Mr. Cai consulted
I am a university teacher, I am in my thirties, and I have not met anyone who is attracted by my heart in the past two years. When I was about to give up, counselor Cheng Jia (pseudonym) broke into my life.
Unlike others, she was not only lively and cheerful, but also idealistic and curious about things, which attracted me to her, and soon we were naturally together.
I am several years older than Cheng Jia and have more work experience, so I take care of her more in life and work. Not only guide her work, but also try to meet her various needs. Knowing that she wanted to work and study at the same time, I helped her find schools, find materials, and tutor, even if it delayed my work, I didn't mind. After our joint efforts, Cheng Jia was successfully admitted to a neighboring university as a graduate student in only one year.
This was supposed to be a happy thing, but it created new problems for our relationship.
We had agreed that even if we were in a long-distance relationship, we would manage the relationship well and see each other every week. But she has a lot of schoolwork and only has time to come back during holidays, so I usually drive for a few hours to meet her.
But over time, Cheng Jia's attitude towards me gradually became cold, from missing and wanting to see me at the beginning, to later becoming cold, busy, and having no time. Even so, I silently supported her behind her back. But in the end, she ruthlessly proposed to break up.
I gave so much for her, but she said that it was because I was too good for her, and there was a lot of pressure, and the breakup made her feel relaxed and relieved.
I can't understand, unwilling and helpless, why did I give so much in exchange for such a result?
Teacher Li Xiuxin answered
After many people are broken up, they will have your confusion and unwillingness: Why did I give so much, but TA left me?
In relationships, some people pursue "equal strength", some people want to rely on and be taken care of, and some people enjoy taking care of each other... Everyone's needs for a relationship are different, and they will adjust over time. At first, we will meet some internal needs of each other, and when we slowly no longer match, we will begin to want to separate. This ending, not because you are not good enough, but because the two sides are no longer suitable.
Love has always been praised because of its selflessness and unrequited, but those great love stories tell us that such love needs an important condition for it to happen - two loves.
From your narration, you can feel that you love your girlfriend very much and have given a lot to her, spending a lot of time, thought, and even sacrificing working hours. But is this sacrifice really what the other party needs?
Overpaid love is heavy, making the other party feel guilty, unable to repay, generating huge psychological pressure, and finally wanting to escape and reject this love.
A person often habitually overgives in the relationship, such a giving, at first the other party may enjoy and appreciate, but over time, you will feel that you are doing this more "self-satisfaction", unable to see the other party's real needs. Even if you can't express it clearly, you can't help but flee and alienate you.
Therefore, it is not that the more you give in a relationship, the stronger the relationship. By giving appropriately, maintaining oneself, being aware of one's true needs in time and communicating with each other, and caring for each other's real needs, such a relationship can be more long-lasting and harmonious.
▎Media: "Partner" magazine, April 2019, No. 479, P27 "Marriage and Romance Clinic"
Experts in this issue
Guangzhou heard about it, counselor of the psychological counseling center - Li Xiuxin