A few days ago, a video on the Internet caused a hot discussion.
At a high-speed rail station in Henan, a couple with their children are waiting for the train.
Suddenly, the child ran to the tracks of the high-speed rail station and accidentally fell into the gap in the tracks.
It was about to depart and the situation was critical.
The child's mother saw that she was frightened, and without hesitation, she jumped off the platform and lifted the child up.
Picture @VISTA look at the world
The father on the side also found out, and came to the scene and loudly reprimanded his wife:
"You don't look after the child, what are you doing?"
Figure @ Times Horizon
The child's mother did not argue, but whispered "I'm sorry."
The father held the child and turned away, completely ignoring his wife, who had not yet recovered from the fright.
This father did not save the child at the first time, but blamed.
Obviously, he was also present, but he pushed all the faults on his wife.
Many netizens said that this father was not responsible and was too selfish.
In fact, this situation is all too common.
Subconsciously, many people feel that taking care of children is a natural thing for mothers.
Good care is taken for granted; poor care is incompetent.
Many mothers live under this double standard.
Hidden behind it is the unseen forbearance and the suffocation of nowhere to be released.
There is a kind of heartache
Called pseudo-single mother
What is a pseudo-single mother?
Baidu Encyclopedia's explanation is:
"There is a spouse, but the husband is away from home for a long time, or extremely lack of communication with the family, which forms a family phenomenon in which the mother and the child are usually dependent on each other and estranged from the husband."
To put it more broadly, there is no father in the distribution of parenting responsibilities.
Ming Ming got married and became a family, but lived as a single mother.
I've seen a strange news before.
A couple in Chongqing, Fengzi married, after giving birth to a child, his wife stayed at home full-time.
When the child was born, the husband was very excited and busy in the hospital.
After returning home for confinement, my husband began to be unable to stand it.
He once complained to a friend:
"It's so complicated to take a child, my scalp tingles when I cry."
Since then, it has been the mother-in-law who has been helping to take care of the children.
Because the father-in-law was unwell, when the child was more than 1 year old, the mother-in-law returned to her hometown.
As soon as the mother-in-law left, the husband said that the company had received several large projects and was very busy.
The wife expressed understanding.
Every day the husband didn't leave work until 10 p.m., and he slept alone in the guest bedroom.
This state lasted for more than 3 months.
During this period, it has been the wife who takes care of the children, is busy with housework, and is tired of skills.
Until one day, she met the wife of a colleague and learned from the conversation that her husband's company was not busy.
Back home, she confronts her husband, who promises to leave work on time.
After leaving work on time, her husband went into the study after eating, saying that he was still busy with work.
The wife found that the husband was hiding in the room playing games...
On holidays, the husband also uses the excuse to be busy with work, or often stay in the bathroom.
In short, try to avoid the responsibility of carrying children.
There is even rhetoric: you should be full-time with children.
Only to forget, he is also the father of the child.
I have a friend who was also deeply stung when he was with the baby full time.
Once she casually complained of a low back pain, and her husband said:
"You are at home with children, don't you enjoy the blessings, how can you repay this pain and that pain?"
In his eyes, having children is a pleasure.
As everyone knows, behind it is the hard work of bringing babies 24 hours a day throughout the year.
Perhaps the saddest thing in marriage is that children seem to have nothing to do with the husband.
What is even more helpless is that even if the mother carries everything, she still cannot escape the harsh responsibility.
Mom
Always be the child's back cooker
With kids, what's the phrase you hate the most?
Probably: How do you.
In the process of parenting, all the responsibility is piled on the mother.
Therefore, the mother has also become the child's back pot man.
The child is disobedient, blaming the mother for not educating well;
The child's learning is not good, it is the mother who does not manage well;
The child is sick and the mother does not take good care of it;
……
Even in many parenting numbers, the influence of mothers on children is often emphasized.
As for men, it is often easy to get praise.
Cooking and doing housework is a good husband; taking the children out to play is a good father.
I once watched an interview where my mother was aggrieved and said:
"The husband carried the child to the neighborhood for a walk, and he was madly praised as a good father."
I was busy at home to the point where my hair exploded, but my husband dissed was a mother with poor housework skills. ”
Mom gave everything she could, but she couldn't beat Dad's occasional hug.
