the family is not rich, you may have questions, why would a family that is not rich spend expensive tuition and desperately have to send their children to private schools?
Qiaoyi's parents can learn that they have suffered from the loss of academic qualifications, and when they learn that private schools treat parents and students more positively, they will not hesitate to choose private schools. But what they don't know is that children also have vanity, and they will also have low self-esteem because their parents' careers or family conditions are not good enough, and this inferiority is infinitely magnified in private schools.
Qiaoyi feels that the gap between her classmates is very large, so big that it can be said that she is a person of two worlds, what she has to do every day is to use her own way to desperately integrate into a world that is incompatible with it, Qiaoyi feels very tired, it is undeniable that Qiaoyi's parents love her very much, do their best, they want Qiaoyi to live a good life, but this love may bring Qiaoyi more depression and inferiority. This actually shows the sadness and helplessness of parenthood, as there is a saying: "You are a child for the first time, so why are we not parents for the first time?" ”
There are also many children in the book who have different encounters, such as Jasmine, whose mother is strong and strict, always playing chess against him. From Jasmine's elementary school, junior high school, high school, graduate school entrance examination, work, marriage, and childbirth, step by step is in his mother's control, and even wants to treat Jasmine's child in the same way, but Jasmine did not obey her mother this time, she rebelled for her child, hoping that he had a happy childhood. Chen Xiaobei's mother is selfish and indifferent, regards the child as a burden of life, and is unwilling to respond to Chen Xiaobei's desire for maternal love, Chen Xiaobei is an independent, well-studied student, his maturity is rare among his peers, but all he does is just a way for him to exchange for his mother's love, hoping to get his mother's care and love, but in the end he regrets giving birth to such a sentence. Chen Xiaoqiao couldn't accept it, but he had to accept it, and eventually he became a self-exiled person.
Ji Xiaodi's mother forced him to study according to his own goals and rhythm, copying and pasting him with the teaching method he treated his sister, without considering Ji Xiaodi's interests and needs, blindly asking him to follow the rules Ruova's mother to keep an eye on people, and Ruova realized that it was the value of a mother's life to determine that her daughter had ADHD and take care of her sick daughter. And Cai Hanwei's story makes me look down even more, he used to be proud of having a good mother, but the good times did not last long, his mother became a monster, forcibly intervened in his circle of friends, and his mother's hot love made Han Wei an insulator of friendship, and was eventually banished by the world.
In short, love is an ability, however, the way to love needs to be learned, and some love can be gradually perfected like an etude in a rehearsal over and over again. However, the love of parents for their children does not allow practice, so what is the right way to do education? The author also tells all readers in the book that what you can give your children is your love, but not your ideas, because they have their own ideas, and returning the choice to their children is what parents should do. So what exactly should be done?
One is to give children autonomy. Parents want their children to listen to their opinions, but the first thing to do, learn to listen, respect each other, do not communicate in a leadership posture, respect children's words, if it is just a simple preaching, without listening to each other, it will only make children feel pressure. In addition to generating a rebellious mentality, when there is a difference between the child's and the parents' ideas, the parents can give their own opinions and discuss with the child, but it is the child who makes the final decision, because this is their life and no one can replace it
All in all, every child is an individual. On the contrary, each parent is also an independent individual, but the world binds them together, so that neither party can breathe, so we must learn to loosen moderately, listen more, criticize less, praise more, in order to behave, the family is more harmonious, so that mother and child can relax every day.