The background received a message from such a fan:
"Miss KY, there's a problem that really bothers me. I usually think I'm a nice guy, but once I'm in a relationship, I get crazy — and the word crazy isn't an exaggeration. Every day's mood is like a roller coaster ride, I will become extremely eager to get the other person's attention, if the other person does not return seconds, such a small thing will make me want to ruin the relationship. I can't describe this state, but it's like the monster in my heart is activated. Can you see what I'm talking about? ”
The psychiatrist Christie proposed in 1969 that in the process of falling in love, human beings burst out of frightening power. But he also put forward that the so-called state of "falling in love" is actually a continuous spectrum, with two ends of the spectrum, one end is "true love" and the other end is called "pathological infatuation".
The state of pathological infatuation can cause harm not only to oneself, but also to the other party.
Today we are going to talk to you about how to distinguish between being truly in love or in a state of pathological infatuation? What is the essence of this pathological obsession? Take a look at today's article.
True falling in love vs. pathological infatuation
（Falling in Love vs. Pathological Infatuation）
We sometimes feel an unusually strong attraction to some people, and when you are in it, you can vaguely feel that it is destructive but completely powerless in front of it. Christie (1969) argues that this attraction is actually related to the existence of "complementary" subconscious needs in the subconscious of two people, such as a man's empathy for his mother and another woman's empathy for his son, which just complement each other; for example, an abused person just meets an abuser; a person who seeks salvation and a person who desires to save others, and so on.
I've tried to describe this complementarity in more intuitive terms: your script and his script can be matched, and your fantasy and his fantasy just happen to be compatible with each other.
Anyone who has experienced this attraction will be shocked by the emotional tension that this cat-and-mouse game can bring, which is a difficult experience in ordinary intimate relationships. There are even some people who become addicted to this feeling and are constantly eager to seek to regain similar feelings.
Perhaps all love is related to some degree, more or less, to each other's subconscious empathy. Christie (1969) also believed that the development of love had two possibilities: "toward normal" and "towards pathology". But those who are more pathological in their own right, based on the connection of empathy, have a greater degree of pathology.
This process of pathological development is distinctly characterized by the increasing severity of "regression", a psychoanalytic term, which simply refers to the degeneration of the mind to a stage younger than the actual age, as if it were reacting and behaving as if it were younger than the actual age)"; b." ego control (psychoanalytic term)"; and c." Acting out (psychoanalytic term, simply without control turning inner impulses into external actions, e.g. "doing heaven and earth" may be a kind of putting into action).
Christie (1969) argues that discerning whether to fall in love healthily or morbidly infatuation is important, allowing counselors to dissuade patients from making crucial life choices (e.g., relocation, marriage, childbearing, abandoning their planned life trajectory) based on a pathological, and most likely short-lived connection.
So, what are the differences between these two states?
A manifestation of really falling in love
Both Christie (1969) and Kernberg (1988) point out that to fully develop into a state of "falling in love," the feelings of both parties must be reciprocal/reciprocal. In a normal state, an object of love, if it does not respond to its own love, will feel sad and mourn for this state, and then abandon the object of love after this process.
And when this mutuality exists, the state of falling in love will be fully stimulated.
At this time, people who fall in love will be more stable in idealizing or overestimating the value of their loved ones. He will identify with the object and feel tender feelings about the person because he is able to perceive the feelings of the object.
People who fall in love, their health will be strengthened. He will look younger, more energetic and attractive than usual. Although the road to love is always not smooth, people who fall in love can sometimes be anxious, depressed, and sad. But these processes are temporary, and overall they will be healthier and better looking than usual.
People who fall in love will also have a function of the self enhanced. Self-esteem levels become higher, mental outlook and sense of hope are enhanced, cognitive abilities become sharper, and intuition and creativity are improved. Although there must be a certain degree of "regression" in love: people become as impulsive, excited, and sometimes even become baby-like, saying baby-like words as teenagers. But these regressions are "in service of the ego," which brings satisfaction and improves people's aesthetic abilities (aesthetic abilities are considered a sublimated ability, which in psychoanalysis is associated with a better level of development, a higher level of self-ability). Falling in love will make people feel that life is richer and more complete, and it will also improve people's level of self-realization.
