Instead of saying 10,000 words of "big truth" with their mouths, parents should listen to a careful wish and small idea of their children. To effectively educate children, you must know how to listen and understand what children have to say.
- Sister Sa
Author: Wu Yang
01
Both parents and children are eager to "obey" each other
People are going to be scared.
I went to my eldest brother's house for dinner on the weekend, and my 11-year-old niece almost disappeared.
Originally, everyone was happy to finish eating, saw the sun shining, and prepared to take the children to the city square to fly kites.
Suddenly, my niece and sister-in-law were heard yelling in the room.
I only heard my sister-in-law shouting sharply: "You write homework alone at home and watch others go out to play." ”
The niece did not show weakness: "If you don't go, you won't go, who rarely goes with you." Then I heard the sound of something shredding.
By the time we all entered the room, it was full of scraps of paper and hysterical, tugging at each other.
The niece tore up the homework, and the sister-in-law pushed and pulled the child angrily.
I don't know where an 11-year-old girl came from, everyone finally separated the two women, one didn't pay attention, the niece took out a slender fruit knife from the drawer and put it on her wrist.
The sister-in-law seemed to be a "female general" who had everything under control, did not give in at all, and continued to scold the child:
"You are now capable and dare to threaten your parents with a knife; If you have the ability, you will cross it down, no ability, continue to write my homework....."
Questioning in a loud voice, the niece's emotions became more and more agitated, the knife had already touched the skin, and there was a slight bloody opening.
Fortunately, the eldest brother made a quick decision and carried his sister-in-law to another room, and the rest of us, who understood or did not understand, did not know how long it took, and finally took the knife in the child's hand.
Finally, my eldest brother said to me, "You usually read a lot, enlighten and enlighten her well." ”
After hugging her niece, who was trembling, her back was already soaked with sweat, and helped her change her clothes, the child cried.
While sobbing, he complained:
"How can I have such a mother, who only lets me write homework every day, never cares about me, the ruler was borrowed by a classmate and did not return it, saying that I was useless, forgetting to bring the water cup back, saying that I was a loser, failing the exam, saying that I was a fool ...
She never knows, that's my best friend, only she will listen to me; The water cup accidentally broke, but I didn't dare to tell her; The questions for the exam are too difficult, and I simply don't have enough time..."
My niece's words made me reflect.
Oh, yes. Why do we talk bitterly and ear to the face, but the children can never understand the good intentions of their parents?
What the hell are they thinking?
The author Cong Fei Cong replied like this:
"It's important what the child is thinking. Only when you really get to know him, understand him, and become his friend can you really care about his growth. To become his friend is not only to play with him and make him happy, but also to go into his heart, listen to his heart, put yourself in his shoes from his point of view, and complete empathy. ”
If you want to pour water into a bottle with a lid, at least unscrew the cap first.
If you want to effectively educate children, you should first know how to listen and understand your child's voice.
02
Children who are not listened to even grow up are cruel
Some time ago, a friend asked me that there is a relative in his family, in his 30s, who is already a mother of children, but he always likes to buy all kinds of figurines and toys, and if he can't pile them up at home, he will put them back to his mother's house.
I can't help but think that there is a question with more than 20 million traffic on Zhihu:
My daughter is going to use the money to buy LV bags when she goes to college this year, what should I say to her?
There was an answer with 40,000 likes in it, but about 500 words, but it hit many parents in the face.
"I want to hear her" 5 words made my eyes feel warm.
I remembered "Little Beanie by the Window", a small body, but said to strangers for 4 hours in a row.
Before meeting Principal Lin, no one wanted to listen to her.
Remembered Can Someone Hear Me? Jack in ", every "I think" is diverted by his parents and family.
It is obviously a family living together, but it is like a species from different planets, and no one hears what Jack said.
Gradually, Jack becomes silent and lonely, while the family thinks that Jack is a quiet child.
Jack, on the other hand, can only speak to his doll, Bear Cheteswang.
It is not difficult to understand that when a child exposes his heart to the most trusted and closest people, what awaits him is not response, understanding, and attention, but ignorance, denial, and misunderstanding.
What a loss it should be to feel like this.
Speaking is the exposure of the heart, the expression of needs, and the display of emotions.
Correspondingly, listening is seeing, respecting, and paying attention.
Psychological research points out that people are pursuing a sense of value and identity in this life, and the younger the child, the more obvious this need.
And these two points boil down to "being noticed", "being respected", and specific to action: listening.
As we age, the less these needs are met, the easier it is to appear in another way until it affects life.
Children who are not listened to from an early age grow up and become more lonely.
The growing up body made him lose his reason to be willful and coquettish, and the missing mind made it difficult for him to deal with himself.
