The Beijing Winter Olympics are over, and Gu Ailing has completed the third competition of this Winter Olympic Games, winning a gold medal for the Chinese team again!
In fact, she had already locked in the gold medal in advance in the second round of the competition, which made me sigh not only about her gold medal, but that she was too stable!
This is not only the strength, but also the victory of psychological quality, her two sets of flowing, light and silky movements, let us feel that she is here to show herself, by the way to get a gold medal!
But in fact, at this moment, her body has been superimposed with the gold medal expectations of brands, officials, and the public, and she has been brushing the title of "genius girl" for several days, in this case, she is still relaxed and has no sense of pressure at all.
Looking back a few days ago on February 15, Gu Ailing slope obstacle course final, in the second jump, there was a mistake, fell on the snow, only scored 16.8 points. At that time, she did not panic, but played perfectly in the third jump and got a super high score.
In the end, she only won the silver medal with a good result of only 0.3 points away from the first place in the overall score, achieving a stunning reversal.
Netizens said that I was too nervous to do it, but Gu Ailing was relaxed all the way, and in the case of mistakes, she not only played stably, but also ate leek boxes and constantly made grimaces at the camera.
Netizens sighed, I see how she is more nervous than her game! My mental quality is really poor.
Some netizens also found that Gu Ailing, who participated in the Olympic Games, even surfed the Internet between the two rounds of competitions, sent Valentine's Day wishes to everyone, and then went to the competition.
So not afraid of pressure and attention, easy to cope with, the Olympic Games she really came to play!
From the perspective of our ordinary people, she has been preparing for the Olympic Games for so long, and she should be particularly "serious and desperate", for fear of failing the various people, people and officials who bet on her... Her grades are too important.
However, she is still herself, and there is not a single "gold medal kidnapping" on her body. How do you get such a heart? Today, I will use the "small ruler" of an ordinary person's heart to figure out what great "equipment" is in her "big heart".
01
"Self-awareness" and "ease"
Let's start with the young people around us. In the past few years, I have found that most of the young people around me have a tendency to become more and more socially fearful.
According to an online survey, young people today already have a clear trend of social degradation:
If you can WeChat, you will never call;
Can talk online is definitely not offline;
Absolutely no video that can voice;
Many people even have phone phobia, as long as the phone rings, they will struggle with whether to answer or not, and will be afraid.
Even in the face of strangers in social situations can talk, many people are just "fake social", in fact, completely uncomfortable, when they go home feel that they are hollowed out, they feel that a person is the most comfortable and unrestrained.
If you're in a situation like this too, you can focus on the concept I want to come up with, "excessive self-awareness."
In socializing, if you are always aware of the existence of the "self", which is like a radar, always collecting the opinions of the people next to you on you; you can't concentrate on talking or understanding others in social life, but always pay attention to what others say about you, then you can say that you have "excessive self-awareness".
Such a person, once placed in a place that may be evaluated by others, will feel uncomfortable - whether or not it is really "evaluated", as long as there is a possibility of being evaluated, it will feel uncomfortable.
This excessive self-awareness makes people aware of their own existence all the time, and they are still afraid that their performance will be good in the eyes of others, so you can't really enjoy the state of socializing.
A few people will also have a "spotlight effect", feeling like they are being spotted by the spotlight in the crowd, as if they are in the center of the stage, and others are looking at themselves and evaluating themselves.
To give an easy-to-understand example, you have a new haircut, go to work with discomfort, and assume that your colleagues will pay special attention to you and judge you.
It turns out that you find that no one even notices that you have a new haircut. After you reminded, someone realized, but immediately paid attention to something else.
Maybe you'll still be a little disappointed.
This incident presents that there may be deviations between "self-centered" consciousness and real states in real social interactions.
From the case of hair modification, we can replace it with social scenes such as parties, in fact, the same is true, during the party, some people always regret that their "performance" is not good, but in fact, everyone pays more attention to themselves, and no one will think carefully about your performance.
Therefore, the discomfort in social interaction comes from a kind of "unrealistic imagination", thinking that people may evaluate you, but that is actually only caused by your own inner worry that you may be evaluated!
Why do you amplify the eyes of others around you, and even fantasize about possible evaluations, especially negative ones?
Maybe it all started on that day, when you were 10 years old, it snowed, you felt new, happy to climb to the edge of the window to get ice to eat, your mother said, you a girl let others see what it looks like,
Maybe it all started from that day, when you were 13 years old, you wanted to wear exaggerated earrings, and your mother said that you dressed yourself up so young, and looked like a bad girl.
