Mom gave me a "no-list"
□ River Cherry Blossom
Mom clearly put forward the "minefield" that she did not want, which can effectively prevent us from falling into the pit every time we make a choice.
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Every year before the arrival of important days such as Mom's Birthday, Women's Day, and Mother's Day, when other friends are thinking of a "must-buy list" to send to my mother, I always look different. Because, my mother first gave me a "no list".
"The big paparazzi you bought last year, don't take the whole one, it's too much space, and it makes me very anxious to clean it up."
"The multi-functional pot you bought blindly before is too wasteful, me and your dad usually can't use it for cooking, and the kitchen is fully equipped."
In my family, my mother's outspoken and "ruthless" people will not fall down for ten thousand years. This is very good, she clearly put forward the "minefield" that she does not want, which can effectively avoid falling into the pit every time we make a choice.
At the same time, my mom rarely offered her favorite gift. On the one hand, she, like many mothers, really doesn't care much about the "sense of ceremony" of her children's gifts. On the other hand, my mother in life is a pursuit of "fun" and live, a positive attitude towards life, usually see the things you like is not entangled, directly order to own; once interested in delicious restaurants, fun travel destinations, she will also be in time to fully experience, live comfortably without screwing.
Therefore, in the face of such an independent and sunny mother, choosing gifts is indeed a technical difficulty. After all, I need to work harder to explore her deep "spiritual needs" than the material that is easy to obtain.
This "exploration" was not easy, and I accidentally "unlocked" some new experiences. In recent years, because of the epidemic, I have hardly had the opportunity to return to my hometown, and it is not convenient for my mother to come to see me. On the eve of Mother's Day this year, for the first time, I felt strongly that when a mother pays attention to the recent situation of her children, her "sense of synchronization" is far stronger than the "sense of comprehensiveness".
For example, in the first quarter of this year, I was extra busy at work, talking on the phone with my mom and spending most of my time talking about recent work projects. Every time I called, I quickly completed the process of "writing a weekly report + doing prediction", and very seriously "swept through" the new dynamics, thinking that my mother had 100% of the information "dry goods".
One day, when I was showing my mother a video of my newly purchased electrical appliances, my mother at the end of the mobile phone video suddenly exclaimed: "This epidemic has lasted for a long time, and I am unfamiliar with the space in your home." ”
It occurred to me that every time my mother came to my house, she always went out of her way to appreciate the subtle arrangements and asked me with great interest the story behind each decoration. For her, the spatial structure of the home is not the existence of physical significance, but the "story field" condensed with warmth and human taste. Knowing these stories can lead to a sense of familiarity.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, my mother is looking forward to seeing a daughter who is still living a sunny and powerful life and pursuing self-meaning, and is also looking forward to listening to me "synchronize" at any time to share the new stories of the time left in my family in the flow of the four seasons.
The happiness contained in this "sense of synchronization" is also reflected in the display and "collision" of each other's interests and hobbies.
A few years ago, on my mother's birthday, I gave her a tablet, but she said she wasn't used to watching drama on a small screen. Recently, my mother wanted to watch two of my Amway web dramas, so she used my account to log in to watch the drama.
I found that she maintained the rhythm of one episode a day, so I mentioned it during the call: "Ah, did you brush up to the seventh episode of that web series?" This sentence made my mother come to be interested, and she opened the conversation box and talked endlessly for a long time.
My mother, who was used to watching dramas at home and only "complaining" with my father in real time, instantly turned on the "synchronous drama chasing + verbal barrage" mode with me. She also jokingly asked me: "Is this what you young people often call 'cloud cinema' and 'cloud party'?" ”
From this, I think this idea is very feasible. In the days when I was cut off from the line by the epidemic, I still want my mother to feel the joy of "synchronous reunion"! For example, when I usually go out to walk my dog, walk in the green, punch in an interesting small shop, and brush the drama to watch movies, I can completely let my mother get a "sense of presence" and "sense of participation" at the same time, rather than "lagging make-up lessons" and "dry reports".