03
Listening is the fast track to effective education
Some time ago, in the CCTV hit drama "Our Day", Dad Wang Xianping was a proper straight man.
There are many embarrassing points in the relationship between husband and wife, but when it comes to educating children, it is worth learning from all parents.
The son Mingzhong suffers from congenital physiological defects, and the family has worked hard to conceal it, and they can't resist the child's age, and the rumors outside make the child more and more autistic.
Once, Ming Zhong was insulted by his classmates outside in the toilet, and quietly hid in the bathhouse alone after school.
After Wang Xianping found Ming Zhong in the bathhouse, he had a frank conversation, and Ming Zhong had hope of healing, and also put forward his own ideas, and his father explained and agreed one by one.
With the encouragement of his father, Ming Zhong aspired to study medicine, and later, became a senior student in a well-known hospital.
And seeing his daughter Xuefa being treated poorly by his grandmother, Wang Xianping listened to his daughter's needs and "stolen" his grandmother's snacks with his daughter.
In "The Road Less Traveled", it is said: "The most important form of love is attention. ”
And the quickest and most effective way to "follow" is to listen.
I have heard too many parents complain that the older the child, the more difficult it is to manage, and the older the child, the more difficult it is to communicate.
As everyone knows, there is only one mouth that can talk, but the ears that can obey are a pair.
Too many parents only want to use their mouths but ignore the potential power of their ears.
You know, the heart that can't go into, no matter how good the mouth is, is just in vain.
Irrefutable truths can become straws that crush life.
Angry and ugly accusations will be like sharp arrows, hitting the child's inner vulnerability.
Instead of saying 10,000 words of "big truth" with your mouth, it is better to listen to a child's careful wishes and small thoughts.
The key to listening is not to be fully satisfied, but to make the child feel "noticed".
Their own thoughts, someone hears; Own needs, someone knows.
Even if it is not understood, it is an outlet, to obtain a "container" for the heart.
04
Only parents who are "obedient" can raise obedient children
Bi Shumin once said:
"People live in the world, and listening and speaking are two important things. The person who speaks wants others to be able to hear their own voice, let others understand your words in a short time, and let you understand each other's words, and collide between the two minds, which becomes the art of the heart. ”
Parents always want their children to be obedient, but forget that children are also a normal person, and they also hope that parents can be "obedient".
In contrast, parents want their children to do what they are told, and their children only need to hear what he says.
Mediocre parents blindly blame their children for disobedience.
Wise parents will crouch down and listen to their children.
1. Understand the meaning behind your child's language
People are small and big.
Children also have their own words, and sometimes, for various reasons, they do not express their thoughts or needs directly.
For example, my son sometimes says to me, "Do you see a baby in front of you?"
At first, I thought he was just "asking for a hug", but then I found out that he wanted me to drop what I was doing and play with him for a while.
At this time, if you can't let go of what you are doing, you can clearly tell the child and make an appointment.
If you happen to be free, you may wish to give some time to your child, it does not need much, and over time, you can create a "green channel" for parent-child communication.
2. Listen to children according to their age group
Listening is a matter that requires time and energy and patience.
I especially understand the difficulties of modern parents, who have to live a comprehensive life and raise their children, are often exhausted, and it is difficult to complete communication with their children.
In fact, not every child needs to listen patiently to every sentence.
Parents can judge how to listen to their children based on their age.
Generally speaking, children under the age of 6, talk more, but, there is no obvious intention, often in order to speak, at this time, parents do not have to be too careful, allow children to say it, they sometimes, is their own words.
Parents only need to take some time to listen to their children.
For example, when the child repeatedly emphasizes one thing, it basically shows that this matter is very important to the child, and parents need to pay attention to it.
In the face of slightly older children, their expression is often relatively clear.
Parents need to dedicate time to listen to their children's inner voices.
If you disagree with your concepts and disagree, do not easily deny and stop the child, at best you can only put forward your own opinion, as for the final result, you should respect the child.
Don't worry about your child's choice, which will have terrible consequences for him, because when your child feels your respect and understanding, they will consider your suggestions more rationally and calmly, and then make trade-offs.
05
Write at the end
American author M. Scott Peck noted:
"True love, not forgetfulness, but deliberation, is a major decision to give your whole body and mind.
The value of true love lies in consistent action.
True love, which comes from one's own will, can only be proved by actual actions. ”
If this action is concrete, then "listening" is one of the important concrete actions.
This is not only the essence of love, but also the core of attention, understanding and respect.
Through "listening" and opening the door of the child's heart, love can smoothly enter the child's heart.
May all parents know love, and may all children feel love.
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