Maybe it all started on that day, when you were 15 years old and you were obsessed with learning rock climbing archery, and your mother said, why don't you study well and spend your time on it? Have you finished your homework?
……
Originally, we only have a healthy sense of self, aware of our own needs, and want to do something, which reveals our true likes and dislikes;
But then we realized that we have to consider the permission of others, and when we have "excessive self-awareness", that is, we realize a "self in social evaluation", this self and inner impulse, so we separate under the requirements of the environment, and finally we will pay more attention to the evaluation of others and live.
When we grow up, when this kind of habitual thinking makes us do something, the "self" becomes a person who "looks east and west", feeling "what I want to do", feeling "I can't do it", and watching "what others are thinking".
Over time, it becomes a habit that causes us to lose the most efficient way of living— the urge to sing and dance when we're happy —only to habitually test what my behavior will make others think, and do I meet the requirements of others, or even my own high demands (that external demand has been internalized to ourselves)?
Many so-called socially fearful young people, not really afraid, in fact, tired, because in social, sensitive detection of too many people's gaze expectations and requirements, and our inner evaluation of others can not stop, so because of pressure, uncomfortable, resulting in social psychological costs are too high.
Why do you think Gu Ailing is healthy when you see her?
Because she doesn't have an environment detector.
When everyone is throwing huge gold medal expectations, her "environmental detector" is insensitive, at least she will not deliberately perceive that expectation, she is still self-centered, she first perceives whether I have done my best, whether my movements have reached my level.
This led to her playing when she was her own game, not for the brand and the official, the public to see, but to fight for herself. There must be pressure, but it's not a deformed interpersonal pressure at all, just a healthy race pressure.
This reminds me of some scenes in Gu Ailing's video that look like this:
When Gu Ailing was 13 years old, she climbed trees on a snowy day, climbed the house to eat big ice, and almost got hit by a big lump of ice, and her mother helped her take a video by the window, laughing and saying, "You see she is in the upper room again, she has been like this since she was a child."
When Gu Ailing wore suspenders, large earrings, and a personalized crop top to make up for classes in Haidian Huangzhuang, she stood out among a large number of school uniform children, and in the graduation photo, she was playful and playful, and she could be seen at a glance.
Gu Ailing fell in love with the dangerous sport of skiing, and her mother wanted to stop it too late, the only thing she did was not to go to the scene to see it, so as not to worry about her heart, but still in a few years, every weekend to drive back and forth for 8 hours to train, to support her choice.
Her mom (the most important environment to grow up) kept telling her wordlessly that "you can do whatever you want without caring about the permission and evaluation of others." ”
If we grow up, our hearts have this kind of encouragement, we will also become more pure to do our own things, happy and relaxed, winning and losing only about ourselves.
Commonly known as having a strong heart.
When the audience is still afraid that she will not get the gold medal, Gu Ailing is eating pie easily, even watching the game, the pressure on Gu Ailing has activated the audience's inner environment detector, allowing us to project our own fear of failure and the fear of being evaluated, but Gu Ailing herself has no feeling, she only has the impulse to do a good job.
This is typical of healthy self-awareness, with less internal friction and a high level of efficiency to focus on how to do something to achieve self-actualization, rather than focusing on the self itself.
Second, a healthy sense of self that does not allow oneself to be arbitrarily evaluated.
In her interview, she expressed that the people who didn't like me had nothing to do with me. Dislike me for some reason not understanding my kindness. All I can say is regret.
You see, even though she's exposed to negative evaluations by others, the attitude she adopts toward those who question her is "nothing to do with me".
This is called "subject separation" in psychologist Adler, your ideas are yours, my ideas are mine, and everyone completes their own projects.
She separates the evaluation of who she is and others, and this line is clearly drawn, and only people who are very confident and powerful inside can not be easily shaken by negative evaluations from the outside world.
On the contrary, some people are sensitive to negative evaluations, which can only explain what?
It shows that you have a bunch of negative emotions in your heart, so the external negative evaluation can always quickly connect with your inner feelings of inferiority and fear, and activate the old experience in your memory. It can be seen that to achieve true "subject separation", what is needed is a relatively sunny and independent heart.
Third, a strong psychological quality requires strong vitality.
How does a tree grow? It is necessary to continuously obtain nutrients from the outside world for soil, sunlight, rain and dew, and at the same time, there is no external force to break the branches and leaves, so the branches can grow unrestrained.
