Who does the child sleep with? How to establish a good parent-child attachment relationship?

Young people are busy with work, and it is common to give their children to their grandparents or grandparents to bring, but many mothers find that their children are not kissing themselves, and they do not want their mothers to hold them. Why?

What is attachment?

Attachment refers to the initial social-emotional connection between the infant and the primary caregiver, which is established through close emotional communication between the infant and the caregiver. Attachment generally refers to the baby's attachment to the mother, which is manifested as: the baby likes to stay with the mother; Separation from the mother can make the baby feel anxious; When babies are in an unfamiliar environment or feel fear, anxiety, or pain, the first reaction is often to look for the mother; Babies get the greatest sense of security and comfort from their mothers.

Whether or not an infant forms attachment to the mother and the nature of the attachment directly affects the child's emotional feelings, prosocial behavior, personality traits, and basic attitudes towards interpersonal interactions.

The type of attachment

Psychologists divide attachment into three types:

• Secure attachment: These babies don't need to snuggle up next to their mother all the time, the mother can give the baby a sense of security as long as she is present, they will play with toys not far from the mother, most of the time looking at the mother with their eyes or smiling at the mother, occasionally close to the mother. When separated from the mother, the baby will show a certain anxiety and want to find the mother, but when the mother returns to them, the situation is quickly alleviated.

• Avoidant attachment: this type of baby does not form a particularly close emotional connection with the mother, they do not care whether the mother is present, and when the mother leaves, they will not show great anxiety; When their mothers returned, they tended to ignore them and just focus on their own business. Therefore, this type of baby is also called an attachmentless baby.

• Rebellious attachment: Also known as ambivalent attachment or anxious attachment, it means that the baby's attitude toward the mother is very contradictory. They both crave contact with their mothers and are very resistant to it. For example, when the mother leaves, they will show extreme resistance, but at the same time they will refuse the mother's hug, but they are not willing to play by themselves, and they will peek at the mother from time to time.

Among them, secure attachment is good, positive attachment; Avoidant and rebellious attachment, also known as insecure attachment, is a negative, bad attachment. Studies have shown that the attachment type to the mother is therefore both stable and variable, especially when the family environment changes greatly, and the transition between different attachment types occurs.

The development of attachment is divided into four stages:

• Undifferentiated stage of social response: Babies aged 0-3 months are generally at this stage, and they react the same to anyone, without favoring anyone.
• There are different stages of social response: Babies aged 3-6 months react differently to different people, for example, they react very differently to familiar people and strangers.
• Special emotional connection stage: After 6 months, babies begin to show obvious attachment to their mothers, like to stay with their mothers, and the mother will be anxious and crying once she leaves.
• Goal-adjusted partnership stage: Babies after the age of 2 begin to treat their mothers as partners, recognize that their mothers also have their own needs and desires, and do not show anxiety when their mothers leave for a short time.

What effects does attachment have on later psychological development?

• Affecting a child's mental health in the future: Attachment can affect a child into adolescence and even adulthood. Children with secure attachment tend to be stronger in terms of social skills and self-resilience, and are healthier in terms of personality and social development, while children with insecure attachment are significantly higher than children with problematic behaviors. In addition, attachment types can also affect the child's later relationships, as well as intimate relationships. For example, children with insecure attachment generally have lower quality marriages in adulthood.

• Attachment is transitive: The type of attachment a baby affects the child's relationship with the upbringing of his or her own child as an adult. For example, if babies form a secure attachment with their parents early on, it is easier for them to form a secure attachment with their children after they become parents, and conversely, if infants form insecure attachments with their parents in the early stages, they will also form insecure attachments with their children later on.

What are the factors that affect attachment?

• Quality of support. Being acutely aware of the child's need signals and responding in a timely manner is key to evaluating the quality of support. Some caregivers are not very sensitive to the baby's need signals, some do not properly understand these need signals, and some are aware but do not respond in time, which is not conducive to building a healthy attachment relationship.

• The characteristics of the child himself. Attachment is a two-way relationship, and the temperament characteristics of the baby, physical health and external physical characteristics will affect the development of attachment. Some babies are irritable, easy to cry, and the caregiver is also very difficult to take care of, and some people will have resistance to such babies, and attachment relationships are naturally difficult to establish.

How do you build healthy parent-child attachment?

• High-quality companionship. Companionship is not just about staying with the child, but about interacting with the child, and companionship is not about the length of time, but about really participating in the child's activities. For example, playing games, learning, chatting, etc. with children, so that it is conducive to establishing a good parent-child relationship, do not just sit next to your child and play mobile phones.
• Improve the quality of support. The quality of parenting is one of the factors that affect the type of attachment, and parents should be able to be keenly aware of the needs of young children and meet them in a timely manner. This need includes both physical and psychological needs. Psychological needs mainly refer to the emotional needs of young children for parental attention, love, care, etc., which are precisely what many caregivers tend to ignore. In order to establish a good attachment relationship with the child, it is necessary to pay attention to the physical and psychological needs of the baby at the same time, and give the baby comfort in time.
• Seize the critical period of attachment formation. Babies react differently to mothers and strangers around 3-6 months. Infancy and early childhood is a critical period for forming attachment types, and the caregiver can grasp this period of contact with the child and can do more with less.

A good parent-child attachment relationship can make children feel more secure and trust their parents more. This sense of security allows children to overcome anxiety or fear in unfamiliar environments, explore new things around them, and try to be close to strangers, so as to achieve cognitive growth. Parents should grasp the critical period of attachment formation, master scientific parenting methods, and establish safe attachment.