Parenting anxiety is a problem that plagues many parents in this day and age.
Since the child's kindergarten, he has taken the child to sign up for various extracurricular tutoring classes, from music and art, to English and mathematics... Because other children have reported, and their own children have not reported, is it losing at the starting line?
When the child goes to school, he is even more anxious, entrance exams, monthly exams, midterm exams, final exams, junior high school entrance examinations, high school entrance examinations, college entrance examinations... Exam after exam, score after score are stimulating the nerves of children and parents.
Every time I help my child write homework, it is a "war" when the child collapses, the parents collapse, and I don't know when it started, and only quarrels and cries remained at home.
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Too many questions and anxieties plague parents, what kind of parents do we have to be, what kind of people do we want our children to be, in order to live better in the future era?
Today, Xiao Yu interprets for you "What is the best parent". The author, Hayato Kawai, is the undisputed pioneer and founder of the field of psychotherapy in Japan. He is a mentor and friend of Japan's super popular writer Haruki Murakami, the spiritual mentor of Japanese diva writer Yoshimoto Banana, and the inspiration of picture book master Jimmy.
In this book, Hayato Kawai uses plain language to lightly decipher his parents' parenting puzzles. In a materialistic society that is eager for quick success, this book may be a cooling agent to soothe people's impetuosity due to parenting, making people stop to think, suddenly look back or introspect themselves.
1. Why is it important to give children the feeling of being protected?
In the book, the author emphasizes that from the birth of the child to three or four months, it is very important to give the child a feeling of protection! Psychology believes that children form a basic sense of trust in the world through their mother, that is, a sense of security similar to "it doesn't matter".
When you are hungry, you can get food by crying; In case of difficulties, there will also be people to help themselves ... Babies repeatedly experience the process of "restlessness-okay, unease-okay" countless times, and understand that the world is basically "reassuring", which is very important for children.
Of course, it's okay for babies to experience a little of this uneasiness occasionally because their parents can't get busy, but it's bad if the baby gets an experience of "absolutely impossible help."
Perhaps many parenting methods will also say, children cry do not respond to the call to go up immediately, so which method is better? The author believes that "you can always get help when you are uneasy", and there is no harm in this experience, because in the process of a child's growth, there will always be times when you can't get help, and if you miss the opportunity to help your child, and end up making the child feel that he can't get help anyway, it's terrible.
2. Why do children always don't understand my efforts?
The author believes that the reason is that many parents are too lazy to hone their instincts as parents, so they do not understand what their children really want.
Now many parents are running around in order to earn money, but for children, what parents do for him is not to make money, but to be by his side and respond to "Mom and Dad are there" when it is important.
Get along with children more, observe children carefully, and some parenting intuition will naturally be practiced. For example, children do not cry and laugh for no reason: they will cry when they are hungry or wet in diapers, and they will smile when they are in a good mood... Just observe your child carefully, and your child will teach you this. You feel as if your diaper is wet, so try changing into a new one and the child laughs all at once. "That's right!" In this way, little by little you will understand what your child needs.
When a child cries or laughs, and repeating these signals over and over again, he can develop intuition. If you don't look for the reason why your child is crying, but just want to stop crying, you will go in the wrong direction. If the parents make another fire, the child will cry even more. You know, once the child's parenting enters a vicious circle, it will accelerate the deterioration.
The author also mentioned to mothers that if you want your father to be involved, it is important for your mother to talk more. For example, the baby cries "wow", and after the mother changes the diaper, the baby laughs happily. If Mom could say, "Look! The baby is happy, just now because the diaper is wet. Dad could understand: "So it is." ”
Rather than having the mother do it alone in silence, it is crucial to involve the father like this. Working by yourself without saying a word, whether it is a father or a mother, it is easy to get bored, so that the meaning of raising children together is lost. "Why are you crying?" "Why are you laughing?" "Oh, that's what happened!" The two people said that understanding together, the matter of parenting will also become easier.
3. I can't help nagging my child, what should I do?
If parents want to lecture their children, they can't talk for hours. When you want to say something, wait five seconds and things will make a big difference.
The author mentions a story from Stanislavsky's "Self-cultivation of Actors" in the book -
The director asked the actor to take a few steps, but kept saying next to him, "Do you think there are people who walk like that?" "Master the center of gravity!" "Eyes looking in the direction you are going!" As a result, the actor was blinded and would not leave at all.
Parenting is the same, if parents are just indifferent on the side, the child will definitely not be able to stand it. In fact, as long as you wait for a while, the child will definitely make interesting moves, and maybe they will say something coldly.
It takes a long time from the beginning of the mouth to the end of the heart. By constantly experiencing this process, you can gradually improve your ability to wait patiently. Because parents will gradually understand, and after a while, the child will tell the truth. It is important not to lecture unilaterally, but to maintain an "open" attitude in front of the child.
4. What is the key to preschool education?
The author believes that for children before the age of six, it is most meaningful to be able to play freely, do what they like, and experience various emotions than to study.
