Curated / Master
Written by / Master, Miranda
Professional support / Miranda
Editors / KY Creators
Recently, when we were chatting with friends, we talked about "showing weakness". We have found that many people associate weakness with "green tea" behavior, and even think that as long as they show weakness, it is "green tea".
For example, when a girl can't unscrew the bottle cap, ask the boy friends around her to help; know what they can do, but let the object do it; the problem that they can solve with some effort, but they have to "trouble" their friends...
When we discussed, we found that, first of all, when many people use the word "green tea", they immediately make judgments after seeing superficial behavior, showing that they are highly skilled in recognizing people, and completely ignoring the true thoughts and emotions of others. This kind of casual labeling should not have been advocated.
But there is a fundamental difference between showing weakness and "green tea". Showing weakness is actually an acceptance of one's true state of mind, and it is also an important skill in interpersonal communication.
Why? Today we will discuss with you, what is the matter of showing weakness? What are the skills that can be learned in the matter of showing weakness?
Showing weakness is actually an act of showing others "the state of their own need for help." But it is widely believed that asking for help from others means that we are really incompetent, and that we may be rejected, ridiculed, and lose the initiative, so we are reluctant to show weakness to others.
But this worry is superfluous.
Bruk et al. proposed the beautiful mess effect in 2018 to describe the phenomenon in which people have very different views and evaluations of their own and others' weak behavior.
The study found that people tend to make relatively negative evaluations of their weak selves and pay more attention to the negative aspects of their vulnerability. When describing the weakness of others, people will pay more attention to its positive aspects, and the evaluation will be more positive.
On the other hand, when friends take the initiative to ask us for help or pour out their feelings, we do not think that the other party is incompetent, but think that this behavior is "very real" and "very brave", willing to sincerely help; and will feel that the other party treats himself as a friend, and the relationship may be better.
So, when we really need help, what we need to do is be brave enough to open ourselves up to others. The premise of this is that we can be aware of our shortcomings and bravely accept it.
And in some cases, the person who shows weakness is not really weak, nor is it really impossible to solve the problem alone.
For example, when my road-obsessed friend is with me, he will give me the "trouble" of recognizing the road on the grounds of "I am a road-fool, you are more aware of the road", and let me take him with me. And when I asked him what to do alone, he said he could look at the navigation.
In this case, it is not that he is incapable of going to a certain place by himself, but by actively exposing his vulnerability and affirming that the other party is better than himself, he chooses to rely on the other party.
Dependence, on the other hand, is actually a normal need in relationships. Being able to honestly show weakness to the other party means that we not only face up to our own shortcomings, but also face up to the real demands of our own inner desire to rely on others, and show them.
Showing weakness is "I really need you, or your help", and the "green tea" behavior that everyone hates is to use the other party as a resource and use others to achieve their own goals.
So we say that weakness is an important state of self, whether we really need help from others or just want to rely on them to some extent. When we show weakness, we are real, self-accepting, and react to the real needs of the heart.
When we really need help, the act of taking the initiative to show weakness is also a signal to "ask for support". Keep yourself open, let competent people know we need help, and signal to others that "I am accessible."
In the process of asking each other for help, we will gradually deepen our relationship with each other. Benjamin Franklin said, "If you want to make a friend, ask him to do you a favor." "Doesn't the acquaintance between many friends begin with each other's troubles?"
For people who are accustomed to being strong, when we want to take on everything alone, we are actually putting ourselves to an impossible height and closing the "channel" for others to approach us. For example, a girl needs to carry two large 20-kilogram suitcases downstairs by herself, and it will be very difficult and time-consuming to do it by herself. If you ask for help from others at this time, you will be able to complete the task of carrying luggage more efficiently while establishing a connection with others.
Research has also shown that proactively seeking advice and help from others can improve job performance and satisfaction (Brooks et al., 2015). It can deepen the connection with others and improve work efficiency, so why not?
On the other hand, properly showing weakness can better balance the power dynamics in the relationship.
A partner who is "perfect" in all aspects and does a better job than us makes people yearn for it at the same time, but also easy to make people feel inferior. At this time, the common growth in the relationship becomes the pursuit of one person to another. Over time, we feel stressed and feel too weak, which affects our relationship.