As I grew older and the personal and social contact continued to expand, I gradually understood that the "expression" you directly received could not be used as the only basis for dealing with interpersonal relationships, especially in the "intimate relationship field", if you rely too much on "superficial information", it is easy to cover up each other's real spiritual needs and "gaps".
Young people like me, who are far away from home and have started a family in a big city, rely entirely on video calls and WeChat messages to keep in touch with their mothers on weekdays. The emotional needs of mothers for their children are often hidden in seemingly casual words in an incomparably low-key, euphemistic, and bleak way. If you don't pay attention, you can't hear clearly and you can't see.
For me, sending blessings to my mother every Mother's Day is not only a process of exploring her spiritual needs, but also a process of "following" my mother's life coordinates with her own growth scale. When you were a child, you thought that a gift represented the meaning of a festival. But when you grow up, you will know that this is the beginning of your closer to another heart.
Show love remotely, have you suddenly fulfilled your filial piety again?
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"Surprise filial piety" also means being busy and chaotic, as well as persistent forgetfulness and transient memories of parents.
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In the evening of the three days before Mother's Day in 2021, I opened the shopping software, entered the three words "Mother's Day", and instantly jumped out of countless "must-haves for mothers", plus the emphasis on bold "lightning delivery, gift box packaging". After sifting through the "Gift Guide", I chose a large-capacity air fryer labeled "Mom's Favorite", a highly acclaimed smart shoulder and neck massager, plus a bouquet of flowers, and hurriedly pressed the payment button.
The whole process took half an hour. At that time, I was still struggling in the ocean of graduation thesis, and I almost forgot the existence of Mother's Day, until I heard the discussion of my classmates in the cafeteria. Fortunately, the courier was still in time, and I submitted the order before the delivery deadline of the day, and it was successfully delivered on Mother's Day.
A similar scene will be experienced once or twice a year, this time it is a "card point gift" for Mother's Day, and the last time is a dense "New Year gift package" on the eve of the Spring Festival. When I brushed Weibo in my spare time, I found that there are not many young people like me: I love my parents very much, but my emotional expression is more subtle, and it is difficult to become a "close-fitting little cotton jacket" outside for many years, so I focus on my parents during the festival. One of the most typical manifestations is a large number of online shopping and "clear shopping carts", remotely using materials to convey love. This act even has a specific term - "assault filial piety".
Contemporary people prefer a sense of ceremony, and there is no filial piety gift that parents do not like their children. Mom called and said, "Oh, why did you spend so much money on us again, don't buy it next time", but I could still imagine the corner of her lips from her slightly more excited tone than usual, and the relief between the words could not be hidden.
I was full of joy and felt that the effect of "assault filial piety" was good, but reality showed me a more real side.
When I came home from the summer, I found that the air fryer, which I thought was used very frequently, had left a thick layer of ash in the corner of the cabinet, and the massager was stuffed in the depths and could not be found. Dad secretly told me that the air fryer capacity is large and time-consuming, and my mother is distressed that the electricity bill is generally not used much; the operation of the intelligent massager is too complicated, and the two "technical whites" pondered for half a day without success, and worried that I was too busy to bother me because of small things, and finally the trouble was simply put away.
But in the previous daily call, when I casually asked my mother if things were good, my mother smiled and said to me, "It's all fine." ”
I was suddenly ashamed that these impractical gifts were telling me that during that time I had not cared enough about my mother's daily life and did not understand her most real and urgent needs. Mom always habitually hid the hard side, only telling me that no matter what I received, she liked it.
