The Secret Behind Sin (Part 2)

10.

At the door of the funeral home, the mother held her brother's small body and did not let go.

She saw that her mother's tears had not stopped since her brother's death.

Zhang Yuliang said with tears in his eyes, you don't let the child go uneasy. He was also going to reincarnate.

Mother let go.

She held her mother. The mother pushed her away.

She sat on the ground and cried too.

She also regretted dying.

If time could be turned back, she would rather drown herself.

She looked at Zhang Yuliang, and she hoped he would hit her and scold her.

But he was silent.

His silence was like a blunt knife, cutting her raw pain, but she couldn't die.

Zhang Yuliang resigned from school and went to work at a construction site in the county seat.

No one took her hand to school anymore.

She knew he was hiding from her, and he was punishing him.

How many times had she wanted to tell him that I had a chance to save him. It was I who killed him, it was I who watched him die.

But she didn't say it, she couldn't say it.

She was afraid he would never pay any more attention to her, she was afraid he would never like her again.

Only in her dreams can she cry wantonly and repent loudly.

She often dreamed that her brother was calling for help. And she couldn't save him every time.

Sometimes she saw black and white impermanence coming to catch her and call her a murderer. They say, people like you, you have to go down to eighteen layers of hell and be roasted and fried in oil.

She was strangled by a rope and gasped. Until you wake up.

She was tormented by nightmares and was better off alive than dead.

11.

In high school, she also went to the county seat.

Nightmares still haunt.

How many times had she dreamed that those little ghosts in front of the Yan Luo Temple were pestering her and asking her, why don't you see death and not save it, that is your own brother?

She woke up from a nightmare and was sweating profusely.

She began to indulge in games, staying in the Internet café for several days and nights without returning to school.

Mother pulled her out of the Internet café and scolded her, how can you be so angry, do you know how hard your father works on the construction site every day? Every penny you spend now is earned by his sweat smashing on the ground and breaking into 18 petals.

Her mother dragged her to the construction site.

She saw him covered in dust, pushing hard against the brick-pulling cart, his body bowed into the shape of a shrimp.

Her eyes were filled with tears, and she struggled not to cry.

Mother said, look at your bear-like appearance now, is it worthy of him?

She was anxious, shook off her mother's hand, and said, yes. I'm sorry for him, I'm sorry for my brother. I know you all hate me and want me to die.

I also wanted to die, and if I had a choice, I'd rather be the one who died in the first place.

In this way, you are satisfied, and Zhang Yuliang is satisfied.

The mother was stunned, eased up, gave her a slap, how can you say such a thing? Who among us blames you?

In the winter, Zhang Yuliang came to bring her clothes.

She saw his chapped lips and half-white hair, and her heart was like a knife.

He said, Nini, you're too skinny to eat something good.

She opened her clothes and saw a thick pile of change stuffed inside, tears pouring down her face.

12.

On the day she received her college acceptance letter, Zhang Yuliang said she would invite the villagers to dinner.

She said, no.

Zhang Yuliang said that this is the rule of the village. You got into college, which is a happy thing. We have to do it if everyone else does it, and we can't let people gossip about us behind our backs.

That day, Zhang Yuliang drank a lot of wine.

She followed him, one by one, to toast the elders.

He saw the grandson of the third grandfather and said, Is this Chenglin? I haven't seen it in a few years, but I've grown so big.

The third grandfather smiled and said, it is a fast man.

He also said, if your little treasure were alive, it would now be a big child, right?

Zhang Yuliang's hand holding the wine glass stopped in mid-air.

She saw his hands trembling slightly.

That night, she and her mother finished cleaning up and disappeared Zhang Yuliang.

She searched the whole village and finally saw him in the cemetery on the back hill.

He sat in front of his brother's grave.

She saw his back twitching and crying.

That was the first time she'd seen him cry.

Her heart twitched violently.

Tears welled up.

13.

Zhang Yuliang died, and he fell off the scaffolding at the construction site.

Fell to the ground bleeding.

He was 48 years old.

She fell into self-blame again, she knew that Zhang Yuliang died because of her.

If she hadn't killed Xiao Bao, he wouldn't have gone to the construction site, he wouldn't have wandered around while working, and he wouldn't have died.

I killed him.

She couldn't forgive her sins.