It is worth noting that after truly falling in love, the object of people's love is relatively stable and will not easily lose their love for this person.
Another iconic feature is that after truly falling in love, even when love diminishes over time, people can still recall the original feelings of passion, and those past emotions and moods can be re-stimulated and experienced in some nostalgic scenes. In pathological infatuation, people can remember that they have had such a stage, but they cannot re-appreciate the feelings they had for that person at that time.
In the subsequent elaboration on "pathological infatuation", we are able to further see the difference between it and the above manifestations.
Manifestations of falling into pathological infatuation
When caught in a pathological obsession, people will feel even more intense and more engrossed/distracted than actually falling in love. Their minds are filled with the object of their infatuation.
But their attitude towards the object of their affection is ambiguous: that is, they sometimes overestimate the value of the object, sometimes they devalue the value of the object, sometimes they have feelings of tenderness and sweetness, and sometimes they have feelings of hostility.
Pathological infatuation often becomes more and more destructive as it develops: both for oneself and for the object of the crush.
Sex in pathological infatuation is also special: sex often comes with some abnormal feelings (more subtle and indescribable, such as more about power struggles, etc.) when it comes to pathological infatuation, rather than a mature, tender expression. In pathological infatuation, people think less about each other's feelings and often think about the relationship from a self-centered perspective: for example, this state of infatuation makes "me" very uncomfortable, and I have to do something to make "me" feel better.
In pathological infatuation, self-functioning is always destroyed. The quality of the work output of the infatuator will be significantly reduced, or there will be a significant inability to concentrate on things that he or she is obliged to pay attention to (e.g., housework, study, etc.). Anxiety and depression are common, even dominant, feelings.
Obsessed people will feel strong inner impulses uncontrollably, feel more and more destructive inner impulses as they develop, and will have difficulty controlling the actions of these impulses in the relationship.
Sometimes, the infatuated person will behave very differently from the usual self, and his behavior may surprise those who are familiar with him.
In the face of such a pathological obsession, the infatuated person will feel helpless, because he feels that this is a powerful and strange feeling, and is not controlled by the level of his consciousness.
Regression is also significant and persistent in pathological infatuation. Infatuation regresses into a period of verbal desire, showing extremely strong demandingness, intolerance of small frustrations (such as not getting an immediate response from fans at the beginning), and separation anxiety (often fearing that the other person has abandoned them).
In those who repeatedly experience infatuation, it can be found that there is a distinctive and recurring pattern of feelings and behaviors, such as repeated blocking. The infatuated person himself is able to feel strongly the familiarity and repetition of this pattern.
Infatuation is more of an instinctive reaction that is difficult to control than real love. This may be because it is more driven by intense empathy. But when this fascination finally dissipates, people cannot reawaken this feeling on their own volition: you will only remember the experience, but you will not be able to re-experience the feeling at that time. People may even feel that the feelings at that time are not like their own and difficult to explain.
Christie (1969) summed up the difference between "really falling in love" and "pathological infatuation" in a table:
The essence of pathological infatuation: masochism
Kernberg (1988) argues in his essay on masochism that the difference between true, normal, healthy love and pathological infatuation is that in normal relationships, if love is not mutually existent and one-sided, it disappears with time and the subject's mourning. But in pathological infatuation, the individual will be irrepressibly attracted to a person who does not respond to his love.
In fact, in cases of severe pathological infatuation, the individual unconsciously (subconsciously) chooses a person who is incapable or unwilling to respond to his love as the object of love. And this is also the embodiment of the "masochism" in the essence of this obsession.
The masochism mentioned here is not the same thing as the abusive/masochistic (sm) relationship in the traditional sexual field. In fact, masochistic behavior in the field of sex often only occurs in stable, mutual, and good intimate relationships.