This is the mother's tolerance and love for her child. But perhaps the "surprise filial piety" is because of the lack of concern for parents in ordinary times, so that they have to rely on the so-called "sense of ceremony" of the festival to save a wave, it seems that this can fully express their filial piety. There is nothing wrong with expressing love during the festival, but "sudden filial piety" also means being busy and messing up, as well as persistent forgetfulness and transient memories of parents. In fact, the love for parents should never only spend money without taking care of the heart, blindly giving gifts for the sake of greed for a moment of peace of mind.
Courtesy of Visual China
Since then, I have consciously cared more about my parents' daily routines — my mom's favorite e-books aren't enough to read, and whether my dad's Tencent meetings at home can be done. With more than half a month to go until Mother's Day this year, I no longer stuck in time to shop online, but prepared gifts in advance: after learning that my mother's comb was broken during the chat, I customized the boxwood comb with the engraved name in advance; estimated the large number of moxibustion herbal packs that should be added; and the next quarter's TV video membership card. I also put a pair of workers' cotton gloves that I accidentally got on a business trip, and although it wasn't valuable, I thought my mother would definitely wear it when she was growing vegetables.
For me, the importance of Mother's Day is still there, and the gift of love cannot be less. But to express love to your mother, you can't just rely on "surprise filial piety". Increase some more daily care, understand their real needs, and "do what they like instead of giving what they want", maybe you can really deliver the "customized version of filial piety" to your mother remotely.
What Moms Need Is Not a Gift, But "Needed"
□ White Jane
Being needed for each other is a two-way gift.
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Since leaving home from college, I have been "running away" for more than a decade. Recently moved to a new house, packed up, looking at the rental house with the feeling of "home", thinking about it, probably less than a mother, so a phone call. I vaguely felt that my mother was also waiting for this call, she packed her suitcase for going abroad that night, and the next day she went to do nucleic acid, and as soon as the report came out, she boarded the plane and went north. No need for pick-up and drop-off, and the degree of neatness does not diminish the sending me to college that year.
Since my mother arrived, my life has not been turned upside down, at least it has been thriving. Three meals a day are guaranteed, and any dish in her mouth is "very simple": the white chopped chicken is very simple, as long as it is steamed in the rice cooker; the steamed river eel is very simple, and the supermarket has it for sale; she even brought her own stainless steel tray and yellow wine walnut sesame seeds and other ingredients, and now made a batch of ejiao cake, cooled and sliced and bagged, enough for me to eat for two months.
Every morning when she got up, she saw her mother sitting on the sofa in the living room, and the morning sun pouring into the east window hung over her face, flowing with gentle light. She greeted me and asked me to eat a "simple breakfast" on the table while Knitting scarves in her hands.
I have spent a lot of energy to explore whether my mother knitting yarn is "really liked" or "for my own good", and for many children, the difficulty is equivalent to "whether my mother really likes to eat fish heads". After years of observation and research, I am convinced that my mother has a talent and pride in knitting wool. A glance at the picture can be reproduced, while watching TV while weaving does not affect the speed of the hand, when I put on her work to show off the street, she "and have honor".
After her mother returned to her hometown, the sofa position she sat on left a pit, which was a testimony of her mother sitting for two weeks and playing two scarves - in addition to the blue scarf that "prescribed the action", she also "chose" to remove an old white scarf and re-knit it, "so that it will be softer."
After completion, my mother took pictures of the two scarves and sent them to the circle of friends. Near Mother's Day, it was my mother who gave me a gift. Although the weather is starting to get hotter, I have booked the warmth of winter.
What gifts to give to parents during the New Year's Festival is a difficult problem for many young people. Especially not around the parents, everyone knows that the parents are not lacking in a specific thing, what is missing is that you are not around. At this time, the spiritual value of the gift is greater than the practical value.
For my mother, what she needs is not what her daughter can bring her, but her daughter, although she has grown up and become independent, still needs her mother. As a daughter, how to let her get a full "sense of need", and just right, beneficial to the body and mind, is a thing full of wisdom.