Once she saw Zhang Yuliang holding her brother's hand in her sleep, walking forward.

She ran over, hugged Zhang Yuliang's leg, and said, Dad, don't go, I was wrong. Don't go, please.

Zhang Yuliang broke her fingers one by one, took her brother's hand, and walked away without turning her head.

She woke up, covered her face and cried bitterly.

14.

That national day, she went home to see her mother.

See the house with locked doors.

She thought she should harvest corn in the field.

I wanted to go to the Houshan Cemetery first to see Zhang Yuliang and my brother.

She came to the back hill.

The mother was there.

She hid under a tree and listened to her mother, "Don't blame Nini." She was just a child. She didn't expect that to happen either.

My own child I know that she is not a bad boy. She must have been frightened, so she didn't pull Xiao Bao up in time.

If you want to blame, blame me. I was going to insist on keeping Xiaoyu.

She hadn't had a good time all these years, how many times she had shouted in her dreams, it was she who killed Xiao Bao, and even the fever was talking nonsense.

All these years of hiding from you, I just don't want to make you sad anymore.

She suddenly remembered that time she had a high fever, and the whole person was as drunk and confused.

She remembered seeing Yama, and she said, I'm guilty, I did it on purpose. I could have saved him, but I didn't.

After she had a fever, she felt deeply frightened when she remembered those words.

She asked her mother, but she said she didn't say anything.

She just put her mind at ease.

She thought her mother didn't know.

In the autumn wind, my mother's thin body trembled with the wind.

She stood under the tree, crying silently.

15.

The mother had liver cancer, advanced.

She watched in the hospital as her mother lost weight day by day, out of human form.

My mother said, I want to go home.

She got out of the car holding her mother's thin body, just as she had held her in the first place.

Mother said before leaving, after this world will be left alone, you have to live well.

She grabbed her mother's hand and kept crying.

Her mother wiped her tears and said, Don't cry, you have suffered enough sins over the years. Don't live in the past, look forward.

The mother said she wanted to see the only family portrait in the house.

She took it to her and saw her mother leaning on Zhang Yuliang's shoulder and smiling softly.

The younger brother sat on their lap, and she stood next to them, no smile on her face.

The mother hugged the photo tightly and closed her eyes.

16.

The old house was sold.

She packed up her belongings at home.

Opening the closet, she saw her brother's childhood clothes, neatly folded.

It still seems to smell like a mother.

She didn't know how many times her mother had folded it and touched it.

She carefully removed the pillowcase again. My mother had said that when she was gone, she would burn them all together.

She felt something hard in the pillowcase.

Pulling it out, it was a yellowed book.

It is Zhang Yuliang's diary.

She knew that he had always had a habit of keeping a diary.

At that time she was writing her homework under the lamp, and he was writing a diary across the street, preparing lessons, and approving homework.

The mother brought the boiled chestnuts over and peeled the chestnuts and stuffed them into their mouths.

Zhang Yuliang said, don't give it to me, you eat with Nini.

She read page after page, writing about his love affair with his mother, about how he had learned to be a good father and please her.

He wrote: Today Nini is sitting on my shoulder. She finally smiled. I'm so happy.

He wrote: Nini slammed the door today and left. I really regret it, I'm sorry Nini. But it was a life, so how could I be willing to deprive him of his right to live?

He wrote: I'm so damned, why can't I treat her like I used to. I still blame her in my heart, but I don't want to admit it. As soon as I saw her eyes, I remembered that day. I remembered that no matter how I called her, she didn't react, and I remembered Xiao Bao's fluttering look, and I remembered the way she stood there.

He wrote: "It's my fault, if I'd run faster, if I shouted louder, Nini might have heard." She was just scared, she was just a child.

He wrote: Nini had a high fever and had been talking nonsense all night. I was afraid she would say it. I tried to guard her several times, but was pushed out by her mother. I'm really worried.

He wrote: Nini was admitted to college. I'm so happy for her. I've got to make more money. The cost in college is high, and it is necessary to give her more living expenses so that she will not suffer outside.

He wrote: I can't write anymore, if one day let Nini's mother see it, it will be over, and her heart will be bitter enough. Let the things of the past pass. Nini has had a hard time all these years, and I know she hasn't let go. But I really want her to forget all this. She should have a new life.

She buried her face in her notebook and cried loudly.