Confrontation between partners is really a protest against emotional alienation

During the counseling process, clients often ask: Why am I always hurt in a relationship?

First, let's talk about Harlow's rhesus monkey experiment: flannel mother (flannel made of "mother", there is no food on the body, because the body is wrapped in a layer of flannel, rhesus monkeys are always willing to stay with flannel mother) and wire mother ("mother" made of wire, there is a bottle on the body, if the rhesus monkey is hungry, you need to go to the wire mother, but immediately return to the flannel mother after eating). This experiment shows that the emotional satisfaction brought by physical contact even exceeds the effect of breastfeeding. This may be the embodiment of the so-called "sense of security" in animals.

Although the subjects of this experiment were monkeys, many psychologists believe that it is equally applicable to human infants. The baby's need for the mother is not limited to the need or craving for food or breasts; instead, he will spontaneously seek physical contact and comfort. This is attachment, the emotional connection between us and others deep within us. This emotional connection is the cornerstone of all relationships.

Psychiatrists such as Thomas Lewis say that in the first years of life, children form attachment patterns from their relationships and store feelings of love. That is, what is the connection that the person who gives me love has with me. This belief stems from our early attachment experiences, mostly in the first two years of life. Without a good emotional connection, it is easy to run into walls and scars everywhere in the relationship.

I remembered a friend who had just given birth to a second baby at the end of February, and when I went to visit, the baby was nursing and heard me talking to her mother, and she would stop and listen to us. Her mom and I laughed, this little guy (only a few days after the full moon), very lean, and listening to us. After eating enough, I fell asleep peacefully in my mother's arms. We wanted to chat, and in order not to disturb her sleep, tried to put her in the stroller, and as a result, the little guy kept protesting in the stroller, making all kinds of noises, until she picked her up and returned to her mother's arms, and she was quiet.

My daughter was the same, no matter how solidly she slept in her arms, no matter how lightly she put herself on the bed, after ten minutes to see, she must have opened her eyes, looked at you and smiled, waiting for you to hold.

Attachment can be divided into safe and insecure types (including anxiety, avoidance, and confusion). It may seem that only the secure type is good, but studies have shown that people with a non-secure attachment style may also have some unique advantages. In the study, people with highly anxious attachment (who are particularly sensitive to danger) were the first to perceive danger; people with avoidant attachment (who valued independence) were the first to find a safe exit.

Secure attachment: willingness to trust others; high independence; ability to confidently and frankly express their love to their partners. Safe people are easy to get along with, and others are more likely to "share the frequency" with safe people, and it is easier and more natural to get along. As Camus said: Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow; do not walk behind me, for I may not lead the way; please walk by my side and be my friend.

When raising children, we must also be on the same frequency as our children. Co-frequency does not mean to be around the child all the time, but it means to be sensitive to the child's cues. For infants, co-frequency may include feeding on time, minimizing invasive touches, and playing and interacting according to the baby's mood and time rather than the caregiver's time. Simply put, it is "dozing meets pillow". On the contrary, the different frequencies are that obviously she is not cold, and you think she is very cold, so you have to add clothes to her. In short, it is to "meet" the child in the way you think, rather than interacting with the child according to the child's emotions and state at that time.

The purpose of parents staying sensitive is to provide a safe base for their children to explore with confidence, i.e. when they encounter difficulties, caregivers are able to provide both physical and mental help and alleviate their suffering. Some caregivers are still unable to achieve the same frequency even if they are accompanied by the baby around the clock. Because of the development of the network now, many caregivers often stare at the mobile phone when taking care of the baby, and the baby's feelings and needs are completely ignored.

When a child wants to be hugged, he gets a hug, when he wants to be put down, he is hungry and has something to eat, he has water to drink when he is thirsty, he can relax and fall asleep when he is tired, and a secure attachment is formed.

Anxious attachment: Requires constant confirmation from the partner; desperately craves intimacy; and sometimes makes the partner feel overwhelmed.

Anxious people may be fun and attractive, but not because they're interested in each other, but because they're afraid of rejection. Seeing this, I shared it with my daughter, and then she had a discussion with me. She said she always felt like I was avoidant, and I said it should be anxious.

