Hello everyone, I'm poached egg mom.
The other day, I wrote an analysis
The Silicon Valley scumbag article, mainly discussing what kind of man not to marry and how to protect marital property, received a lot of messages from everyone.
When it comes to how to secure our marriages further, there are actually many topics worth discussing.
Today, with a piece of news I recently saw, I will open another chapter in our discussion of marital relationships. (In other words, can I consider a small session on the mother's marriage solution?) ）
Not long ago, a 38-year-old female doctor of Shanghai Jiaotong University, Yang Nan, who was suffering from liver cancer and had not healed for a long time, was begged by her husband Zhang Hai, an associate professor, to be spared on her knees.
The two were originally classmates and fellow villagers in the same school, from ordinary families, and walked together in free love.
After the woman suffered from cancer, the man who was studying in Japan returned to China for the first time and did his best to save his wife.
But after only two years, the husband and wife became enemies.
A long-term illness, dead clinging to her husband's life-saving straw, shouting "I want to live!" ”，
Exhausted, he knelt down to plead for divorce, "I'm 40 years old and have no children, please spare me!" ”
When the relationship between husband and wife is facing a huge test, ask yourself: Will you insist on spending time with your partner?
I think that behind each story is not as simple as the phrase "flying separately when the big trouble is coming"...
"I'm not that great"
In the Silicon Valley man article, I talked about the topic that men are more realistic and rational than women.
In Yang Nan's case, we can also feel this more bluntly.
Yang Nan, who is suffering from liver cancer, has a monthly drug cost of nearly 2,000 yuan, which is the lowest drug standard to maintain her condition without deterioration.
If you want to change the liver, it is about 800,000.
At first, Zhang Hai, who was studying in Japan, learned of his wife's illness and returned to China to accompany him at the first time.
But in the second year of his wife's illness, Zhang Hai moved out, and Yang Nan didn't even know his address before the show was broadcast.
When the reporter contacted Zhang Hai, who was working on a construction site, he said that he had never given up on his wife, and every month he had money to transfer drugs to her, and gave Yang Nan more than 200,000 yuan before and after.
The source of the picture is known, and it is transferred to invade and delete
And when it comes to moving out, it's just because of a very small thing.
Zhang Hai said that it was also this incident that changed his perception of his wife.
On the morning of the first day of the Chinese New Year, it is time to eat breakfast after the New Year. Yang Nan said that he was comfortable and did not want to eat.
Mother-in-law counts down daughter-in-law: You see you want to sleep and don't eat! The mother-in-law's words aroused Yang Nan's disgust, and she asked to return to her mother's house.
Zhang Hai was very angry: according to the rules of his hometown, he returned to his mother's house on the first day of the New Year and let others see that it was not good.
The two quarreled, Zhang Hai threw his wife in the middle of the road, he felt that his wife was ill and unkind, disrespectful to the elders, disregarding his face.
According to Zhang Hai, his wife only regarded him as a husband when she paid for him, and let her go out to work when her physical condition was OK, and she also refused, and her personality was stubborn, and she wanted to drag everyone into the water.
Regardless of which, the two men said who was right and who was wrong.
But what we can be sure of is that Zhang Hai is a very traditional man, and under the influence of traditional concepts, what are men looking forward to when they get married?
One thing we all don't want to admit is that for now, what men want in marriage is a filial piety to their parents and someone who can bear children for themselves.
Women, on the other hand, need more respect and care than basic life security.
Ever seen another story:
43-year-old Tian Lei and Qian Jiawen have been married for 20 years, the two from poor and white to have a car and a house, the relationship is very good, even going out to buy vegetables are hand in hand.
But suddenly one day, his wife Qian Jiawen resolutely filed for divorce and even went on a hunger strike.
The husband was very surprised and angry, and thought that he was obedient to his wife and did not know why his wife wanted to do this.
But in Qian Jiawen's view, in the 20-year marriage, the husband's belief that baiyi baishun is only materially and never treated badly.
Because of her husband's desire for control, she had no job and no dignity for 20 years, and all the focus was on her husband and children.
The contrast between the two stories is so great that they both expose the same problem: the misalignment of supply and demand in what we often call marriage.
Misplaced marriages are like: I love bananas, but you give me a cart of apples. Then you say you're touched by yourself and ask me why I'm not moved.
Back to the story of Chen Nan and Zhang Hai, Chen Nan used marriage and morality to "kidnap" Zhang Hai, and Zhang Hai thought that giving money was not abandoning his wife.
When he was tired and tired, he began to say words of blowing, insulting, and cursing to his wife.
