Student asked: Hello everyone, I would like to ask you a question, how to look at and let go of your suspicions about your partner? Here's the thing, my husband once cheated on his first love, and then after a series of things we reconciled, but now I am like being bitten by a snake, how can I not let go of my suspicions about him.
For example, today I always thought he was at home with the child, and then the child called and said that dad was not at home. My first reaction was suspicion and I wanted to call right away, but I sensed it, and I paused for a while, but finally I called.
In fact, I can live very well without him, that is, I have been in a bad relationship and can't extricate myself.
Iris: Don't be in a hurry, try to observe yourself, the reason why you can't do without. There are many reasons for not being able to extricate yourself, see which one you belong to?
Sometimes the more you give, the harder it is to get started, because it feels like Ben hasn't come back.
Sometimes it's the other person's bad luck that shatters their own fragile self-esteem.
Sometimes what else is there to desire?
Want to prove yourself? Want to reject an innings? I'm giving you an example of this, and you have to observe it for yourself
No hurry Ha The more anxious you are, the more you can't see clearly.
Student replied: I think I am not willing to prove that I am not a failure! I used to think it was because of what I had done before that led to his behavior now, and then I thought about giving to him. Then say the harshest words and do the most despicable things. I knew that without him I wouldn't have to be jealous, fearful, and I didn't need to take care of his feelings in my life.
I just can't understand my own heart, I can't figure out whether I love this person or not, and even I doubt whether I have ever loved this person, because in his opinion I don't love him enough.
Iris: Honey, although I don't know if it's all events, "I don't seem to love each other?!" "Looks like he doesn't love me?!"
These are the questions that appear the longest in relationships.
That's not the point, the point is, whether you love him or not, right now you're feeling unhappy and unhappy with him.
Stephanie: Through a few chats, I realized that in your past events, you had a great sense of guilt, thinking that things were mainly caused by you not doing a good job. So then you've been trying to do your best at how you do it, but it doesn't seem to work very well.
Of course, it may be because it's not long enough, or it may be because things are not as you think, and it is not something that you can change or try your best. After all, everything is changing, he is, you are, and so is your love.
Iris: Your focus should not be on whether I'm really not perfect, whether I've actually hurt the other person.
You should pay attention to whether he is really doing a wrong thing that he knows is wrong or biased, especially something that involves a matter of principle.
You should pay attention to whether he is intentionally hurting you, even if it is unintentional, but this thing is really not hurting you, hurting your feelings, your happiness, your marriage, your life.
If you want to continue, it also requires wisdom and courage, but the most important thing is that it takes a lot of measurement.
Forgive your child as you can unconditionally, never mention the past and don't expect anything, because expectations will bring dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction will bring trouble and pain, and it will lead to a new round of quarrels.
You just start over, live your life happily every day, don't force the other person to accept that you recognize that you understand you, it's only about your own decision.
It will take some time. Maybe they will really fall in love again and build a beautiful marriage.
Ming Shu: Share my own opinion.
"Derailment" is an event, and even to some extent, a random event. Mr. derailment may be affected by many factors, some internal, some external, some long-term, and some accidental, at some point in time these factors superimpose and resonate to form this event.
So, is there anything else sir now? We don't know. All factors are changing, and this is a complex event.
Then our relationship, if we stare at whether he has cheated, it seems that it is indeed out of its essence, you can try to change the angle, stare at a clearer and more valuable place - the psychological state Ha.
Does he love you?
Our definition of love is: Does he want you to be in a good state and is willing to give something for you to be in a good state?
Perceiving this, we may need to temporarily peel off a lot of our inner judgments of right and wrong, label thinking, and constant fantasies. These things are hidden in front of our eyes, so that we can't see the truth in his heart.
Give yourself a short period of time, try to quiet down and concentrate on this thing? If he sincerely wants you to have a good mental state, you will feel it clearly.
First try not to use right and wrong, use exclusivity, use "there is no her without me" to force him and force yourself.
Just observe, do nothing else.
If he has love and you have love, we will get along the way we love. When the love gets deeper and deeper, he will cut off contact with the girl for your good psychological state.
If he doesn't have love and you don't have love, we can get along or separate the way we don't love. We can get along without love, as long as we are clear and honest enough
Don't worry, don't worry, let the galloping black horse and white horse stop for a while, leaving only the exploration of the psychological state, try it
Hard work, good heartache, take good care of yourself!
Iris: Teacher, I have a brain hole here, but it's not actually a brain hole.
In life, I have met some men who will want to love both of them, will still have feelings for their wives at home, and have a state of mind like this, but they will also be reluctant to give up their lovers outside to keep in touch.
So how to look at this situation from the psychological state?
MingShu: Share my own perspective.
1
There will be many relationships in life, not just husband and wife relationships. In fact, the relationship between husband and wife, or the relationship, for most people is not just a paragraph, it can be multiple paragraphs.
So, in every relationship, are we nourished or worn? The basis of this is whether there is love in the true sense of each other: hope that the other person has a good mental state and is willing to give for it.
This is the cornerstone of everything, the truth that the heart will feel when it returns to its cleanest relationship.
But we need to be aware that this truth is not so easy to detect, because we wear a lot of filters in front of our eyes.
For example, some old husbands and wives seem to care about each other in life. But does such concern really wish the other person a good psychological state? Will you attack when your concerns do not develop according to the established expectations? So what about the focus, in the psychological state of yourself or the other party?
True love, often entangled with self-boundaries, and right and wrong judgments, and possessiveness, is not so easy to see clearly, and it does require us to return to the perspective of metacognition to calm down and feel, and not to jump to conclusions hastily and simply.
There is also a situation where the other person does have true love, and they are blinded by judgment, labels and fantasies, and in a relationship that could have felt nourished, they feel the loss, which may be mostly from the inside, and can gradually dissolve through mindfulness awareness.
2.
Of course, a man may love two or more women at the same time, but it still needs to be observed in great detail. It is also possible that he does not love either, only possessively, or loves only one side, or other circumstances. We really have to go back to his original state of mind according to his current real state of mind.
In order to see clearly, we need to temporarily let go of these things that cover our eyes, otherwise we really can't see clearly.
3.
It is important to note that love is changing. In a large number of couples and couple relationships, true love has not been seen by the other party for a long time. The other party has been focusing on one event after another, entangled in the details, causing love to be gradually consumed.
So if there is love, it is necessary to see it, to see it in time and in its entirety, and it will sustain and grow.
If there is no love, then even if there is no cheating relationship, what is the point? It's just a relationship that wears you down and doesn't get nourished from it.
4.
The past has passed, and now that we have begun to learn mindfulness, we can try to use this incident to return to its original appearance.
Being together, or separated, can be happy. As long as the mother has a healthy psychological state, consciously accompanies the child, and establishes a relationship that nourishes the child, the child can also have a healthy psychological state, no problem.
However, we need to perceive and perceive this matter from a metacognitive point of view ourselves, not to be carried away by pain and hatred, and not to have time to think about what really matters.
There are spacious roads everywhere, don't force yourself into the corner
*Author: Iris, Stephanie, Ming Su
*Edit: The little assistant eats the hope of sugar-free taro puree
*The first phase of the metacognitive thinking training camp has begun, for details, please search for the Mini Program to view the selected selection of Mingshu