Author | Cush
Source | Ten o'clock smaller
ID | sdikid
Two days ago, Chen Qiao'en officially announced that he had registered his marriage.
Weibo posted a wedding ring, posting: "Simple and not a lot, it is good to have you around." In the blessing, know the blessing ~ thank you for the blessing. ”
The comment area was full of blessings: "I wish my sister a happy new marriage and happiness forever~"
But among the blessings, there are also many harsh sounds.
Some netizens said: "They are all old women in their 40s, and they finally married themselves at an age";
"The boyfriend I am looking for is a scumbag at first glance, and I still have to marry, how much I hate to marry..."
This reminds me of the 40-year-old Lin Xinru officially announced her marriage before, and the comment area was also a similar voice, and even said that her voice of forced marriage was once very loud.
"Old woman", "hate marriage", "forced marriage"...
These words are used in women, and they are really very harsh.
Rich and beautiful stars still have to experience such discrimination and stigma in marriage and love:
It is conceivable that ordinary single women, especially older single women, have to go through much criticism and finger-pointing.
Maybe the term "older leftover women" is considered to be a light degree of harm, what "must be leftovers", "leftover fighters", "qi tian big leftovers"...
These rotten labels are often attached to them with arrogance.
An older single woman
What is facing in today's society?
An older woman who is not married will suffer endless discrimination in the marriage market.
Disliked for being old, being ridiculed as a "leftover", being urged to marry and go on a hunger strike, and even encountering a pig killing plate...
They are under great pressure from those around them and society.
Recently watched a documentary "Refining" Love, the director spent half a year across the country, with 5 30+ single women.
In order to find a partner, some of them pay a large membership fee to the marriage website, participate in offline blind dates, and lurk in the WeChat group of friends...
At the blind date scene, looking at the paper listed their age, hukou, education, income, and assets:
Pinching out a little fingertip, he asked without struggle:
"On this table, there are only the last three or two lines, and the last little bit, which is about myself, my personality, my interest, and the rest are conditions."
Some of them, after round after round of blind dates, sat in the end more and more depressed.
Obviously very good, but under the pressure of people around him and the colored glasses of society for older leftover women:
I had to change my standards again and again, and began to compromise to meet the expectations of my family and society.
I couldn't help but mutter, "How did I leave myself like this?" ”
"They should be single", "They should not be wanted", "who made them look too high"...
These gossip about the so-called leftover women have become the price they have to bear if they choose to be single.
Hongmei, born in 1990, is a North Bleach white collar and is independent in work.
But as soon as she returned to her hometown in Shandong, she was immediately labeled as a "failure" because the older leftover women had not yet married.
Her father even spent ten thousand yuan to find someone to match her.
Because there is an unwritten rule in the blind date market: after a woman is 30, she is not worth much.
There is such a detail in the film, as soon as Hongmei returns home, even the old man who has difficulty in ear back and communication comes to the door to talk about the media.
Just a few days after returning home, wave after wave of media has not been broken.
Many women like Hongmei, in marriage and love, in the blind date market, bear huge age anxiety and marriage anxiety.
Gradually losing the right to speak, I have to put myself on the balance of value, be examined, and be measured.
And the primary value they are measured for is procreation.
"It's useless to look young and have good conditions, it depends on the physiological age."
"If you don't get married and have children right away, you won't be able to have children."
On top of the crisis of leftover women they are carrying, there is also a shackle, that is, the "upper limit crisis" of childbearing age.
Marriage, more like a threshold that must be crossed in order to procreate.
Obviously, for women, childbearing is an actively chosen experience and stage of life.
Why did they rush into marriage?
When we say leftover women, we often say "they can't find a husband."
In fact, many times, it is the women who actively choose the rest.
I have seen some stories of women who choose to be single in the county system.
Like Lin Mou, a civil servant in a town government in Haikou, Hainan, most of the heterosexual marriage talks around her is not out of love, but just wants to complete the life task of getting married and having children as soon as possible.
Such a marriage choice, she felt awkward.
And when her suitor was explicitly rejected, she quickly "married" three months later.
