When it comes to raising boys, mothers really have too much anxiety and worry to talk about.
"My son is too skinny, I lost a third of my hair!"
"My son, Tai Wenjing, likes to be clingy, and is always worried about whether he can grow into an independent and responsible man."
"On a business trip, I threw the baby to his father for two days, and the more I took it, the more noisy it became, and I felt that the whole family was a "villain" of me. ”
Why are boys so hard to carry?
The main reason for this is that boys and girls are physiologically different in their own right, and the female brain secretes more serotonin than men, allowing them to sit down and make fewer impulsive decisions. Men secrete relatively little serotonin, and as a neurotransmitter that controls impulses, serotonin can suppress the aggressive effects of testosterone. Natural wildness makes it possible for every boy to go through a "period of rebellion."
In addition, men and women also have deeper differences in brain chemistry. In boys, they always have unique brain circuits that parents need to understand and take corresponding countermeasures.
Plato said, "Of all animals, boys are the most difficult to tame, for they have not yet been able to regulate the source of reason in them." ”
Therefore, parents must not use the same method of raising their sons and daughters, but use scientific methods to raise excellent sons as much as possible.
Two well-known American educators, Stephen James and David Thomas, wrote this book "Ambition Parenting", which not only tells us that boys and girls have different parenting methods, but also deeply analyzes how to make boys grow up to become a responsible man without losing their nature.
01 Give him companionship, not control
British writer G.K. Chesterton said: "The boyhood stage is the most complex and incomprehensible, and even if one has experienced it, one cannot understand why it was done at that time." ”
Some people think that boys can be free-ranged, rough- and poor- but in fact raising excellent boys is an art that requires not only skills but also creativity, and it is not possible to constrain and cultivate success with "you can do" and "you can't do".
"Wild Parenting" divides raising boys into 5 stages, which are not only important but also difficult.
In the first stage, when the boy had just learned to walk and talk, he was curious about everything, even the boiling water and scissors in his parents' hands.
In the second stage, the boy begins his studies, and he realizes that others will not meet all his needs, and others are different from him.
In the third stage, the more friends he knew, the more he wanted to make his own decisions and yearn for life when he grew up.
In the fourth stage, 12-18 years old adolescence, the boy could not control his emotions and began to think, "Who am I?" What should I do? ”
In the fifth stage, when 18-22 years old enter society, boys will try a lot of things they wanted to do in the past and find that their parents can't solve everything.
In "My Sister", the heroine's boyfriend Zhao Ming is a mother treasure man, because he was spoiled by his family since he was a child, he was used to listening to his mother's arrangement, and there is a mantra "My mother said".
The first time I met my parents, Zhao Ming's parents proposed a plan for the two to get married and have children, and even the marriage room and the child's baby room were ready, which shows that Zhao Ming was still so dependent on his parents in his twenties, which is too normal.
In the face of such a Zhao Ming family, safely and decisively leaving her boyfriend, Zhao Ming shed tears of regret, but will his parents regret the excessive control of their son?
We don't know what will happen to Zhao Tomorrow, who has become a habit of relying on his parents, but we can see the evil consequences of not developing the habit of independence and autonomy from childhood, which is caused by the chaotic parents from the third stage.
There is no stage that is not important, but it is not as difficult as we think, discipline with boundaries trumps meticulous control, and parents need to provide companionship instead of treating their children with "I'm all for your own good."
When he is confused, his parents of course want to help him, but only advice, not coercion, so that the boy can grow into a man who stands tall in the sky.
02 The most important thing is learning, not academic performance
If you want to be a better adult, you can't help but study seriously, but what is the purpose of learning, many parents are mistaken.
The trend of the future era is that technology is more and more developed, and AI technology will become more and more mature, people need to learn more ways to use things, and flexible thinking, can change with the times.
However, most parents put the way to raise their children is to hope that Jackie Chan has enrolled countless training classes for him, but how much is really useful after growing up? In particular, the results of a test paper are increasingly not representative of the child's future.
For most boys, learning is less friendly, after all, boys are so active, they like to learn what they remember with their bodies rather than with books.