Even the same full-time, men and women have double standards.
The other day, I saw a news.
A door-to-door son-in-law in Zhejiang, because the work is relatively idle, chose to take the baby at home.
To this end, his mother-in-law also gave him a subsidy of 10,000 yuan per month.
Some of the full-time dads around me are also paid 10,000-20,000 yuan per month by their wives.
Stay-at-home dads, paid babies, and will also receive a lot of praise.
Stay-at-home moms, unpaid and without rest, also face harsh criticism from the whole family.
In contrast, it is really helpless.
Sometimes, the accusations that fall on the body are even the last straw that crushes the mother.
In 2019, there was a tragedy in Sichuan.
A 27-year-old mother, with her 4-year-old son and 2-year-old twin son, committed suicide by jumping into the river.
Her suicide note on earth is overwhelmed.
After giving birth to the twins, she did not sleep a whole night, and she could bear it.
The pressure of taking care of three children, she can also understand.
However, in the end, she did not bear the blame that surged around her:
"Every time no matter what happens, as long as the doll is sick or something happens, the first responsibility must be me."
Picture @ Red Star News
Underneath these voices, she became self-denying.
She said that she was not a good mother, had no ability, and could not even carry the most basic baby.
Gradually, she felt that she and her children had become a burden for everyone.
Therefore, it is forbidden to die.
Some say she's too vulnerable and too selfish.
But who can see that she is overwhelmed, and her thoughts are in ashes.
No one in this world loves her children more than a mother.
Every mother is also doing her best to give time and energy to take care of her children.
Once something happens to the child, the mother is also more guilty than anyone.
No one has the right to blame a mother if they don't help with the baby.
Mom with baby
More praise is needed
Some people say that happy couples are exaggerated.
The same applies to parenting.
For most women, taking care of their families is willing, even if they are tired.
The point is that the effort must be seen, and not doing well enough can be understood.
Praise is a way of seeing.
I have a colleague's mom who often doesn't skimp on praising some young moms:
"You bring your child so well, how good your child is."
Although it is a very short sentence, the deep meaning behind it is: mother pays behind the scenes.
Huo Qigang also did a particularly good job of this.
When he first ran for elections, he had little time to spend with his family because of his busy work and stress.
The responsibility of taking care of the children also fell on Guo Jingjing.
For this reason, Huo Qigang was very grateful.
He once posted that he was most grateful to his wife, Guo Jingjing, for taking good care of her three children.
Guo Jingjing paid silently behind his back, and he looked at it all.
This importance is precious to mothers.
The praise from the heart of the partner is also the support in the process of raising a baby.
I remember the first year I gave birth to my child, and the child was often in and out of the hospital.
Seeing the small difference of children jumping around alive, white and fat, I am very guilty of self-blame.
For a while, I was deeply depressed.
When the child's father found out, he kept comforting me and told me that I was doing a good job.
Under this positive feedback, I became more and more positive and slowly came out of the haze.
The power of praise is far greater than we think.
Of course, the praise that mothers need is not "great" or "motherly".
The praise that mothers need is to praise the hard work and credit in the process of parenting.
It is not perfect, and it will not be respected for blame.
Affirming the value of women in the family begins with seeing and affirming their efforts.
There was once a hot topic:
"Husband gives you 110,000 a month, but don't go home, are you willing?"
The comment area at the bottom is basically willing.
Why?
Because for many women, the husband is the same when he is not at home.
Even at home, there is one more person to serve.
I thought marriage was a harbor and a refuge, but in the end it became a shackle.
In fact, sometimes it is not because of not loving, but because one party forgets to bear it.
A family needs the joint support of both husband and wife.
While making money to support the family, you also have to bear the family chores.
In particular, many women can now hold up half the sky and are also fighting for careers.
If men are still outside the family affairs, they use busy work as an excuse to escape by socializing.
Women's grievances are getting deeper and deeper, there is nowhere to release grievances, and feelings will slowly dissipate.
The balance of the family will eventually be out of balance.
A happy family must be seen by the mother, the father has to give, and the child is accepted.
Family has never been the responsibility of the mother alone.
I hope that my fellow men will be able to shoulder family responsibilities to the best of their ability.
I hope that all mothers, in the process of parenting, can be less harsh on themselves.