Some of the "feelings of need" are that mothers feel that they can still bring help to their children. The traditional craft of knitting sweaters, light physical strength, my mother also firmly believes that it can prevent Alzheimer's disease, and more importantly, in this process you need to constantly communicate with her, talk about new models and popular colors, choose buttons, and enhance communication.
Similar things are: in the video chat, my mother sometimes said with great interest, and bought what delicious, then I will take the stubble, "give me a copy", she immediately placed an order, and then waited for the courier and taught me how to eat the exchange, the time will be as long as a few days or even weeks; when I encounter some small confusion in life, how to burn the braised bamboo shoots, how to change the mint from soil to hydroponics, my mother has complete teaching from theory to practice, although these can be found on the Internet, but I am willing to talk to her.
Some of the "feelings of need" come from mothers learning new skills in modern life without having to "trouble" their children. Compared with her peers, my mother has a wealth of experience in going out, she can fly independently, can take the subway in a big city to travel smoothly, can skillfully use all the digital products and smart home appliances at home, and is an online shopping expert. When my mother used a smartphone at home to control the food and clothing of my dad and puppy, she was quite strategic and decisive.
These skills, which I first taught her home during the winter and summer vacations of college, mastered the principles, learned to learn from each other, and never fell behind. Nowadays, which e-commerce platforms are cheap to buy vegetables, and how to participate in community group buying, she is more skilled than me. Mom was not in good health, so she also learned how to make online appointments in various hospitals, and she was so reluctant to bother me.
My children are not around, and I can't change this helplessness for the time being, so I face reality and work with her to create a pleasant family atmosphere remotely. My mother doesn't need my gifts, she needs affection, and my daughter is not. Being needed for each other is a two-way gift.
"Visit" each other, eat and chat together
□ Rhinoceros
All she needs on this day is me, the only person who has the status to spend the holidays with her.
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The second Sunday in May is Mother's Day, and May 10 is my mom's birthday. Therefore, since I understood things, subconsciously, Mother's Day and my mother's birthday should be "bound" together, and I should be impressed and moved by my mother. How can this be achieved? This is also a question that I have been thinking about since I understood things, until now.
I remember when I was in elementary school, the class teacher asked my mother to go home on Mother's Day and say "Happy Mother's Day, My Mother is hard", and then said a few words of praise for my mother, and did one thing for my mother, and finally let my mother sign and write my feelings on the page of the notepad on the day. It shouldn't have been difficult, but I've never done it. I don't know if it's because boys are not good at expressing feelings, I just can't open my mouth and can't say it. My mother also understood this very well, smiled and said that she had received it, and then signed the notepad and created in detail the "glorious deeds" such as helping her buy vegetables, wash dishes, wash feet, etc. The next day, the class teacher praised me by name in front of the whole class.
When I grew older, I had my own phone and sent a blessing message to my mom early in the morning on Mother's Day, and the previous or next message was usually "Happy Birthday Mom." The day before my birthday, my mom would take me to order her birthday cake after school, choosing the style I liked. After checkout, I always "advise" the clerk to write on the cake, "Happy Birthday Mom!" "The red words are written on the cards made of white chocolate, which is my earliest and most symbolic understanding of the sense of ritual.
I tentatively asked my mom a few times how she wanted to celebrate Mother's Day and birthdays, and she always said, "It's good that you're with mom." This answer did not answer my question for a long time. Until my grandmother died, my mother cried and said to me, "Mom has no more mothers." This sentence is ordinary, but it makes me really understand something.
For a long time, I thought that Mother's Day was a mother's holiday. In fact, Mother's Day is also a holiday for all "moms" people. Because there is still one person in this world we can call her "Mom," so we have to be grateful, to celebrate, to be happy. That was the first thing I understood.
The second thing I understand is that Mother's Day is important to "who to spend with" rather than "how to spend it.". The sense of ceremony is something that both I and my family lack, and I used to think that the phrase "you and your mother are together, how to live is good" is just a "perfunctory" in my mother's words, but in fact it is a big truth from the heart. All she needs on this day is me, the only person who has the status to spend the holidays with her. And how important is it to say and do specifically on this day?
