"My dad pulled me in and slapped me directly. I was confused and didn't know why I was beaten. ”
Even after many years, the 25-year-old girl still cries when she talks about "domestic violence".
A year ago, the prince came to Beijing alone and entered a large Internet factory to work as an operation. This Sichuan girl is young, independent, and has ideas, but her face still seems to have that slap mark, always reminding her:
"Never rely on someone else."
Tonight, the prince has just moved out of the house, which is the first "home" she has left her original family.
Today is April 30, a joke of the "International Day of Not Hitting Children", but for those children who have been beaten, the experience of domestic violence can never be laughed off.
It has been almost a year since the prince came to Beijing.
When she first arrived, she came alone with a suitcase, a book and a backpack to the capital, a place where she thought of a great collection of powerful people and culture.
Now she is another person, skillfully packing and packing things, carrying a shelf in one hand and helping the mover with the box with the other.
"I had a friend say it two or three times and said I'd come over and help you move, but I refused, and I said no."
This is the prince's father's request to her since childhood, she must be independent, and what she can do, she does not have to find someone else, because human feelings are the most difficult to repay.
When she was a child, her father often said, "I won't care about you when you become an adult." So when she grew up, she went to Shenzhen to say hello to her parents and went on her own. Last year, she came to Beijing from Shenzhen, and even after she settled down, her father learned about it.
"He said why did you go to Beijing again, I said that Beijing has a relatively good opportunity for development, he said yes, but he didn't say anything."
The day she came to Beijing, she went to climb the Great Wall alone, set off at twelve o'clock at noon, passed through Desheng Gate, and fought with a mother and daughter to climb the Great Wall, and later she went to visit the Yuanmingyuan alone.
"What I want to do, if I can do it alone, I do it. If I have friends with me, of course it's happier, I don't insist on it. ”
So she doesn't think it's a difficult thing to move alone.
In fact, this time she moved, she still has a lot of things, just the winter clothes accounted for three boxes, after coming to Beijing to buy books are also filled with a large box, there is a large stack of "small pictures".
The prince liked Impressionist paintings, but because she moved so often, she couldn't buy hanging paintings, so she used many, many cards and pasted them all over a wall.
The prince really wants to have his own house, and she sometimes thinks about what she wants to put in and how to arrange it when she buys a house later.
Hanging pictures with large frames are a must, and then there are her precious books that "just have will make you feel safe".
"If I had a house, I would put a huge shelf in the living room and fill it with a lot of books. Then below are some cushions that can sit or lie down, which is a very comfortable, own space. ”
The British writer Virginia Woolf has a book, A Room of Your Own, an extension of two of her speeches in 1928.
Ninety-four years ago, the feminist pioneer said from the podium of the women's college: If a woman wants to write a novel, she must have money and add a room of her own.
"A five-hundred-pound sum a year represents the power to meditate, and the lock on the door means the power to think independently."
Virginia Woolf
The prince agreed with this statement, women want to express themselves freely, want to fight for something, must need an economic base.
"No matter how loud a person without an economic basis speaks, no one else can hear him. I needed a strong economic base and then it was externalized into a house. ”
It was her father who taught her independence, but it was her mother who taught her "female independence."
"When I was in high school, my parents were in a big fight, so I just sat down and wrote them a divorce agreement, and then my father hated this for many years." 」
There were often such quarrels in the prince's family, and she had tried to repair her parents' relationship, but more often she was powerless and could only look at it coldly.
Contrary to her father's violent temper, the prince's mother was always very weak in her eyes. So when she becomes an adult, she can't accept that she is a weak person, nor can she accept what others say that women can't fight against men and so on.
"After I saw some of my mother's life conditions, I felt that a woman had no voice without her own strong financial foundation."
So she's been after these things, the right to speak, the economic base, and her own room.
"A woman should not believe that a man can give you this, no matter how much he loves you, even your father (who can't), and can never rely on another person." 」
Because of these family factors, the prince was very "rebellious" during his student days.
Some girls' rebellion is to drink and smoke and burn their heads, some girls are to have boyfriends, and the prince's "rebellion" is to study hard and then leave here.
When it came time to go to high school, it was ironclad to be admitted to the best middle school and the best class in the county with her grades. But at that time, the mother of a good friend of hers was going to take her daughter to school in the city and asked her if she wanted to go to the city to study together.
"At that time, my father said, you can just go to the county." I said, no, I'm going to go to the city. Then the aunt took her daughter and me into the city. ”
"I thought the farther and higher I went, the more rebellious I was."
"You Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain" is a book that the prince liked very much
When the prince was young, he had a deeper understanding of his father's violent temper.
Once, when she was still in elementary school, her father began to raise orchids, but he did it in a veiled manner, and she never closed the door to look into his father's room and asked him aloud, is this an orchid?
"My dad just looked at me with a look of shock on his face, pulled me in, slapped me, and said I shouldn't go around yelling."
To this day, she doesn't know why her father beat her.
The friends around the prince, the girls who have been friends with her for nearly ten years, were more or less unhappy in their childhood, although everyone is living well now, but they all have a little scar of the original family.
She will also think that it is not her father who wants to abuse a little girl domestically, not to deliberately abuse her, but the era and environment in which her father grew up, which has created his character and way of doing things - that is, to put violence into some things.
"From that point of view, I will be relieved a lot."
But the so-called relief is that whenever the question of "why did he do this to me" is remembered again, an answer that I have worked hard to find, an explanation for myself, an understanding, but it is by no means forgiveness or reconciliation.
Although her father rarely beat her after junior high school and high school, she still rarely communicates with her father and basically discusses things.
She temporarily ignored the little girl who was crying, and temporarily forgot about domestic violence.
"What happens after I talk to my father?" I'm already me, he's already him, and when I talk to him (domestic violence), it's nothing more than making me unhappy again and he doesn't realize he has a problem. ”
To this day, the original family still influences the prince, she will never find a boyfriend like her father, and it has become difficult to get a sense of security from others, it is difficult to trust others, even if the other party is really good to her.
There was a topic on Weibo called "What is the experience of original family happiness", and the following is not only a happy experience, but also some bitter envy.
The prince will also be envious, but there are some things that cannot be envied, and she cannot become such a person.
Independence is also a habit, and if a little girl has not received much care since childhood and grown up safely, then she will think that something is dispensable.
"You're used to being able to take care of yourself, and if someone else can give me [a sense of security], it's perfect, but if you can't give it, at least I can give it myself." 」
A prince who moves alone
In fact, the prince also has something to thank his father, such as supporting her to study.
She grew up in a rural-like environment, and many of her friends did not read until middle and high school, but she told her father that I wanted to go to college and graduate school, and my father would say that if you want to take the test, then take the test.
But there were moments when she couldn't help but hate this person, "Why did he do this to me", even after so many years, some emotions still went deep into the bone marrow, like a fish in the throat.
"I think (domestic violence) can really bring a lot of harm to a person's life, and this harm is a bit difficult to let go." A lot of things can't be repaired, and when it happens, it happens. ”
Some people say that every child who is hurt by the original family is waiting for a word of apology, but some children can never wait, and finally when they are tired, they can only say to themselves: Forget it.
Fathers have their own time and native family, and will not apologize or "repent".
And the daughter can't forgive, can't reconcile, can only pretend that nothing happened.
But on nights like this, when she tells others about her family, about the life she wants, about the house she wants, about the right to speak in a constant struggle with a kind of "father's pronoun", she still remembers the slap.
It really hurts.
This article is written by the creative team
Author | Chong
Planning | See
Edit | Chong