A few days ago, in Beijing, there was such a report that made the melon-eating masses can't help but laugh:
A small couple fell in love for two years and gained 80 pounds together.
Regarding the weight change before and after the love, the girl was overjoyed, and laughed at herself: "My mother did not let me go to relatives in the New Year." ”
Many netizens expressed envy, saying that they also hoped to talk about a sweet love that could feed each other fat.
Regarding "happiness fat", I investigated some popular science research in more authoritative fields.
It was then found that people with stable and comfortable intimate relationships had a slight decrease in anxiety and self-discipline, and a corresponding increase in physical and mental health indexes.
And in love, people automatically ignore their partner's physical or physical shortcomings, so as to be more focused on immersing themselves in the unique charm of the other half.
For example, I watched a video of sprinkling dog food before, a handsome young man has a girlfriend of 200 pounds, and the love between the two is sweet every day.
In the barrage, there are also some keyboard men who will make inappropriate comments about the girl's appearance and weight.
In later videos, the girl also seems to have more facial anxiety.
She asked her boyfriend nervously: "I am so fat, why do you still love me so much?" ”
The boyfriend did not escape, and seriously explained to netizens that when they first met, the girl was very thin, only more than eighty pounds.
Although I am fat now, it does not affect the feelings of two people.
The boyfriend also said to her: "When you were thin, you lived in my heart, and when you were fat, you got stuck, so you couldn't get out." ”
In addition to being sweet, it also makes the corners of the mouths of onlookers rise, and they are like a straight call.
To sum up, although "happiness fat" does not represent happiness, "happiness fat" is indeed a derivative of most people in happy love.
01
Someone will maintain an unhappy relationship
Studies have shown that people with low self-esteem are generally less satisfied with their intimate relationships.
I've seen an interesting installation before, which is a large turntable that rotates clockwise and counterclockwise, with a man and a woman on it.
The large carousel represents a person's life, and as it turns, the girl will face the man who is close to her many times, but each time she will push the other person away, subconsciously avoiding, indicating rejection.
In this installation, girls represent a group of people who choose to be in a state of avoidance in love.
People with tendencies to avoid attachment generally have a low "sense of worthiness" and a high sense of defense.
For example, in the variety show "Daughters in Love", Selina, who was severely burned and experienced a broken marriage, blurted out hurtful words in the face of the confession and proximity of her fan zhang Xuanrui:
"You may have burned out your brain before you can like me."
In psychology, there is a positive correlation between a sense of complacency and a sense of scarcity.
On social platforms, I have often seen such a distressing type of little sister, and they usually have these thoughts:
My boyfriend doesn't like me to be fat, so I'll lose weight and liposuction;
My boyfriend thinks my nose is not straight, then I will plastic surgery;
Even if the boyfriend wants sex, then I force myself to please him;
And they may not be aware that the overly cautious love personality is easy to be used by people with hearts.
The case of Peking University Law School student Bao Li being PUA by her boyfriend is ironclad evidence.
Both men and women, in love, once they receive the relevant signals that the other party uses a lot of insulting words or even carries out emotional abuse, it is necessary to be vigilant and choose to leave.
Those who often choose to stay in an unhappy relationship are extremely insecure and insecure.
Even if they often feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in a relationship, they can't leave the relationship.
Only when this emotion of anxiety, dependence, and oppression exceeds the peak that the recipient can bear, the person will choose to leave and try to enter another brand new relationship.
But even if we have a bad relationship, we don't have to be overly anxious.
Because sometimes, we only leave one person when we are ready.
Until then, if we are often in a weak position in a relationship, we don't have to force ourselves to give up immediately.
It is also possible to remain aware, record your own emotional changes, and observe the needs behind the emotions.
It is worth mentioning that in love, the so-called sunk cost does not exist.
In love, not obsessed with the loss of sunk costs, but it is conducive to us to make more suitable decisions for ourselves.
02
Reasons for dissatisfaction with the current state of the relationship
In psychology professor Roland Miller's book Intimate Relationships, the concept of social exchange is mentioned.
In a relationship, everyone is the provider and the receiver, and getting and spending are two levers.
In love, in the process of getting along with their partners, people will subconsciously measure these two levers, which is equivalent to measuring the profit and loss of interacting with each other.
Most of us, when making relationship decisions, consider the expected outcome, and the result is equal to the reward minus the cost.
When the reward is too small or the cost is too high, it is more cost-effective to maintain than to give it away.
For example, in the love roundup "Post-90s Marriage Agency", there was a female guest who was single and lived alone for 10 years.
The little sister has white skin and beautiful appearance, elegant conversation, and the objective conditions are very superior.
In the end, she failed to hold hands, and the key reason was that she had maintained a good intimate connection with her friends every day, and love was not a necessity for her.
The sister's satisfaction with the current life of living alone is extremely high, and if a man is accepted into her life at this time, it will need to provide a large cost.
For this little sister, the current emotional state is already what she wants to get and is satisfied with.
If you want to give up the current state of comfort in order to get another relationship, it is not cost-effective.
A netizen in the comment area also said very well, when one day, the little sister's friends have chosen to enter the relationship;
When her satisfaction with living alone decreases, she is naturally willing to enter a romantic relationship.
There is also a category of people who are more perfectionistic and more demanding on the needs and standards of their partners.
This is usually because we have established standards in our hearts at an early age regarding the ideal partner.
When a real-life partner comes along, we project standards onto him and make comparisons.
When you find that you would be better off without your current partner, or if you choose another partner, the "sense of comparison" will be at work.
At this time, our hearts will begin to emphasize that the love outcome has not reached the gap of our expectations, and we will be disappointed.
There is also a category of people, although the partner has met their expectations, but they are too worried about loss, often adding a lot of unnecessary long-term worries and near-term worries to themselves.
Or maybe the relationship is full of passion for love, but lacks a sense of security and intimacy.
03
How to improve love satisfaction?
In nobel laureate daniel Kahneman's work "Thinking Fast and Slow", there is such a study conclusion -
People in love can feel happy even in traffic jams, while people in mourning may continue to grieve even if they watch funny movies.
It can be seen that if a person wants to improve love satisfaction, he needs to consider it comprehensively from two dimensions: objective and subjective.
The two concepts to be mentioned here are conditional expectations and behavioral expectations.
Conditional expectation refers to "what kind of person you want the other person to be", and behavioral expectation refers to "how you want the other person to treat you".
Usually we advise that expectations of a partner should be realistic and that the standards of self-discipline be idealistic.
Analogous to the famous saying of Totostoevs, love concrete people, do not love abstract people, love life, do not love the meaning of life.
Expectations that are too abstract are meaningless fantasies.
In fact, men and women have far more similarities than differences, and they both need love and respect equally.
If you want your partner to treat you like you, try to treat him the way you want to be treated.
Everyone's perceptions and expressions of happiness are different, and no one is born to know each other.
However, regular mutual communication is conducive to building a relationship of trust and enhancing mutual understanding.
In addition, in the process of communication, you can try to express more soft tone of "I need" and less of the hard indicators of "you should".
Paying more positive attention to your partner and less negative attacks is certainly beneficial.
The author | Wang Jing is a novel creator and an addict to classical literature. Dabbled in Chinese and foreign philosophies, believing but not superstitious. He likes to delve into individual psychology, firmly believes that individuals are active and creative, and there are three or more solutions to everything.