And if the stronger side of the relationship can show weakness appropriately, we will realize, "He is not perfect, he is just an ordinary person, and he has weaknesses like me." "In this way, both of them are honest and weak, and they will also have a stronger sense of connection." (There is a suitability called "entitlement status appropriateness.") The study of wanting to be evenly matched love quick poke found that if you want to love for a long time, you have to meet your opponent. | what constitutes a love that is evenly matched? ）
Studies have also confirmed that self-exposure is positively correlated with trust, affection, and closeness (Wheeless & Grotz, 1977; Collins & Miller, 1994; Sprecher et al., 2013). And self-exposure includes weakness.
Although showing weakness can bring us many benefits, showing weakness at will will only make people disgusted. So, how to show weakness so as not to be offensive and to enhance the relationship between each other? We give some tips:
（Norman, 2017）
1. Choose the right person and place
Not all of us can show vulnerability, especially when these vulnerabilities are extremely hidden weaknesses for us. So when showing weakness, choose people who are worth making friends with or who are important in themselves, and choose a place that can relax and have a certain amount of privacy.
2. Don't push too hard
Sometimes we finally find an opportunity to expose ourselves and vent our long-suppressed emotions along with them. Such exaggerated or mixed expressions of emotion can make it difficult for the recipient to digest and understand, not to mention comfort and help.
Therefore, when we show weakness, we should try to focus on a point, so that the accepting party is easy to understand, and you can also pass on your feelings to the other party very bluntly, so that the other party can feel your honesty and courage.
3. Use emotive words to express emotions
Emotional exposure is important in showing weakness, and sometimes we seem to be showing shortcomings, but we are actually expressing emotions. So you can use more emotional words, add some adjectives (tragic, exciting), verbs (crush, betrayal, rescue), and even some mood words, all of which are of great help to the expression of feelings.
These small differences in wording and tone can convey your mood well and make it easier for the listener to understand and empathize with the vulnerabilities you share.
4. Pay attention to boundaries and don't over-share
Although others do not judge us for showing weakness, weakness without boundaries does not make a good impression, and it is unlikely to become an interpersonal skill (especially at work).
Studies have shown that when people repeatedly expose negative information about themselves, friends dislike them more and their partners do not provide more support (Forest et al., 2014).
A "good show of weakness" should be to express their own needs while expressing their own difficulties, rather than disregarding all the bottom cards, squatting on the ground, waiting for the sympathy and support of the other party.
A "good show of weakness" phrase should look like this
5. Weakness is mutual
When we show vulnerability to others, we expect them to give us comfort, support, and encouragement. But to truly build a relationship, reciprocity is needed.
If the other person helps us when we are most vulnerable, comforts us, and always accompanies us who are vulnerable. Then, on the other hand, when the other party chooses to be honest with us when they are vulnerable, this is actually a signal and opportunity for the other party to trust us and establish a real connection.
Ky authors say:
As a person who does not easily show weakness in life and work, I think what we need to do is to be brave, try to overcome those fears that do not actually exist, face up to their true demands, find someone who can be trusted, and slowly express their ideas. We will gradually realize that we can actually connect with others in a way that opens ourselves up, and people are willing to accept our vulnerability.
When we no longer try to maintain a perfect persona and dare to show our true shortcomings and vulnerabilities to others, we truly embrace ourselves and embrace more sincere and deeper interpersonal relationships.
May we all show weakness with peace of mind.
Interaction today: Will you be strong or weak in life? Share with us some of your thoughts on weakness and your tips in life
References：
Brooks, A. W., Gino, F., & Schweitzer, M. E. (2015). Smart People Ask for (My) Advice: Seeking Advice Boosts Perceptions of Competence.Management Science, 61(6), 1421–1435.
Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192–205.
Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457–475.
Forest, A. L., Kille, D. R., Wood, J. V., & Holmes, J. G. (2014). Discount and disengage: How chronic negative expressivity undermines partner responsiveness to negative disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 107(6), 1013–1032.
Norman, M. (2017, January 18).8 Practical Steps for Demonstrating Vulnerability (Especially for Men). Matt Norman. https://www.mattnorman.com/demonstrating-vulnerability/
Sprecher, S., Treger, S., & Wondra, J. D. (2012). Effects of self-disclosure role on liking, closeness, and other impressions in get-acquainted interactions. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(4), 497–514.
Wheeless, L. R., & Grotz, J. (1977). The measurement of trust and its relationship to self-disclosure. Human Communication Research, 3(3), 250–257.