Courtesy of Visual China
However, the "traditional projects" on Mother's Day are not without. During my school days, my mother's biggest hobby was to visit the mall, not necessarily to buy, but to go upstairs and downstairs, carefully and carefully. She rarely asks people to go to the mall, and I have long been her main escort. Mother's Day is no exception, not only to accompany well, but also to actively comment and feel about each product she chooses. At the end of the day, she was happy and happy, and I was tired of "huh".
Nowadays, she rarely goes out to visit the mall, one is tired, the other is that online shopping is developed, whether it is to see or buy is much more convenient than to go in person. After having a tablet computer, "the world" seems to be under her control, the major stores are free to visit, look at the eyes at any time to place an order, not to mention repeatedly listen to the sentence "like can try it". Mom said that online shopping is really convenient, and mom also said that there is no son to accompany.
After work, I lived alone, and although I was in the same city as my mother, the number of times I saw each other was significantly reduced. When we were not busy, we would "visit each other", eat and chat with me instead of visiting the mall, and became my mother's favorite activity today. "When you were young, you often spent time with your mother..." Words like that gradually became part of our small talk. It can be seen that she is happy when she recalls the past, and she is happy with me in the present.
Companionship is the simplest gift that never goes out of style, and it will always be what moms need most. Whether it's Mother's Day, her birthday, or every most mundane day.
This Mother's Day I want to say, your love should not be too turbulent
□ Snow
It seems like a piece of clothing and a meal, but in fact, it is a different time in the past with my mother, and we don't know each other.
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My mother loved me very much, but her love for me seemed to have some more elements of making up.
There are always five or six days a week when my phone is bombarded by her. In addition to eating? Did you sleep? Busy at work? It was a picture of clothes and shoes that asked me if I liked it and if I wanted to buy it. When I got home, I could always see the various couriers she sent. I work in Beijing, and recently my parents moved from their hometown to Yanjiao, and it only takes 1.5 hours to take the bus one way, and her love is even more turbulent. Every time I return to Beijing from Yanjiao, my bag will be filled with snacks and fruits by my mother. Occasionally, when I couldn't go back from work, she would come to my place with the food she had cooked at home and fill the fridge.
She always gave for me, but I couldn't accept it. I'm 27 years old and think I can take good care of myself. How can we always enjoy what our parents have to give back to our parents? What's more, many of the things my mother brought with me really didn't like, didn't need them, and gave them up.
Friends say it's "a happy annoyance," but I still want to take advantage of this year's Mother's Day and have a good talk with her. I made a list of my preferences in detail: love apples and strawberries, do not love hazelnut grapes; suitable for wearing long skirts, not suitable for short tops; used to wash their hair in the morning, walking like stepping on square bricks of the same color... At the same time, I also prepared a growth resume, listing nearly ten interesting things that impressed me. I plan to give this to my mother during the conversation and reintroduce my growth and life with her.
Some people think that this is redundant, how can the mother not even know the child's living habits? But I think that's incredibly important.
The memory of living with my parents stayed in the sixth grade of elementary school, and after the sixth grade, I was sent to Daqing, Heilongjiang Province, to study. My hometown is a remote mountainous area in the same province, Daxing'anling, and the educational resources are not good. Sending children to study abroad was a common choice for local families in those years.
At that time, from Daxing'anling to Daqing, it took nearly 10 hours by train. I can only return to my hometown every year during the winter and summer vacations to reunite with my parents. Although they have not been around for a long time, I still have a very happy life, and my mother regrets it. She once said that it felt like we were no longer as close to each other as we used to be. She wanted to be doubly nice to me and make up for the missing love.