In pathological infatuation, the individual often feels that he can completely sacrifice himself and all his own interests for the sake of this unobtainable/or sadistic object of love, for this object that is not reciprocal and in love with himself.
This miserable person, however, clearly lacks sufficient commitment to the values he has established and the investments he has made in the past—because these can be easily abandoned in order to chase this unattainable object of love.
In severe cases, they repeatedly create situations in which they will be rejected, and they are repeatedly caught up in one-sided pathological obsessions and have little interest in those with whom they can have reciprocal relationships. And once they are the object they are chasing and give them reciprocal love, within a few weeks they will begin to devalue the object.
So what do these people gain in this pathological obsession, in this masochism? Kernberg (1988) argues that there are some mixed motives for masochism. On the one hand, the superego in these people's minds (psychoanalytic terms, the human self is divided into three layers from the outside to the inside, followed by "superego", "ego", "id", the superego represents the moral requirements, the ego represents the consciousness of running oneself, the ego represents the impulse of the subconscious level, etc.) is harsh, and they have a hidden sense of guilt and therefore want to punish themselves through masochistic actions. By exercising self-punishment, you can feel that you are following morality and feeling good, even if the process occurs subconsciously, thus elevating your self-evaluation.
Second, these people have narcissistic needs, and their narcissistic needs are met by playing the role of a lover who can endure pain and sacrifice the most.
Overall, masochism serves self-esteem and narcissism. Of course, masochism also has a purpose of bringing excitement, and in this sense it is entertaining. What is more likely to be overlooked is the sense of power that comes with abuse:
The pain of masochism, especially masochistic behavior, is different from "real pain", from the passive position of being completely passive and unable to move. It has self-selectivity and self-determination in it. It can even be said that these people who subconsciously actively choose the pathological infatuation that seems to be the most painful are actually escaping the risk of more terrible and real intimacy in their hearts.
The impossibility of active choice is easier to accept than the risks that are not mentally prepared and hopeful.
Ky Sister has something to say:
If after reading today's article, you think you have the problem of pathological infatuation, here is my advice to you:
1) Don't make any life decisions based on this obsession that might be crucial;
2) If you are intentionally controlling, you can enter a state of complete separation from the object of your crush, that is, there is no contact and no news. Studies have shown that a complete separation from the object of infatuation can make the infatuation disappear. If you have no intention of controlling, you can also continue to put it into action, because pathologically obsessed relationships often don't last long. But in either case, be prepared that your ego will be damaged and will take time to heal and heal;
3) Don't let yourself fall into a repetitive pathological obsession that doesn't bring you any growth, it will make your life and self fragmented, and before you can cultivate yourself stronger, you can deliberately avoid romantic stimulation and keep yourself isolated for a period of time;
4) In rare cases, pathological infatuation has the potential to progress in the direction of normal love, which does not mean that the outcome of your relationship may change, because there is a good chance that you have chosen an impossible person, but it means that your mental state will grow. Creativity (into art) is a methodological path mentioned in psychoanalytic literature;
5) In the literature, researchers mention that encountering love can be an examination of the functional state of a person's self, which can test the integrity and tenacity of a person's self, just like encountering great stress, drunkenness and other situations. The text mentions a case in which self-growth was shown in two different relationships, and one of the significant signs was that when the woman successfully coped with the second relationship failure, there was no functional impairment (such as falling into a depressed state, etc.);
6) Changing the state of pathological infatuation is not an easy task, nor can it be done overnight. You need to develop your level of self, to make yourself more flexible and flexible, and you need to give yourself time to become a more mature person with the help of a professional counselor or in the wisdom of life, and then take baby steps and slowly take the attempt to intimacy. Don't be in a hurry, or harbor unrealistic, extreme expectations and fantasies (like the next time I have to change completely).
The road is long and long, and I encourage you.
above.
Interaction Today: Have you ever had an experience of infatuating someone? What do you think is "true love"?