A conversation that led me to discover the horrors of education
My daughter ate very unashamedly when she was a child, the elderly in the family plus mom and dad went out together, spoiled and coaxed, using toys and cartoons as chips, in front of and behind a mouthful of feeding into the mouth, afraid that the child would eat less and lose that little nutrition.
So, just sent to the kindergarten that time, the little ancestor cried earth-shaking, the teacher was angry and anxious, the child had no independence at all, not only would not dress independently to go to the toilet, even to eat the teacher coaxed to feed...
This phenomenon continued for a long time, until one time the teacher asked me:
"Mother Beanie, now that the child is small, you can help her with anything, what will you do when Beanie grows up?" Can you help her for the rest of her life? ”
Can you help her for the rest of her life?
A sentence from the teacher poked my heart, maybe eating is just a small thing in the formation of my daughter's habits, but when I connect many things, I found a terrible fact!
When the daughter plays with toys, especially building blocks, once she fails, her emotions will be very impatient, wrestling the toys, how not to try a second time, but turn to seek the help of her parents and mothers;
When her daughter does some simple arithmetic problems, she also does not like to use her brain, and will still seek help or give up directly;
And when my daughter has some unreasonable demands, my father and I want to refuse, she will not take a positive solution, but use crying as the first priority solution, let me and my father compromise to meet her requirements...
All of these phenomena illustrate that my daughter is afraid of failure and has developed great dependence when she encounters problems, and the source of these dependences is the constant help of me and her father.
These help seem to help our daughter clear the obstacles on the road to growth, but in fact, we have swept away the most precious anti-setback ability in our daughter.
When I finished reflecting on all this, the teacher told me a heart-wrenching fact:
Many parents believe that before the child goes to kindergarten, he should learn to dress independently, eat independently, and communicate with the teacher, in fact, for the teacher, these are not a problem, because the teacher of the small class will teach the child little by little, and there is a ability, not the teacher can teach, is the need for parents from the child can talk to the child should teach the child's ability, that is, the ability to resist setbacks.
The teacher jokingly said: "I also know that many parents privately discuss whether the kindergarten has 'unspoken rules', afraid that their children will 'suffer losses' in the kindergarten, in fact, the kindergarten does have 'unspoken rules', compared to independent, communicative, and cute children, teachers prefer to have this ability of the baby, that is, not afraid of failure, strong ability to resist setbacks!" ”
What happened to those children who have lost the ability to resist setbacks...
When I realized the importance of the ability to resist setbacks to children, I was surprised to find that what is more imperceptible than "helping brothers" and existing in large numbers is a group of parents who are willing to be "child support demons", and this unconditional "support" is the main reason for the poor ability of children to resist setbacks.
Case 1: In the eyes of the child: "The problem is difficult, it is difficult to go to the sky..."
For example, the buttons that can never be tied when getting up in the morning, the building blocks that can never be built well when playing with toys, the application problems in arithmetic problems, etc., these are in the eyes of our adults, but with a little patience, a little brain,but the children who are often helped can never do it.
It's not that they really can't do it, but the help of those who intervene in one hand makes the child lose the interest and courage to explore independently.
When a child is like a marionette, completely dependent on his parents, it is difficult to be truly independent in both behavior and thinking, let alone the necessary ability to resist setbacks in adversity.
Case 2: The high suicide rate among adolescents has made most parents re-examine their ability to resist setbacks
According to survey data from the Beijing Medical Child Development Center, about 100,000 adolescents choose suicide every year, and every eleven hours, adolescents choose to die through suicide.
In the Shanghai area, 24% of primary and secondary school students have had suicidal thoughts, and children who think carefully and want to implement this data account for 80% of this data...
In just a few months this year, there have been one real case after another of suicide by young children around us, a 9-year-old boy in Shenyang who was criticized by his teacher and fell into the water from home, and during the epidemic period in Changchun, his parents chose to jump off a building and died due to poor communication between online classes.