Why? Her kindergarten is in her hometown, raised by my parents, and I am in Wuhan. I think of one thing she had only recently accused me of: when she was a child, I sent her to kindergarten, and she cried so much that she cried darkly, and I walked away without looking back. Fortunately, she said, there was a teacher who comforted me. I was ashamed when I heard her say this, but what I didn't tell her was that every time I dropped her off to kindergarten, I cried silently on the train back to Han; every time I got home, I tried to be able to pick her up when she was out of school.

Avoidant attachment: cold alienation, fear of emotional intimacy; active withdrawal when feeling hurt or rejected by others.

Try this psychological experiment: "Close your eyes and try to think back to your parents or lovers (or exs) whose behaviors have enhanced your trust in them and which behaviors may have reduced your trust." ”

When I saw this question, I couldn't connect and couldn't think of anything. Before going to bed at night, I suddenly thought of several memorable things related to my mother.

When I was a child, my family was in the countryside, my father was driving in the factory in the town, because of school, I followed my father to the town to study in advance, and my mother and brother arrived a year late. Because my father traveled a lot, I was often fostered in an aunt's house in the same factory. The aunt's husband died early and took two daughters with him in one hand. When I went to their house, my two sisters were already very sensible and could take care of me. I remember once, I was playing in the house with my friends, and my mother went back with my brother, but I didn't have any emotions and just watched them go. Looking back now, the desire for my mother's love was completely isolated.

"Am I likable?"

"Am I a person who deserves to be cared for and cherished by others?"

"Does anyone want to take care of me?"

"Do I feel comfortable when I am close and dependent on others and show vulnerability in front of them?"

"When I need someone else, will they be around to support me?"

I kept asking myself.

Chaotic attachment: A combination of anxious and avoidant attachment, it is the worst attachment style; sometimes the desire to be close to your partner, sometimes it seems cold.

This type is more common among children who have experienced neglect and abuse as children. In the strange situation experiment, when the caregiver returned, they seemed to want to approach the caregiver but were afraid of them. Because they are in a dilemma: their fears cannot be solved, because the source of security is also the source of their fear.

Neglect is a broad concept that includes inadequate food, clothing, shelter and medical care; In today's society, in the case of adolescents, food, clothing, shelter and transportation may not be too much of a problem (except for children in poor and remote mountainous areas), and ridicule, hostility, and domestic violence are not uncommon.

There is also a type of attachment: acquired secure attachment. If your birth family doesn't give you insecurity, but you do, it's "acquisition security."

It comes mainly from two sources: one is to build a strong and meaningful relationship with a non-caregiver who has somehow replaced the role of caregiver. In childhood or adolescence, the person may be an aunt or uncle, adoptive parent, teacher, mentor, etc. In adulthood, it may be a lover or a spouse in a successful, stable marriage. Second, it may come from deep reflection and meaningful inquiry into my own experiences — often with the help of a therapist — that convinces me that yes, my early experiences were really bad, but maybe I could have done better.

That said, to some extent, the person is still anxious or avoidant attachment, but he knows how to deal with his own attachment problems.

My daughter asked me what type I was and I said I was acquiring secure attachment. Stepping into the industry of psychology, through non-stop self-learning, non-stop self-awareness, as well as my experience teacher, my guide teacher, and my peer friends, broadened my knowledge, broadened my horizons, and gave me a lot of support and encouragement, I seemed to have unloaded heavy shackles and excessive burdens.

It's nice to be light! Another reason is the way children are raised and self-reflective. Raising children forces us to reflect and think deeply about these issues.

When I realized that I had caused some trauma to my daughter, during her adolescence, I looked for ways to make it up. Although there was no conflict, I tried my best to be supportive and tolerant in front of her. It was in the process that I gradually became more tolerant and accepting.

Humans are not only social animals, but also an animal that needs to establish special intimacy with others. Lovers are the implicit regulators of our physical functions and emotional lives. In too many relationships, attachment needs and fears are hidden. Making partners feel insecure and unable to meet each other's attachment needs is an important factor that threatens intimacy. Confrontation between partners is really a protest against emotional alienation. In pain, they would ask each other:

Can I rely on you?

Will you always be there?

Am I important to you?