Therefore, boys mostly like sports and games, and are willing to spend a lot of time to achieve a good result, quietly learning something they can not insist on, but does this mean that he can not become a talent?
Of course not, in the words of the teacher, there is a "learning to open up", but even if the boy is not enlightened for a lifetime, this diverse world, he can still achieve success in the field of sports and games, and can also win glory for the family and the country.
It can be seen that the boy is not good at book knowledge, does not mean that he is not good at learning, and parents should cultivate the learning ability for their children, not academic performance, without the test paper can also survive in society, is the future society needs the talent.
On Children's Day, a friend who was doing interest training told me, "Obviously it is a children's holiday, but the children walked into the training class with a sad face..."
Yes, that night I also heard a few middle-aged men and women drinking and boxing downstairs, and the June 1 holiday did not let the children rest and be happy, but participated in more training, and the double reduction only reduced a loneliness.
I want him to be omnipotent, but he can't do it, but it's not so difficult for him to see the wider world and have a more flexible way of thinking.
Getting a good result does not mean that the future will definitely become a person, the brain is not flexible enough, people are called nerds, and the future is more likely to become a tool person.
03 Don't blindly protect, you just need to provide support
Every baby is born a little angel, but when he grows up, is it a mother or a man? It all depends on how parents guide you.
When children are young, they need the protection of their parents, but sooner or later children have to face the world alone, especially boys, and social trends have more requirements and pressures on them in the future.
There is a boy wearing a skirt in "Strange Story", when the public thinks that boys should not wear skirts, his parents support him, and the boy who grows up has become a costume designer, able to use various elements freely and boldly, and the design is eye-catching.
And last year, another kindergarten boy who wore a skirt wanted to wear a skirt, his parents also supported him, although he was ridiculed by some teachers and classmates, but his parents told him, "As long as you don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others, you have the courage to be yourself, which is very rare!" ”
Some parents can't get along with their children, no matter what they can't reach a consensus with their children, no matter what the children do, as long as they don't meet the parents' instructions, immediately criticize, which will cause two results.
One is that the child learns to remain silent from now on, and will not discuss anything with his parents in the future, but secretly implement it himself, even if he runs into trouble, his parents are the last to know.
The other is that the child must oppose everything, even if he knows that his parents are right about something, and such a "rebellious period" may even last until he is thirty or forty years old.
In fact, letting go of children can start from an early age, from what to eat and what clothes to wear for a meal, to what training classes to apply for and what school to take.
Parents like to say "he doesn't understand, I am all good for him", but when parents express their love and concern for their children, instead of letting family affection become shackles, children are not unreasonable, and they will not oppose everything.
In the process of growing up, parents appropriately let him try, but it is not completely ignored, but the rules provided for the child.
Free action, must be within the rules, this is a kind of protection, if the child is messed up, the parents give him a mess, this is a kind of support.
Don't hide from him to clean up the mess, he always knows that if he does something wrong, he must correct it, and his parents will lead by example, it is better than being educated by society in the future.
Protection and support are indispensable, control and control must be appropriate, and infinite love draws boundaries for children, so that children have unlimited possibilities for the future.
Write at the end
Raising a child is a problem for parents, but also a problem for the whole society, because children do not belong to their parents and sooner or later they will have to create their own future.
We accompany him for a while, but we can't help him walk; We tell him to learn more, but we can't guarantee what kind of person he will become; We tell him the rules of the world, but we can't see the world for him.
Parenting is not only parenting, but also the process of parenting so that we can learn to grow ourselves, but also let the child become the person he wants to be, and the future can create his trajectory in the world!
If you also have a boy in your family, you may wish to check out this "Wild Parenting", intimate companionship, reasonable freedom, unlimited support, all three in one, so that he has a better future.
【Early morning parents recommended】Wild parenting from boy to manhood cultivation road family education psychology ¥49 purchase
THE END
Author: Qingyu Dan, a literary and artistic young woman who loves music and loves to read.
#Raising Boys ##好书推荐 #