The author mentioned that many parents are now too short-sighted, allowing their children to study and attend classes at a very young age, in fact, just to reassure themselves. Because it is difficult to reassure yourself by relying on what the eyes cannot see, I have to pay attention to what the eyes can see to gain peace of mind. Parents force their children to put in a lot of effort in order to reassure themselves. How hard it is for children who are not yet interested in words and numbers! And the price of this forced child will one day.
Many parents rush to let their children learn arithmetic or literacy before they enter school, although the children do learn some knowledge early, but they do not take advantage of too much. Maybe if you learn it early, you will seem very capable when you first enter the school, but this gap is caught up by others in almost a year. From the perspective of a child's life, it hardly makes sense.
When considering preschool education, it is easy to misunderstand that there are always successful examples. Some people with rare talents have achieved success because of preschool education. But parents who look at that particular example and think that "my children can too" are not child-centered, but self-centered. Some children are very gifted and have received preschool education, which seems very happy to outsiders, but it is very painful for him. There are also children who hate their parents and even commit suicide because of this. If you look at the people around you, you will understand that being a little good in some aspects and doing better than others is not necessarily a guarantee of happiness.
Some children develop slower, and some children develop faster, which is normal. Some children develop more slowly at first, but may catch up at once. But if before he catches up, the parents think that "this child is really useless", it is likely to destroy the possibility of the child catching up.
5. My child is being bullied at school, how should I deal with it?
The problem of children being bullied involves many relevant people, and even sometimes causes the tragedy of the bullying student committing suicide, so the matter is more serious. At this time, parents need to calm judgment and resolute action, because their children's lives may be threatened, so they must protect their children.
When you know that your child is being bullied at school, you must decide who to talk to and how. Do you go to the parents of the bullying children, or do you go to the teachers? At the same time, the attitude must be firm and tough. Neither can you get carried away by anger and come to the door and scold loudly, nor can you say vaguely to avoid the other person being angry. In the face of teachers, each other's children and parents, it is necessary to clearly explain the facts with a resolute and uncompromising attitude. And after speaking, also consider the reaction and attitude of the other party.
Some parents, when they hear that their children are being bullied, are at a loss, or angry, and even vent this anger at their children, angry at their children: "It's all to blame for your uselessness!" "And what makes parents even more uncomfortable is that children are bullied but do not tell themselves." So when the child says it to himself, be sure to first say, "I'm glad you can say it", and then listen carefully to what happened and figure out the situation. It is important to understand the situation before making the corresponding decision.
Some people say "I know" halfway through the child's speech, and angrily go to others to ask for guilt. However, because he only listened to half of the words, he was speechless when questioned and counterattacked, but made the situation more and more difficult to deal with. In short, listen carefully to what the child has to say, which is the first thing.
The opposite can happen, such as when someone suddenly comes to the door and says, "Your child is bullying my child." "At times like these, I think the most important thing is to have a calm conversation without rushing. Don't yell angrily: "It's not that kind of thing, what do you say!" After calmly discussing and discussing, the two sides can basically reach an agreement, "So it is, then do it", so as to find a solution.
Whether it is a child who bullies others or a child who is bullied, when getting rid of bullying, you need to "connect your heart to heart". Especially when a child being bullied is seeking help, this connection is as important as a lifeline. How do you connect yourself and your children? It is important to start thinking about this from normal times.
6. What should I aim for raising children?
On this issue, the author believes that the goal is to raise people who "can live their own lives."
Parents must teach their children the cruelty of independent responsibility in life. But the most important thing when teaching children to take responsibility is not to think of self-reliance and dependence as completely opposites. Self-reliance without dependence should be called isolation, because human relations have been broken. It is those who can rely appropriately on others that learn to stand on their own, and it is not an exaggeration to say that appropriate dependence is the support and guarantee of self-reliance. "Self-reliance" is actually a brand new relationship established between parents and children.
Usually society thinks that "failure = denial", but the family should be a place where even if there is failure, it will not demean the children. Family members will say, "Come on next time!" "You're okay!" "Failure" is not immediately equated with "negation". Not to lower the evaluation of children because of their failures, this is the family.
However, it is necessary for both parents and children to recognize the fact of failure and say, "This is not a failure!" "It's not a big deal!" It's just self-deception. Whether it is failure or success, it is already a remarkable thing that the child "exists" here. If you can constantly affirm the "existence" of the child, then in the future, the child will grow up and will not fall into self-loathing even if he encounters difficulties.
The most important thing to love is to affirm the personality of the other person. But it is very difficult to love each other while affirming the autonomy and personality of the other person. In fact, there are many people who forget that the other party is a living person with autonomy, thinking that loving each other like a doll is love. Children's happiness is created and constructed by themselves. Some parents do not focus on the happiness of their children, believing that they can only feel at ease by putting their children in what they think is a "happy state", but this is just self-righteousness. True happiness is to let children "live their own lives".
I hope these suggestions are enlightening for parents! There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, but there is perfect love!
The author of this article | Du Xiaozhuan (always believe in the power of reading and writing, keep it, and the flowers will bloom)