While lamenting the pain, as parents, we are more empathetic, in the countless reasons for children to fall into the abyss, the lack of ability to resist setbacks must be one of the important reasons.
We always want our children to grow up in the greenhouse, but when children are really in adversity, even if it is a small thing, children who lose this ability, even a light feather, will easily crush them.
The ability to resist setbacks needs to start from a young age
When I realized that my daughter's resilience to setbacks was in urgent need of improvement, I had an in-depth communication with the teacher, who gave me three suggestions:
1. Let your child understand "failure" correctly
It's a little hard to get kindergarten or even elementary school kids to understand the word "failure" correctly, but it's a lesson we as parents have to do.
My daughter's kindergarten teacher told me that for children, if you want him to understand a truth step by step, the best way is to read books, she recommended me a set of picture books to cultivate children's anti-quotient and anti-frustration ability, so that children can correctly understand "failure", called "Hello, Failure!" 》。
I immediately bought it back, watched it with the child every day, and after a period of time, the child really became much better than before, and the failures and setbacks were no longer crying or asking for our help, but knew how to find a way to solve it on their own.
This set of "Hello, Fail! A full set of three volumes, which writes 120 small stories related to failures of 114 big figures in ancient and modern China and abroad, and tells the setbacks and tribulations that the big people have endured and their attitudes in the face of these setbacks in words that children can understand.
This set of books is very rich in content, the theme is also very prominent, there are about growth, about life, about love, about dreams, about faith, about persistence, about responsibility, about friendship, etc., the sentences are very humorous, coupled with interesting illustrations, so that children understand a truth in reading, that is, no matter what big people, they have experienced countless small troubles like themselves, which is the process that growth must go through.
"Hello, Failure! This set of books allows children to understand from the stories in the book how they should face failure, snubs, ridicule, rejection, misunderstanding, mistakes, bullying, disagreements, getting along with people, death and so on.
When the child understands what kind of attitude should be held when encountering difficulties, coupled with the timely guidance and letting go of the parents, in order to grow stronger and more resilient, when the child's heart becomes stronger, he is more confident to face setbacks and tribulations.
Here to recommend this set of books to everyone, if there are preschool children, it is highly recommended that you prepare a set for your children, this set of books contains growth and enterprising, diligent curiosity and exploration of dreams, just like a star can guide children forward, the link is placed below, interested parents can click to buy.
【Wait for the wind to come】All 3 volumes of the first set of reverse quotient training picture books for children aged 5-8 Hello, fail! ¥79 To buy
2. Sneaky and lazy, not helpful
In the world of education, there is such a hot view:
"Parents are lazy, and children will be more responsible and more independent."
In different ages of the child, give the child appropriate independence, such as early childhood, we cultivate the child's good habit of eating and dressing independently, so that she can get enough sense of achievement in these small things;
In adolescence, respect children's independence, listen carefully to their ideas, don't be busy pointing fingers when encountering adversity, encourage more and intervene less, and be a backer rather than a manipulator.
"Hello, Failure! Not only let the children understand that they must be independent in everything, many stories are conveying a message to parents, that is, they must know how to let go and know how to be lazy, only in this way, the educated children have the ability to resist setbacks in adversity, and it is easier to come out of failure!
2. Face up to failure in order to defeat failure!
When a child writes a wrong word, a test score is not satisfactory, and a busy independent dress, how do you tell your child?
It's "You're so stupid, you can't do this little thing well." Or "Baby, or Mommy help you get it." ”
In fact, for young children, not only the wind and waves are called adversity, often these small scenes in life, is the adversity they have to face, these scenes are not a good time for parents to lose their temper or spoil, but to correctly encourage and guide, tell children: "It doesn't matter, you are working hard, continue to refuel!" ”
Adversity cannot be avoided by amplification or escape, and instead of changing the environment that children face, we should teach children the right values and let them face these failures, so that they have the opportunity to defeat these failures!
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