Original title: In my junior year of high school, I learned to be alone
Text/New
When it comes to the third year of high school, most people's minds present a mountain of test papers, big red inspirational slogans, and a "battlefield" where students' blood is boiling.
In the eyes of high school seniors, the two words of "college entrance examination" are very important, as if carrying the hope of a family.
one
During my junior year of high school, I walked through the door of the counseling room. Unlike the students around me who were racing against the clock to study, I was overwhelmed by the pressure of the college entrance examination and could not even continue my studies.
I am a child with strong autonomy, and I have never slackened in my studies after entering the city's key high schools with high scores. I thought that I would be able to maintain my excellent grades by studying hard, but after a year of high school, I was completely disappointed - the way I studied at that time could only make my grades decline steadily. Watching the line with his name printed on the report card fall again and again, my mood changed from shock to confusion at the beginning to unwillingness, and I could not accept such a self since I was a child.
After a period of downfall, I began to think of ways to adjust, planning to regain my strength and return to the glory of the past.
I looked around collecting ways to learn, grabbed every opportunity to fix myself in front of my desk to study, gave up all opportunities to play, and wrote words of motivation on the calculus paper and post-it notes. I was thinking that as long as I worked hard enough and was hard enough to myself, I would be able to achieve the goal I wanted to achieve.
Unexpectedly, it was my own pressure that overwhelmed me.
In the second semester of my sophomore year of high school, I began to be plagued by a common symptom in psychology, "obsessive-compulsive thinking", and every moment in my head there would be two voices that were completely opposite and quarreled loudly.
One is shouting "You should make sure you read every word when reading the question!" You should make sure you are attentive all the time! ”
The other shouted "Why should I do this!?" Don't you care about me like that! ”
……
They are like two strands of rope, entangled together, and they are constantly pulling on each other. I was tied to the middle of the rope and was strangled with pain.
Strange voices swirled around my head all day, making me even worse off because I was upset about studying. A month later, coupled with the frustration of interpersonal communication, I began to have headaches and feelings of nothingness in my loneliness, and I felt that it was not interesting to live. Watching the classmates who ate together talk and laugh, they never seemed to have such strange troubles as me, and I felt more lonely and sad, and the headache became more and more intense.
I began to want to hurt myself, intentionally or unintentionally fell on the way to the canteen, cut the palm of my hand, donated blood first seeped out drop by drop, then yellow oil droplets, I also saw the small pebble embedded in the wound...
It hurts. But I don't have much consciousness. On the contrary, I was very happy, trapped in painful emotions for too long, always felt that life was black and white, my body was numb, and finally some pain could stimulate this numb shell. I laughed.
The friends around me were surprised, and she asked me, are you okay? How did you fall like this and still laugh?
She didn't know that I was so lonely and helpless.
No one could understand my pain, and no one could help me get out.
two
Fortunately, people always have the desire to survive, and so do I.
After several turnovers, I finally grinded my mother to take me to a psychological counseling institution for psychological counseling. A few hundred yuan a consultation fee is quite expensive for my ordinary family, but my mother can't bear to see me uncomfortable, and she gritted her teeth to provide me with two years of consultation fees.
In the counselor's hut, I opened my heart little by little. For me, there was finally someone who really understood my heart. She told me that you don't need to try to live like someone else because you're fine yourself.
My condition gradually improved after a few months.
The outward change is probably that I am no longer the child who is immersed in the study of death.
After receiving psychotherapy, I understood that I could stop and rest when I was tired of studying, and I also had the meaning of being loved and the value of existence that I was not good enough.
So in the third year of high school where everyone shouted," "As long as you don't die, you will learn from death," my manic heart gradually quieted down and I began to explore a learning style that suited me.
When the people around me got up early and studied late, I had the courage to concentrate on watching a movie and singing a song on the guitar when I was tired, completely unaware of the things related to studying. I gradually allowed myself to be able to appear when I couldn't learn and then use that time to arrange other things.
During the treatment period, due to emotional instability, the performance fell off a cliff. I didn't panic, I learned to break the jar and break it, but I also learned to glue the broken jar together - I studied hard when I wanted to learn, and only used Chinese and English reading to pass the time when I didn't want to learn.
Amazingly, my Chinese and English grades started to improve by leaps and bounds. Even after the mock exam in the late third year of high school, my essay was circulated by the Chinese teacher several times as a model for the whole grade due to its profound intentions and high scores.
Maybe thanks to the hundreds of e-books I used to pass the time on countless boring nights of my junior year of high school, haha.
three
Grades aside, the third year of high school seemed to me to be too quiet to be quiet. I measured the speed of progress on the road of learning with my own pace, and in my own way, immersed in my own world, gently met the challenge of the college entrance examination.
Many times, when I see my friends around me forcing their tired bodies to study, I am playing guitar, watching movies, reading extracurricular books, and understanding the world as it really is.
I learned to combine work and leisure, and learned to face learning in a more efficient way. Also learn what your truest self looks like in solitude.
I fell in love with romantic and gentle folk songs, Like Zhao Lei's "Chengdu", Xie Chunhua's "I Fell from the Edge of the Cliff", Ni Jian's "Haixiang"...
These melodies accompany my loneliness and my joy when I succeed.
On the day the college entrance examination results came out, I was very surprised. The score was nearly a hundred points higher than I usually did in the school mock exam, and nearly 60 points higher than my estimated score after the college entrance examination, and I went to a university in the province. Although I still failed to go to 985 and 211, my college entrance examination was a new milestone for me, and the experience of my third year of high school provided too much confidence for my later life.
Because in every hard journey later, I can see the ignorant but persistent teenager in my junior year of high school.
The taste of being alone, quiet and wonderful.
When you put aside the expectations of everyone around you, just be yourself, not defined by anyone, but you can define everything about yourself, many problems are solved.
Although sometimes it seems to be out of place with the surroundings, but what about him, life is originally a person's journey, and becoming yourself is always the right choice.