The same time, the same pattern of getting along, why do we feel so differently? Perhaps the lack of communication is an important reason. Or because of the separation of the two places, the intersection of life has become less; or because the generation gap has deepened, I rarely share the trivialities of life with them anymore. My mother only heard me say "very good" and "it's okay", but she couldn't really feel my growth and happiness.
List preferences, write growth resumes, not cold words and questions. What I want to do is actually to use this most intuitive way to let her enter my life more. In fact, what are the "happiness troubles"? The so-called things I don't like and don't need are things I've mentioned and liked. It's just that time has passed, or my preferences have changed, and even I have forgotten those things, but my mother has remembered them in my heart. They look like clothes and meals, but they are actually different times in the past with my mother, and we don't know each other.
I want my mother to see my changes, and I want to tell my mother that I am no longer the little friend who needs to be taken care of by adults before, and I can live independently very well. I wanted her to know that I was grateful to her for giving me the opportunity to get a better education. I never thought my mom owed anything to me, that she didn't need to make up for it, and that she didn't have to love so much.
At the same time, I also want to hear my mother talk about her joys and sorrows, and share her changes and needs.
Most importantly, let us both know that I love her and she loves me.
Precisely make the mother happy? You need to do these five things well
□ Huang Binbin
We can use five "happy hormones": dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and cortisol to precisely make mothers spend a happy Mother's Day.
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Children of all ages may be wondering lately: What do mothers want to receive on Mother's Day? What gifts can make a mother happy? How to celebrate Mother's Day and make it a good memory?
In fact, it is not difficult to achieve the above goals, you just need to do five points. We can use the 5 "happy hormones" summarized in the field of neuroscience that can enhance personal happiness and vitality: dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and cortisol to accurately let mothers spend a happy Mother's Day.
Dopamine is a "reward hormone," a reward that the brain gives to us for discovering something new. Dopamine is released whenever we encounter something new, exciting, or challenged to accomplish a goal. We can take our mother to a restaurant she's never been to, watch a new movie with her, or introduce her to a new technology, a new method, that can promote the release of dopamine and make her happy.
Oxytocin, also known as "hugging hormones", any act involving touch, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, patting the shoulder, breastfeeding, can stimulate the release of oxytocin, making people feel safe, warm, and trusted. If you want to improve your mother's oxytocin level, you need to have more physical contact with her, such as hugging your mother, hugging can really create miracles!
Endorphins are a "natural painkiller" and what makes exercise happy, releasing this hormone when we are active or exercising. Accompanying the mother to "physical" activities that suit her level of health, such as walking, gardening, square dancing, yoga, etc., can make the mother feel positive and energetic.
Serotonin, also known as "serotonin," is a neurotransmitter that surges when we connect with others, do something meaningful, and feel satisfied and proud of ourselves, regulating mood, appetite, and drowsiness. There are many ways to increase the mother's serotonin level, which can be more contact, including meeting, calling, and messaging, that is, maintaining a stable contact frequency; you can also take the mother to participate in some meaningful activities, such as volunteer activities; you can also carry out some creative activities with the mother, such as painting together, doing crafts, etc.
Cortisol is a hormone that is released when we feel stressed, and in the long run, too high cortisol can seriously damage the body's health. As we age, we become more sensitive to cortisol, so we help our mother manage her cortisol levels. We can find ways to reduce the pressure of the mother, such as sharing the mother's housework, being kind to others, sharing our achievements and joys with the mother, and making the mother feel at ease and proud of us, all of which help to reduce the pressure of the mother.
The way to celebrate Mother's Day is not only to send carnations, write greeting cards and send red envelopes, we can use the conclusions of neuroscience research to scientifically and accurately send a non-complicated gift - to help mothers manage the five "happy hormones". This gift can not only be used on Mother's Day, but also for every day after that, with our practical actions to thank the mother's love that does not need to be asked for or returned, so that the mother can feel the love - a love as good as warm milk and sweet honey, so that the mother can experience lasting happiness.
Source: China Youth Daily client