Author | Shinobu
Image | Internet
Two-child families, how to flatten a bowl of water?
This problem not only bothers many new parents, but also troubles many new parents.
Recently, the well-known host Zhu Dan rarely shared the concept of marriage and parenting experience, she shared the hardships and difficulties of taking care of children in the video, which caused many netizens to watch and discuss.
01
The biggest sadness in the second-born family is the concession of the boss
Zhu Dan, who has just been promoted to the mother of the second child, is mixed.
Since giving birth to her second child, it is not easy for her to keep her baby at home while busy with her career.
She said that now the second child's younger brother is cared for by her aunt, and the eldest daughter sleeps with herself.
Every morning the 1-year-old brother would come to wake up his sister, but the way to wake up was not friendly.
Every time, the little guy would lie on his sister's body and pull her hair, and once he really pulled down two of them, and adults felt pain, not to mention children.
Although the sister spoils her brother, she will also feel aggrieved and sad.
Not only that, but the naughty brother always pinches the younger brother, which is a big harm for a 4-year-old child.
In this regard, my mother was also distressed: "My brother always pinches my sister, and I am very sad for her." ”
Zhu Dan also joked in the video that one of the most frequent words of his sister was "You should educate your brother." ”
This made Zhu Dan, a mother, begin to reflect, when it is more difficult for the mother of the second child than the host, how to carry water to balance between the two children?
Therefore, in desperation, Zhu Dan had to ask everyone in front of the screen for advice, how to alleviate the small friction between the two children and carry out correct guidance.
Some netizens said: "Sometimes the sister lets the younger brother because she sees the adult spoiling the younger brother and does not dare to touch the younger brother." ”
One sentence exposes the hidden pain of the eldest in the second-child family.
I believe that many second-child families, after the birth of the second child, Dabao seems to have suddenly matured.
As everyone knows, how much of this is the boss's forbearance and concessions.
Some children use their understanding to "please their parents" and gain attention; some children have to play the role of "understanding" under the majesty of their parents.
The cruel truth of the second-child family is hidden in the boss.
We always use "you are a sister/brother, you have to let your brother/sister" to "force" Dabao to back down. Obviously, the eldest is only a child, but he is forced to take care of the role.
This injustice and grievance, the boss is also difficult to bear.
David · Frost once said:
"You're a parent, and when you have two kids, you're a referee."
Parents should understand that humility is not tolerance, and fairness is not partiality.
No matter how old the eldest is, it is also a child, and it should also enjoy equal love from parents, and they also need care and trust.
02
Don't let eccentricity ruin your child's happiness in life
How much favor there is, how much it hurts.
Jane Nelson, a prominent American educator, said:
"Two children must be treated equally so that one child does not form a victim mentality and the other does not form a bullying mentality."
The pain caused by parental eccentricity will not only ruin the child's childhood, but also ruin the child's life.
There was a hot search topic on Weibo # How much parents can be eccentric #, with 220 million reads and 39,000 comments.
One netizen shared his experience:
Because she is an older sister, she has had conflicts with her brother since she was a child, and it is always herself who is beaten;
Parents always give their share to their brother, and even when they grow up, they are asked to work hard to earn money to buy a house for their brother...
Across the screen can feel her deep sense of despair and powerlessness, when will the modern version of "Fan Shengmei' experience be suspended?
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said:
"A person's sense of existence comes from his feelings being seen by another person."
Even if you are excellent and work hard, you are not as good as your younger siblings and parents.
"Does Kong Rong let the pear still use me to say?"
"After all, he/she is small."
"You're a sister, of course you have to let your brother/sister."
"He's still young", should he "let" for a lifetime?
This kind of eccentricity not only allows children to bear responsibilities that do not belong to them early, but also makes children live in insecurity all their lives, and then panic and cannot be obtained.
A wise parent will not favor one over the other according to their own preferences, and they will not impose their responsibilities on the "boss", but let the children feel that their parents are fair, respectful, concerned and valued.
American educational psychologist Jane Nelson points out:
Two children should be treated equally, so that one child will not form a "victim" mentality, and the other will not form a "bullying" mentality. What matters is not what you do, but your gesture.
Therefore, if parents are not biased, what is important is not what parents think in their hearts, but how children see it.
How children look at it is the usual practice of parents.
03
How should parents level a bowl of water?
American psychotherapist Susan Foward said:
"The ideas held by wise, mature, caring parents take into account the feelings and needs of each member of the family."
Only when parents can lean down and pay attention to their children's feelings and demands can they know how to treat their children as equals.
It is not advocated that one party must give way to the other
Actor Hu Ke once took a detour on the road of educating children.
Like many Chinese parents, she believes that it is natural for her brother to be big and younger to be small, and for her brother to let his brother go. However, one thing touched her fiercely.
Once, when she found that when two children were fighting, her brother pinched his brother fiercely, and she killed his brother as usual.
But what she did not expect was that the criticized brother went around behind his brother's dining chair and said a word:
"I'm so miserable now, I've all been killed by you!"
She was shocked to hear this sentence, but also reflected on her own way of education.
Later, when the two brothers had conflicts again, Hu Ke would pay attention to his brother's emotions and no longer ask his brother to let his brother, but let them solve it by themselves.
The parents' impartiality has made the brothers' feelings better and better, and they have become enviable good brothers.
Refuse to compare in person
Two children will have different personality characteristics because of age, gender, interests, etc., and what parents have to do is to tap into the child's strengths and encourage them to amplify.
Do not compare two children, so that not only will not make the poor performance of the child become better, will make him dissatisfied with the other sibling, and even produce a sense of favor and hostility.
Do not compare children, be good at encouraging and praising them, so that they feel the natural flow of love from their parents and become a unique self.
Don't overdo it for "fairness"
There is no absolute fairness in this world, if parents excessively pursue fairness for two children, it will make the children become calculated, and the last little loss will be reluctant to eat.
At the same time, tell your child that fairness is not the same as "exactly the same."
"Today my sister practiced the piano at night, and my sister practiced pen writing at night." The difference is also fair.
It is necessary for parents to help their children understand that under certain rules, different behaviors will occur, and differential treatment is not unfair, but based on different stages and abilities to make plans.
End