The leafy branches make the tree more capable of developing roots, stretching the leaf photosynthesis, and thus more capable of absorbing more nutrient dew and supporting upward growth.
The vigorous appearance of this last tree is the embodiment of the whole life force.
Man is also a tree. Optimism is the embodiment of vitality, but also needs energy support.
Optimism can not come out of thin air, only by constantly achieving a virtuous circle, feeling success from life, and being encouraged and supported, can there be more energy to become more successful, so it will be more optimistic.
That is to say, your strong heart is required to function well in life and to be optimistic and positive about life itself.
02
What is "competition"?
Gu Ailing's strength also lies in her tolerance of friends and companions reflected in the "competitive" relationship.
When she won the first gold medal, she did not rush to celebrate, but first went to comfort the opponent who did not play well, and her heart-warming move once again made her on the hot search.
At the same time, she also said in the interview that she hopes that everyone who competes with me will play at the best level, and she said that the reason why I like to ski is because every round is constantly comparing with myself, making my best moves, playing the best of myself, and then comparing with others, I also hope that others will play better, then I will also be inspired to challenge myself with more difficult moves.
If a strong heart just wants to succeed and others fail, it is not strong enough, and the really strong heart is full of the spirit of community.
What we call success today refers specifically to competitive victory, "I win, you lose." But there are other people's failures in this success, so the more you succeed, the more you crush others, the more you feel a sense of "separation" from others, and such successes eventually become the failure of interpersonal relationships.
For example, I heard a very sad statement from a visitor, who himself was a very good student who had grown up all the way and is now in a prestigious school, but he was unhappy and depressed. She said, "In fact, I found out from junior high school that all the children with better grades in the key middle schools around me may be similar to me, exquisite egoists and a little depressed." ”
She said I don't have friends because I know they're all competitors, so I don't dare to tell the truth, and I know they do the same to me.
Only emphasizing comparative advantage, competitive relations, human vitality will be exhausted, because it emphasizes "one trades and the other", without success is failure, everything is driven by the fear of failure.
Because there is no "sense of belonging to interpersonal relationships", many people who emphasize competition are very successful, but they are very unhappy, but they feel very lonely and helpless.
The success of the truly powerful is based on interpersonal relationships, in the community with others, there is both competition, but also feel that we are stimulating each other, moving forward together, is a love collective, in the interpersonal relationship that nourishes life, people can often get a higher motivation for development.
This is the end of relationships and the end of success.
This view is exactly what Adler said in detail in his book Inferiority and Transcendence, when he says:
"Some people's motivation for success is to transcend inferiority, use competitive advantages to find superiority, and compensate for their lack of intrinsic value." This is a biased interpersonal attitude.
"The terrible thing about competition is that even if you are not a loser, even if you have always been invincible, people in the middle of competition will be uneasy for a moment and do not want to become a loser. And in order not to be a loser, you must always win and not trust others.
The reason why many people have achieved social success but do not feel happy is because they have been living in competition, because they see the world as a danger to the enemy. ”
"If you can appreciate that everyone is my partner, then your view of the world will be very different."
Adler – "Inferiority and Transcendence"
Finally, I would like to say that it seems that Gu Ailing's "having a strong heart" is "good psychological quality", but in fact, it is a victory of "values".
She has taken the values that we have "heard but never lived" into a realistic version, and now she has achieved the face of an Olympic champion that we all like.
What's that like? Just looking at her, it seems that we are also beginning to feel that gold medals are not so important, that it is most important to do our best and satisfy ourselves, and that it is even happier if we enjoy the game with our peers!
I hope that more Chinese children and the inner children of adults can also find the feeling of finding a real "strong" as soon as possible, and this feeling is true love:
"When you are with a person (with yourself) you can be unrestrained, you can experience love."
Finally, thank you Grandpa Adler for the inspiration I wrote this article.
Some of the above ideas come from a book that explains Adler's psychological theory, "The Courage to Be Hated", and the classic book "Inferiority and Transcendence" written by Adler himself.
Finding truly strong self-confidence and finding relationships that are in harmony with our inner "selves" will help us find better relationships.
Author: Miss Mushroom Aunt, Promoter of Situational Healing Writing, Founder of Mushroom Psychological Self-Study Room. National second-level psychological counselor, a number of media psychological column signed authors, a deeply rooted writer, has published the book "While Anxiety, While Growing" This article is reproduced from the public account Miss Mushroom Aunt and has been authorized.