First identification:
After the child is born, the biological sex is clear at a glance, but the psychological gender also needs a complex identification process. From the age of 2 to 6, the child will gradually complete the positioning of psychological gender through the three identifications of father and mother.
There is a theory that children are psychologically gender-neutral before the age of 2. This statement is not accurate. Usually, after the birth of the child, he spends time with his mother almost every day, smells his mother's smell, touches his mother's skin, listens to his mother's voice, and will agree with his mother very much. Therefore, whether boys or girls, their psychological gender is female until the age of 2. That is to say, the child's first psychological gender identity is aimed at the mother.
If you want your child to successfully complete the first identification with the mother, the mother needs to have certain characteristics. For the child at this time, the mother's IQ and appearance do not have any meaning, she just needs a real and vivid person, the flesh is soft, fragrant, soft enough.
Growing up to about 2 years old, children are already familiar with their mothers. Driven by curiosity, he began to take an interest in another person in the family: this person's voice was thicker than his mother's, his flesh was harder than his mother's, his feet were smellier than his mother's, and his beard was straight. Play games with him, scary and exciting, and he talks very specially, not as gentle as his mother, who always says "eat and sleep", and he says "look at this virtue", "small sample" and so on.
This guy is called "Daddy."
Under the physiological action, the little boy followed his father to climb the ladder and tease the birds and scare the dog, which was really interesting! Although the little girl is not as naughty as the little boy, she is not willing to show weakness. There was a little girl who forced her father to change shoes with her every night, and her father's feet were too big to be tucked into his daughter's shoes and dragged. There is also a little girl who has to have the "same style" leg hair as her father, which makes her father cry and laugh.
This is the child's second psychological gender identity, and the object is the father.
In the second identification, the image of the father is actually processed by the child and is not real. A child solemnly said to the teacher in kindergarten, "My dad is super perfect, and the only drawback is that he grew too tall!" "This is a child's greatest identification with his father. As for how tall his father is, the teacher can only say "huh" after seeing it.
Second Identification:
A child's second psychological gender identity is usually accompanied by separation from the mother.
At this time, the mother will be unhappy: "The son I took a few years to bring out, was abducted by his father at once." Now, grandpa and son don't want to take me out. Once, I said tentatively, 'Then I won't go.' Unexpectedly, the son immediately said, 'Good! Suddenly, a complex emotion arises, and the loss is mixed with jealousy..."
In fact, the mother does not have to be jealous, and the child and the father have a good relationship, indicating that the mother has completed her first stage of the task well. When the child and the mother are separated, they feel sorry and uneasy: my mother took care of me for more than two years, but I turned around and played with my father, which seemed a little uninteresting. But can Dad take care of me like Mom?
Although the heart is not supported, the child still cannot resist the attraction of the father. He and his father got closer and closer, and suddenly looked back, and for the first time, he found the difference between his father and mother.
For example, he fell, and his mother saw it and rushed to him: "Does the baby hurt?" Mom hugged and kneaded. Next time jog a little bit! ”
And Dad sat at the dinner table and didn't bother to get up: "Get up, fart big things and cry!" Who do you blame yourself? ”
Comparing the two, the child gradually recognizes psychologically what is masculine and what is feminine. At this time, he remembered his mother's gentleness when he was with his mother before, because she was a woman! And Dad grinned widely, because he was a man!
The child suddenly realized.
If the second psychological gender identity goes wrong, the little boy will suffer a big loss. But now this has become a common phenomenon: the little boy grew up surrounded by his mother, grandmother, grandmother, female nanny, and female teacher, and the result is a more "mother" personality. In fact, this is not the child's fault, it is caused by the lack of the role of the father.
Therefore, the sooner the father is involved in the child's parenting process, the better, no later than the child is 2 years old. If there is a male treasure in the family, the role of the father is more important. Otherwise, when the father earns enough money and treats the official as a big one, he remembers to accompany the child, and the child has long missed the best time for psychological gender identity.
Third Identification:
After having a clearer understanding of men and women, children have a third identification with psychological gender.
The boy understands that he and his father are together, so the psychology and physiology begin to be harmonious and unified, and from then on, they follow their father and run wildly in the direction of men.
The relationship between the girl and her father is super good, and she was also ready to run with her father, but when she ran, she found that something was wrong, I was a woman, my father was a man, I didn't want to play a war game, I was covered in sweat and smelly. I want to be like my mother, I want to carry the doll through the house, clean and beautiful.
As a result, the girl and her father parted ways and became close to her mother again.
Although she ran blindly with her father for a while, the girl was also very rewarding, she knew how men think and act, laying the foundation for her future choice of lovers.
Back with her mom, the girl found out: Wow, mom has a lot of things she likes! She has a lot of bottles and cans that emit aromas, and these things can make her lips red and her face white. She also has a lot of beautiful clothes, shoes and jewelry... The mother's speech and demeanor also make the girl feel in tune: always sentimental, watch Korean dramas with paper towels; Loved the phone porridge...
The girl's third psychological gender identity, although the same as the first time, is to the mother, but the focus is different. The first time was to identify with Mom as a gentle and nice person, and the third time was to identify with Mom as an attractive woman.
Through three identifications, boys develop into males who are consistent inside and outside, and girls develop into women who are consistent in appearance, and when they grow up, they are attracted to each other according to the laws of nature.
Although theoretically so, not every child will be able to successfully complete the third identification. Because the girl's third identification is mainly to identify with the feminine characteristics of the mother, the mother must have a distinct feminine characteristics, and the girl has the goal of identification.
With the progress of society and the development of civilization, the social division of labor is becoming more and more blurred, and there is no big difference between women and men in ability and income. Men and women are the same in the workplace, but back home, how does mom highlight her femininity?
The picture book "My Mother" clearly tells us what is true femininity in the eyes of children.
The mother in the book loves to cook, love makeup, love shopping, love to sing, love to dance, love to plant flowers, love to make children happy, her life is rich and colorful. She is as beautiful as a butterfly, as soft as a sofa, as gentle as a kitten, making the child feel warm and comfortable. Even if it sometimes shows rhino-like toughness, the sharp horns of the rhinoceros are also tied with a bow; Even though she is an astronaut, she is still wearing a floral spacesuit; Even if she is the big boss, she still wears a floral tie; Even though she is Superman, she is still wearing a cloak of flowers.
This is the feminine mom. Such a mother is at home, the color of the home is bright, the taste is fragrant. Girls who grow up in such families will be proud to be women, and when they grow up, they will definitely become good mothers.
If her mother is always fighting for the first place in the workplace, and when she returns home, she has no doubt about it, does not touch the pots and pans, stays away from chai rice oil and salt, does not understand flowers and plants, and hates warblers and swallows, she will lose her feminine taste. If the mother only cares about the child's grades, homework, interest classes, and cram classes, and only moves her reason and does not move her feelings, she will not be able to present her femininity to the child.
Such a mother-raised daughter may grow up with a high IQ, high education, high income, and high position, but it is difficult to accept her femininity, especially when she must face the physiological cycle, love, marriage, and childbirth as a woman, and the physical and psychological incongruity will produce a huge conflict, bringing her endless troubles and even paying a tragic price. In this regard, mothers must be vigilant and prevent problems before they occur.
END
Author: Xiling
Edit: Yang Zi
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