In the movie "Non-sincere Do Not Disturb", the male protagonist Qin Fen, played by Ge You, met a woman who had a very good feeling when he was on a blind date.
When she looked deeper, she found that the woman was completely uninterested in sex, and she asked, "Is that so interesting?" ”
Qin Fen was surprised and annoyed, thinking that the woman was incomprehensible. In fact, there really is asexuality in the world—a group that is hardly seen and understood.
"It's better to have sex than to eat cake"
There are girls who anonymously share their stories:
"I've been disgusted with sex for years, and for lovers, hugging is my bottom line.
However, social opinion is: as a woman, you need to meet your boyfriend's sexual needs. Although my boyfriend respected my wishes, I always felt guilty.
So I tried to take this step, but as soon as he kissed me, I felt like my stomach was turning upside down. Finally, I couldn't help but run to the bathroom and vomit, and ended the attempt in a daze. ”
The girl confessed that she had always been inferior to herself when she was growing up, and felt that she was a monster who could not accept sex, until she understood the word "asexual", she felt a little relaxed and understood the root of all this.
Girls choose to confide anonymously because too little is known about asexuality.
There are nearly 20,000 people in Douban's asexual group, which is described above:
Asexual, is a person who is not attracted to sex, or who is not interested in sex.
In other words, both men and women have no sexual attraction to them, and they do not want to have sex with others, which is the fourth sexual orientation besides heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality.
The study found that about 70 million people around the world are asexual, that is, there may be one asexual in every hundred people.
Cake is seen as an important sign of asexuality, because in their eyes, "it is better to have sex than to eat cake." ”
Asexuality does not equal frigidity or emotional numbness, nor does it require healing
When people hear about asexuality, people will always mistakenly think that they are emotionally numb, or that they have "just met the right person yet."
Aaron, a 25-year-old asexual, has a wonderful intimate relationship, but he describes it this way:
"Looking into my girlfriend's eyes, I can feel her care, her love, her warmth, these are the things that anyone with happy love can feel – I just can't feel the sexual impulse to throw her down." 」
Most asexuals also throw themselves into love, they may fall in love with the same or opposite sex, and what they have in common is that they cannot feel sexual attraction:
Same-sex romantic asexuals: have an interest in love with people of the same gender, asexual attraction
Heterosexual romantic asexuals: People of the opposite sex who have an interest in love, asexual attraction
Bisexual romantic asexuals: Have an interest in being in love with people of both genders, asexual attraction
Pansexual Romantic Asexual: Have an interest in love with people of any gender including transgender, unisex or hermaphrodite, asexual attraction
Asexual without romantic plot: No interest in anyone, no sexual attraction
In addition, asexual people do not have abnormal physical function and can have sex, but it will make them feel uncomfortable.
Little A once had sex with his girlfriend in order to meet her expectations, but he only felt bored and tired, and once wanted to push his girlfriend away.
His inner monologue was: "I can feel her expectations when I hug Luo Yun, but none of this can make me more excited, even like a kind of torture, I just want to end it quickly." 」 ”
Another big misconception about asexuals is: "Isn't this just frigidity?" ”
There is an essential difference between the two, the frigid person is the existence of sexual desire, but it is more cold or difficult to arouse sexual desire, which may be caused by unpleasant experiences and other acquired reasons, and can be healed or adjusted.
Asexuality is the rejection of sex, thinking that sex is a waste of time, this is just a psychological reaction, and does not need to be cured.
At present, there is no professional test to determine whether it is asexual, and people who are distressed about this can try to ask themselves these questions:
What does sexual attraction mean to me?
Have I experienced sexual attraction?
How do I understand the concept of sex?
Is it necessary for me to have sex out of someone else's expectations?
Is sex important to me?
When I see someone attractive, do I want to have sex with them?
How do I enjoy love?
Does sex affect it?
There is no standard answer to the question, it is more like an identity choice, completely up to you.
The asexual dilemma
In the Japanese documentary "Outside the Love Circle", the asexual male protagonist has an ordinary sexual girlfriend, and the two have a smooth relationship.
The male protagonist confessed his sexual orientation at the beginning of the relationship, clarified the boundaries of intimacy, and longed for a relationship of "peace of mind, mutual dependence, and vulnerability exposed".
The girl also accepted this not-so-common relationship in their frank communication and high-quality emotional interactions.
But most asexuals are not so lucky, they are like walking into a cage, the steps are difficult.
1, it is difficult to get self-identification, continue to torture themselves.
Boy David Jay has no interest in her friends talking about sex every time, and a few dates end when they reach the kissing stage.
He doubted whether he was "normal" and even continued to torture himself. It wasn't until he understood the concept of asexuality that he was slightly comforted.
In order to help more asexual people gain a sense of identity and correctly understand themselves, he founded the online non-profit organization AVEN, which is the world's largest asexual online forum today.
But in reality, there are still many people who have never heard of the term "asexual" and feel ashamed and bitter about their differences from others.
2, do not dare to fall in love.
In an interview, college student Yu Hang had a crush on the girl in the next class, and his friend helped him pave the way, just waiting for him to confess.
But he chose to give up, "He was inferior to himself because he had no sexual desire, and he didn't want to delay the other party." ”
Sakura, a 27-year-old asexual girl who has never entered an intimate relationship, is afraid of dating, so she has to put an end to all communication with the opposite sex for the purpose of self-protection.
Fearing not being accepted and hurting each other, they shackled themselves and did not dare to step forward.
3. Compromise with your partner and endure great pain in your heart.
Alice loves her boyfriend very much, because she is afraid of losing each other, and she reluctantly accepts sex herself.
She desperately persuaded herself, "Bear with me for a few more minutes and it will pass." ”
Several times, the line from the movie "Purple" came to her mind: "I just lay there... Let him do his thing. ”
4. Not being respected by the partner and being "correctively raped".
After Ah Hua confessed her asexual identity to her boyfriend, her boyfriend accepted it superficially, but secretly he has been looking for opportunities to "correct" her.
Once, when they hugged, the boyfriend said softly, "Baby, let's try it", "How do you know you don't like it" "I've endured too long, I really love you too much"...
After that, he refused despite Ah Hua's struggle and wanted to continue the relationship. Frightened and feeling the pain of being cheated inside, Ah Hua deleted her boyfriend's contact information and angrily said, "I think this is an attempted rape." ”
Write at the end:
Asexuals who cannot feel sexual attraction are often seen as "deficient" and themselves are caught up in constant self-doubt.
But as in "Sex Self-Study Room", a mother exhorted an asexual girl: "Sex does not make us complete, how can you be fragmented?" ”
Asexuality is a natural choice for a small number of people, which does not mean that it is wrong, nor does it mean that they deserve to be ignored and discriminated against.
We focus on this topic because "just knowing the concept of 'asexuality' will help more people get out of trouble." ”
More because the respect and understanding of asexuals is the tolerance of human differences, which helps each independent individual to obey the call of the heart, not to be affected by prejudice and worldliness, and to choose the lifestyle they want.
That's the freedom that everyone craves.