Because the epidemic was sealed at home, I could not go to my parents' graves to worship and sweep, and I felt infinite sadness in my heart.
Three years ago, on the afternoon of Qingming Festival, my father died of lung cancer. He did not smoke or drink all his life, and he exercised diligently and held himself very strictly. When you find that the cough is not stopping, it is already advanced when you go to check. No one in my family has ever suffered from this disease, my grandparents died at the age of 93, and several elderly people in the same sect are long-lived.
When it was found out, ask the doctor what the reason was, the doctor said that it is not completely clear now, it may be related to mental factors. I deeply blamed myself for not taking good care of my father after my mother was gone. I said to the attending doctor, "No matter what medicine you use, find a way to make my father live past ninety, and I will be at ease." "The doctor told me that usually this condition is only five months.
Indeed, from the day of detection to qingming, it was almost five months. That morning, when my little sister went to the rehabilitation center to change me home, I already had a premonition and took care of my little sister: "If Daddy is not in trouble, notify me immediately." "But when I got the call to rush to the rehabilitation center, it was exactly six o'clock and my father had already closed his eyes. I looked at the old man's body, only silently weeping.
After experiencing my parents' two hospitalizations, critical illness, and until their deaths, I have infinite emotions. In 2014, my mother was unconscious in the "intensive care unit", but she was driven in and out because of medical insurance, and I even said to the hospital: "I pay for all the costs", and the answer was - "No!" We also have no way, this is the rule", and yes, they have no way either.
Four years later, my father was critically ill again. These cold words make me really disappointed in this world, many people regard the lives of ordinary people as grass and mustard, have long been accustomed to it, just as the so-called powerful do everything, the powerless have nothing to do.
Fortunately, I also met a number of well-meaning people, for example, my old classmates helped my mother buy self-funded medicines; a former student, she was a doctor, who helped me a lot when I saw my father, and her colleague, an expert doctor, also helped me a lot. Also, in the case of the hospital's refusal, Dr. Wang, a director of the Shanghai First Rehabilitation Hospital on Hangzhou Road, helped me a lot, and she was a fast-talking doctor. On that day, when my third sister and I sent my father to the rehabilitation center, it was a weekend holiday, and as usual, there was no admission procedure, but seeing my father's appearance, Dr. Wang made an exception and asked his subordinates to go through the admission procedures for him. And in two weeks, my father experienced hospice care.
When I left the rehabilitation home, I learned about its history, its predecessor was the "Sacred Heart Hospital" founded by Mr. Lu Bohong in 1923, and I understood that the spirit of humanity was still there. I am eternally grateful to Dr. Wang and her rehabilitation home.
After experiencing all this, I feel that there is still warmth in the world. However, in the face of the cold so-called "institutional regulations", some people have become cold. Therefore, we can only ask for more blessings.
In the past three years, according to the old times, I should be "removed", although I am not an official, but in these three years, I still follow the old rules, never visit my friends' homes, or even go to see my teacher. I offer festivals twice a year, and on my parents' death day, I cook a few dishes and soak them in the "Big Red Robe"—the tea that my parents liked to drink in their later years. I felt ashamed of my parents all my life: I promised to accompany my mother in retirement, and as a result, my mother left in the year of retirement; told my father that I had quit many jobs that I had suspended, and the article was not written much, but my father went to heaven to find my mother. Only when I saw that they liked to drink the Da Hong Pao and Jin Junmei tea that I sent in their later years did I feel very at ease, and when my mother said to my sister, "This is what your brother brought", I was also happy in my heart. However, "the tree wants to be quiet and the wind is not stopping, and the son wants to raise and not to be kissed", but unfortunately, such a day is too short. A person is busy for the sake of profit, but the parents are getting old day by day, and when they wake up, it is too late.
Now, it's all this damn plague that has stripped me of the right to sacrifice my parents, and I can't even cook a few dishes at home and make a pot of tea to commemorate my parents. The Father does not die, and the troubles are not over; the plague is not removed, and the people are in trouble. I am reminded of Wang Anshi's words in "Crane Forest Yulu": "The sages are not allowed to walk the way, and those who are not good have no way; the unworthy are not allowed to perform rituals, and the nobles are not allowed to be rude." "It has been more than a thousand years, and it is really "the heavens are unchanged, and the Tao is unchanged."
My little sister comforted me: "If Mom and Dad had known underground, they would forgive us." ”
Yes, that's all there is to it. Probably this has been the case throughout the ages, and my father, who is full of ancient books, must have understood me, otherwise, he would not have spoken so much to me that night...
For more than twenty years, every Chinese New Year's Eve night, after eating Chinese New Year's Eve meal, our family of three will go back, and then call home to report that I am safe, and I never accompany my parents. After my mother left, it was usually my sisters who accompanied my father.
On the evening of Chinese New Year's Eve 2019, I knew that my father was running out of days, and I stayed with my father. The two men talked a lot, from his early experience in Hong Kong to his views on some people in reality. He only went to primary school for four years, but he learned advanced mathematics by self-study, and in the year I entered the university in 1977, he also explained a few mathematical problems to me. In the early 1960s, he also obtained a correspondence undergraduate diploma from the Department of Chinese of East China Normal University. He has been able to release the scroll all his life, so his mind is very clear.
My father had read "Zhou Yi" and once taught me to rank "Heaven and Dry Earth Branch" and "Bagua", what "Qian Sanlian, Kun Liu Duan, Away from the Middle Void, Kan Zhongman", he said: "These eight gua remember, you can arrange it yourself, sixty-four gua understand, read the I Ching will be." This is useful for you to read ancient books. "But I learned the former, but in the end I didn't learn the latter. After retirement, I can't learn anything.
Chinese New Year's Eve that night, he said to me, "There are some things that I can't see, and you will definitely see them." Beware of your own children. ”
It was almost midnight, and he still urged me to go home, saying, "You go back quickly, it's very late, you can't sleep here." ”
This is the father, he is already like this, and he thinks of his son.
I finally truly understood the deep meaning of Zhu Ziqing's "Back Shadow".
At the end of that year, some of my father's words came true.
However, I can no longer visit my parents at the tomb this year, which is an unforgettable Qingming Festival.
Heaven and earth are unkind, and all things are dogs. I'm going to curse this damn plague. However, I firmly believe: "Heaven has done evil, but you can live...". The epidemic will always pass, and spring will always come again. If the winter solstice doesn't work, I can only hope to go to my parents next year.