Author: Hannibal's Dinner
A netizen posted asking: "What does a perfect native family look like?" ”
The answers below are varied, some of which are considered to be strong economic strength, or parents who are gentle and considerate, mutually respectful, emotionally stable, can treat children equally, give enough love and security, have no patriarchal thinking, are healthy, and so on.
But does the perfect family of origin really exist?
The crying of the baby
If you observe the newborn baby, you will find that their requirements for the environment are almost perfect, hungry and want to get milk immediately, when uncomfortable, the mother's comfort is best sent at the first time, when these moments are constantly satisfied, the baby begins to have the ability to bear those late "comforts".
Some mothers will adopt the method of regular breastfeeding to take care of the baby in the later stages, but this method seems to work for some children, but other babies will use non-stop crying to declare the failure of the mother's plan, one of the reasons for this situation is that their initial needs are not fully taken care of and are difficult to delay.
Of course, some families in the beginning, the establishment of three hours to feed the habit, and even to wake up the sleeping child, put the nipple into the mouth, the baby has no choice, can only cooperate with this feeding method, the body also began to automatically adjust, in response to the mother's rhythm.
Some babies can bear it, because in addition to breastfeeding, at other times, they are well taken care of, and these experiences of being properly satisfied can bear the twists and turns of this "forced feeding", but those babies who, for various reasons, for most of the time, have not received that kind of proper care for a long time, are often difficult to soothe, show very intense sadness, or become helpless indifference or avoidance.
The needs of infancy are suppressed, and in adulthood this desire for "perfect care" seeks expression in a variety of deformed ways.
Perfect behind
These infancy needs, in childhood, often amplify the "trauma", when the mother does not buy the desired toys, or because of the busy work, there is no time to accompany them, some children may have infuriating crying, or overreact to the lack of this companionship, and even produce a certain "symptom", becoming sensitive and anxious.
What seems normal to other children becomes a setback for these children, and as a parent, you may give an evaluation of not being strong, ignorant or having a bad personality, which is almost a secondary injury, forming a vicious circle.
Even if the child passes through the infancy smoothly, in childhood, it is still inevitable to encounter some situations.
There is a lady who feels pain because of the difficult to stop shopping behavior, in a distant childhood, her mother will buy new clothes for her brother every time in the Spring Festival, but never her share, similar to the lack of crazy compensation in adulthood, behind this behavior, in fact, is to hope to be loved, can have some small satisfaction.
For her, the perfect birth family includes being treated equally.
But for others, childhood is a different scene, a netizen recalled that when he was young, his mother's mood was particularly unstable, he did not know when he would be angry, as long as he did not do as required, or there was something that made his mother feel dissatisfied, he would be insulted, accused and attacked, and he was forced to bear his mother's emotions.
For this man, the perfect family of origin, including having an emotionally stable environment, can survive safely.
It can be seen that everyone's expectations of idealized parents are different, and they are compensated in various ways after adulthood, some in positive ways, and some become obstacles to intimate relationships or work.
Although at the conscious level, it is clearly known that there is no perfection, the subconscious mind always silently places this need in a new relationship in an attempt to find satisfaction.
"Carving a boat and asking for a sword"
When those who are suppressed in infancy need to seek expression after adulthood, there will be a variety of situations, knowing that there is a post on the knowledge that they are not accustomed to colleagues and family, think that they can not speak, have no emotional intelligence, like the boy many small things can not do well, no one can meet their own wishes.
She subconsciously hopes that the environment around her will respond perfectly to her, a powerful desire for control, and what others say, do, or show what emotions they show, all need to act according to their own ideas.
This is bound to be frustrated, and outward behavior can be irrepressible anger, protested by constantly criticizing and blaming the other person, or quickly avoiding it. In the adult world, similar emotions can also make people feel ashamed and self-blamed, think that they have a bad personality, begin to hate themselves, self-aggression begins to appear, and under the calm appearance, the inner world is at war.
Individuals don't even realize this, they just feel tired every day, normal social interaction in the eyes of outsiders has become a purgatory test, and intimate relationships are even more devastated.
Such expression can be very secretive in some cases. For example, we may encounter relationships where we can't find any problems at the level of consciousness, but we always feel tired.
The expression of the other party at the language level did not find any abnormality, but they experienced great pressure and wanted to attack or leave, one of the reasons is because the individual has experienced too much "training" in the day after tomorrow, how to get along with outsiders, and how to express it properly and politely.
But the training at the conscious level, it is difficult to cover up the message sent by the subconscious, the infantile needs plus the strength of adults, the emotional tension is huge, once the intimate relationship is initiated, these "terrifying waves" will drown the individual's personality.
The more the first years of life, especially in the early stages of language, the more secretive the way of expression becomes.
That's why I learn a lot of truth, I learn a lot of methods and techniques, but I still feel painful, it is difficult to solve real-life problems, and these thoughts do not touch the past that language cannot reach.
Heal wounds in the present moment
(1) The part that can be recalled
Some "trauma" can be remembered, and some adults will be sad and cry like a child when recalling the pain of childhood, and they have great anger and dissatisfaction with their parents, and in a moment it seems to go back to the past and deal with the outside world as they did in the first place.
This is a very sensitive part of the personality, often inadvertently triggered in new relationships, by a certain sentence or some behavior of others, which brings us back to our childhood nightmares, causing ourselves to act like a child in an instant, pouring all our emotions on each other, or torturing ourselves.
You can be aware of this first, give yourself time to "buffer" and rethink whether this is our overreaction or childlike helplessness in the face of these things.
Try to use the adult part of yourself to understand the past, rather than being completely overwhelmed by the past, and when you realize this, you will often find a lot of solutions on your own.
(2) Infants and death
Babies initially need to rely entirely on their mothers, and when they are not cared for in time, they will worry about their own death, which is one of the reasons for the "death anxiety", and why some adults are very afraid of entering the relationship, or in intimate relationships, even if the other party repeatedly guarantees, it is difficult to feel safe.
The baby part of them is still afraid of their own "death."
This anxiety will invisibly amplify many twists and turns, and any changes in the relationship between the two people will be veiled by the subconscious "death".
The first thing to realize is that fluctuations in relationships, even separation, don't make us die, we can still survive and have the ability to deal with all kinds of problems.
"Death anxiety" seals the ability to resolve conflicts.
(3) Correctly understand your own strength
When the need for infants to be taken care of is frustrated, they will attack the mother in fantasy and think that their strength can destroy it, and some adults are cautious in the relationship, avoiding conflict, and even making their own interests for this, in fact, the subconscious is worried that their anger will hurt the other party and even "destroy" the other party.
This is a kind of infantile overestimation of one's own strength.
There are also individuals who often feel helpless, dissatisfied, or angry in life and work, partly because they subconsciously still expect the care of idealized parents, which is a disguised desire to have a perfect original family, and unconsciously project this expectation to the outside world, trying to be satisfied in a new relationship.
This is bound to be frustrated, and it will put the power that belongs to us into the hands of others, hoping that the outside world will give us the gifts that we can get through self-growth.
It's like a child crying and asking his parents for something they don't have.
The perfect original family does not exist, and some things can only be obtained through our own awareness, reflection and transformation, just like the original baby, which can use those satisfied parts to resist those unsatisfied "traumas", to discover the beauty around us in the here and now, to give ourselves a chance, to open our hearts, to get along with this part, and to form our own unique meaning.
May the depths of our souls be willing to understand and accept this matter.
This article was first published in the public account Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, and unauthorized reprinting is strictly prohibited