Yang Nan understood that her husband did this to her, either trying to force her to divorce or want to consume her.
In her insults, she strengthened her instinct to live, even if she had no dignity, she had to grasp the life-saving straw of her husband.
Both men stubbornly saw only their own needs, refused to back down, and lost both.
In marriage, everyone cannot be without asking for anything. While we pay the price, we also have to take back some, which is the law of supply and demand.
But the reality is often that the core needs of two people cannot be fully met.
Some need misalignment can be reconciled, and need to be inclusive and run-in.
But some needs are misaligned but cannot be reconciled. Yang Nan and Zhang Hai are faced with irreconcilable needs.
The only solution seems to be to take a step back.
Zhang Hai's mood can be understood, as he said: 40 years old, already middle-aged, but he has nothing, there is no normal and harmonious family like ordinary people.
In his words to his wife, the desire for freedom can be clearly felt.
He can certainly choose to have a normal life, but the premise must be to fulfill the responsibilities of the husband and, before the divorce, to settle the wife well.
"I want to have a child of my own"
Speaking of the real reason for "kneeling for divorce", Zhang Hai once made it clear: I don't have other women, I want to divorce because I am older and want children.
In many rounds of quarrels and discussions, he also repeatedly mentioned that he was forty years old and did not have children.
Whether it is an excuse or a sincere heart, we often find that in the matter of having children, although men will not give birth, they are more persistent than women.
For example, in the case we mentioned earlier, in the 20-year marriage, Tian Lei made his wife pregnant 15 times and induced labor 13 times, just to give birth to a son.
In the variety show "Goodbye Lover", male guest Wei Wei insists on having a child with his wife Tong Chenjie.
But Tong Chenjie knows that her husband is not a reliable person, he likes to drink a lot of wine, and he will not take care of others.
He never thought about what he wanted to bring to his children and what kind of responsibilities he would fulfill.
Wei Wei, on the other hand, felt that the reason why he wanted children was that he was insecure in this marriage, and he said that having children would establish a connection with Tong Chenjie.
As Wei Wei said:
"I want to have a thing that belongs to my object, that is, stamped, you are my son KK WeiWei, you are my KK Wei Wei's daughter."
For many men, children are like tools to heal their inner insecurities, and they do not consider how much physical hardship a woman has to endure to have a child.
If others have it, I will have it too, or it will prove that I can't do it.
Men's attachment to children is more attached to "passing on the generations", and if there is no child, it will make men feel inferior.
In reverse, many men like to be merciful everywhere, and being able to prove that they are "great" is also a kind of cultural pandering.
In the documentary "The Wonderful Egg Birth", the example of male persistence in childbearing is even more extreme.
In a certain couple, in order to be able to give birth to a child for her husband Xiaoding, the wife Wenxia was unsuccessful in 3 ivory fertilizations.
The husband insisted: No filial piety has three, and no queen is greater.
In the end, WenXia, who failed to conceive, was driven out by her in-laws, not only that, Xiaoding also asked Wenxia to compensate 600,000 yuan for the money spent on assisted reproduction.
Some people say that the lower the spiritual level, the more obsessed a man is with having children, and prove himself by passing on the generations.
But in fact, we can see that men's attachment to childbearing has nothing to do with academic qualifications and the like.
Most men themselves are oppressors of patriarchal society and masculinity, and they want to project this "anxiety" and transfer the "I can't" incompetence to women.
So we still have a long way to go on the road of educating men to correctly view the meaning of fertility.
At the end of the story, Yang Nan was completely disheartened and finally agreed to divorce.
The condition of the divorce is that Zhang Hai will help him pay off all his debts, treatment fees and credit card bills, adding up to a total of 600,000 yuan.
Zhang Hai said that he could only bear 300,000 yuan at most, until the end, the husband and wife did not negotiate successfully, and could only go through judicial procedures to solve it.
We may wish to make a hypothesis, if two people have children first and then get sick, can Zhang Hai really not give up? Not necessarily.
Because Yang Nan quickly punctured Zhang Hai's lies.
She said that Zhang Hai's so-called giving her more than 200,000 yuan actually includes visiting relatives in Japan, travel, living and other expenses, and most of them are before the illness, and the real cost of treatment is very small.
Therefore, the final advice of the mediator to Yang Nan is: In addition to resorting to the law, you should love yourself more.
I think that this love of myself is not only to see the reality sooner or later, but also to live with more dignity.
Finally, back to the question at the beginning of the article: Do you think that the phrase "husband and wife are originally birds in the same forest, and they fly separately in the face of great trouble" is not the truth?
Looking forward to everyone's messages and stories