A 30-year-old county teacher, after kissing many times, found:
Unmarried men in the county town will meet with multiple girls at the same time, even if all aspects are very mediocre, they always have more choices, "girls who often play together will meet the same person." ”
For men, "They're just getting old enough to have a baby, and it's you, not you." ”
For many older leftover women, the real situation is not that they have high vision;
Rather, men's sense of superiority in marriage and love choices, nakedly wanting to get married and have children, and rough purposefulness are really prohibitive.
But not everyone can withstand the pressure, many older single women:
Wrapped up in the marriage website to pay money, lower their own standards, hastily enter a marriage.
A divorced single mother in "Refining" Love was in a hurry to flash marriage and gave birth to a daughter.
After marriage, it was found that a lot of the man's information was false, and the money borrowed from her for business was not used for business at all.
Meeting a scumbag is not just the experience of this single mother alone.
Many women, because of the pressure of marriage promotion, hastily entered marriage:
It turned out that the non-good people encountered were scum, PUA, cold violence, widowhood parenting...
Shen Yifei, an associate professor of sociology at Fudan University, has also proposed the concept of "new and old scripts" of love.
In the "old script", men, because they need to participate in hunting, naturally, take an active role in the relationship between the sexes, and women are passive.
In the "new script" of love, more attention is paid to the equality and independence of men and women, based on the mutual attraction of both parties, which need to be run-in and cannot be done once and for all.
But many women are still forced to live in the "old script".
Forced to rely on the current marriage market selection criteria, forced to rush into marriage because of their own marital and childbearing value.
Hong Huang said in "I want to talk about women's self-awareness more than PUA":
"Women are victims of scumbags because we don't value education about girls' self-esteem and confidence.
A colleague of mine often said to her daughter, you see you are fat now, you can't marry out later.
In traditional Chinese consciousness, women existed dependent on men.
A very important project we have to do is to make women have a sense of independence. ”
When women have a sense of independence, they will not be kidnapped by values such as marriage and love, childbirth, etc.
Face up to your own subjective choices and values as a woman and an individual.
Marriage is for happiness
Single too
Two days ago, Jolin Tsai responded in an interview that she had no new relationship:
"Whether there is a new relationship or not, you must have the feeling of happiness that you bring to yourself."
The happiness brought by others is like celebrating a party, and there is always a time for someone to come home after the end. ”
Indeed, many women are now aware of:
Being single or independent is not something that should be picked up.
Being single is also for your own present and future happiness.
They are already good enough that there is no need to rush into the life of widowhood marriage and widowhood for the sake of so-called standards and men who are not so good at the moment.
As an independent woman in "Refining" Love put it:
"I still have several male messages lying in WeChat that have not been replied to, if you are not more interesting than my life, why should I take care of you?"
It's true that women don't have to be sorry for being single anymore.
It's nice to get married and have children, but when you don't meet the right person:
It is better to be brave and soberly single, jump out of the shackles of "getting married early and having children", and find a richer value in life.
In the past year, the age of first-time married women in many places has been postponed to 30+.
This data hopes to give some encouragement to some women who want to step into, but have not stepped into marriage for the time being.
Single or late, it's all for happiness.
When you meet the right people, take an equal posture and work hard; if you don't meet them, enjoy the current life.
As expressed in the documentary "Leftover Women, Sheng Women":
If you bloom, the breeze will come.
At the same time, the breeze does not come, and you bloom on your own.
Not under the influence of social concepts, not under the impetus of external pressure:
Hurriedly into marriage, let the marriage from the nest of love into a trap.
In addition, I hope that men, especially the fathers and male elders in the family:
Also better understand single women and stop hurting them with discriminatory and stigmatizing terms.
Life is not just a one-line life timeline of growing, getting married, and having children.
No matter what kind of life a woman has at the moment, whether she is single or married, there will be another life waiting for her in the future.
Expect to see more women, whether single or married, truly embracing happiness.
Click "watching" and hope that every woman can have the freedom to choose when to marry and have children.
Author | Cush, Source: Little Ten Points (ID: sdikid), Introduction: Professional and Practical Parenting Dry Goods, Bedtime Stories, Parent-Child Reading, Beauty Mom Promotion, Selected Good Things. Little ten o'clock, care about the child, more concerned about the mother.
Anchor | Ten o'clock anchor.
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