I was born in 1988 in the northern Henan region of Henan.
When I was very young, I was still very happy, because at that time I didn't have to go to school and meet my father's excessive expectations of me.
The turning point was after entering junior high school. There are three main reasons, one is the severe decline in my grades, the second is that I have suffered from campus violence, and the third is that my father often suppressed me after learning that my grades were not good, and I felt that my grades were not good, so I was embarrassed to tell my father that I was bullied by others and entered a vicious circle.
When I was in elementary school, my grades were still very good, and no matter how I got the test, I passed the test. But after I went to junior high school, I often failed the test. I don't know if I became stupid, or the poor quality of teaching in rural schools, I remember that mathematics and English can sometimes be tested with 30 points and 40 points, and the psychological gap is very large.
Not only me, but also my elementary school classmates who went to the same junior high school as me, their grades were not ideal, and now I don't know what is going on. It may be that the primary school to junior high school is not very adaptable, or it may be that the teacher is not good at teaching.
Elementary school was in the village where I was born, and when I went to junior high school, I went to town, and the change in the environment brought a broader vision and greater risks.
Unexpectedly, I was bullied by my classmates. I had only heard about school violence before, but I didn't expect it to happen to me.
After being subjected to school violence, I cried, swallowed my anger, and thought about fighting back, but I would be retaliated against more severely. The bad classmates were often in droves, and I was alone, and although I had friends, my friends weren't good enough to help me when I got into a fight.
I have also told my father that my father asked someone to find a relationship and let a senior classmate support me, and then the violence on campus seemed to lessen, but there was no substantial change.
Compared with school violence, my father paid more attention to my academic performance, and I did not have good grades, and I was bullied by others but I was embarrassed to tell my father, so it has been a vicious circle, resulting in some nervous breakdown and depression.
After graduating from junior high school, the score of the middle school exam can be a very general high school, and my father and I were not reconciled, so we discussed and decided to repeat the study for a year.
In the second middle school entrance examination, there was an emergency, the few days of the middle school entrance examination, I vomited up and down, so the test was smashed. The grades came down, the key high schools were not admitted, and the top few high schools in the county were not admitted, and they could only go to a very general high school. This failure hit me hard, and I had an aversion to school and exams.
When my father learned of my middle school entrance examination results, he sneered a few times, and then scolded me with his head covered. I was so upset.
Still going to high school? I was confused.
When I was confused, my uncle said to my father, if you don't want to go to high school, go to a technical school to learn technology.
So I chose to go to a technical school, and after graduating from the technical school, I chose to go to the southern factory to do technical work.
Because of the double blow of being subjected to school violence and suppression by my father, my personality is very sensitive, not cheerful, and does not communicate with people.
Slowly, I became depressed, and sometimes there were problems with work communication, and the result was frequent job changes. The more frequently jobs are changed, the worse jobs are found, trapped in a vicious circle.
And my father, who encouraged me not much, said several times that I was stupid and wouldn't do anything. I was hoping to get useful advice from him, but I was disappointed. Father said, if it were me, what would I do, what would I do? If you listen to me, you won't be like this. In fact, sometimes I don't want my father to help me directly, but I hope to get his spiritual support, but these are very few.
When I was in junior high school, once I went to the city to buy a flute, and I bought a flute not to learn to play, or I thought it looked good in the house and looked temperamental at home. But my dad saw it and said, you can't play what you buy, I said it was just to look good. But my father showed strong dissatisfaction. The flute was bought at the one-dollar shop, a dollar, and it was obvious that the father did not spend the money on the flute, but that his son did not show up, did not give him a long face.
In my father's eyes, I may be a tool, a tool without dignity, and if I can't meet his hopes, I will be abandoned and angry.
I couldn't get into a good high school, and my father said I would achieve nothing in the future. After working, I didn't earn money, and my father said that my life was over, and I couldn't compare with anyone.
May be hurt too badly by the person closest to them, so that now there are more than thirty people, looking at people and things is very indifferent, interpersonal communication is not interested, interest in the opposite sex is not much. The work is also sluggish, and I have been doing the lowest level of work, just making ends meet.
In the face of failure, my father's confidence was particularly strong, and he often criticized me. And after repeated criticisms, I became more depressed and did not like to communicate. So the two of us could go a whole year without calling or contacting.
I don't envy the second generation of officials and the second generation of the rich, how I hope to have a father who gives me spiritual support, a gentle father, who doesn't need to be rich and powerful, as long as he can give me spiritual help, at least not to hit me when I am in difficulty.
Also I have a younger sister who has schizophrenia. His illness was also related to his violent and extreme father.
My mother said that in the past, there was an umbrella in the family that was broken, and my father took it to repair it, and it was not repaired for half a day, and as a result, my father broke the umbrella fiercely, stomped on it with his feet, and the umbrella was completely destroyed.
Am I the umbrella?
Interviewee: Wang Zhigang
Edit: Moon Ming