1.
There is a mother who resolutely forbids her daughter to fall in love with her boyfriend.
And claimed that if the daughter really wants to be with her boyfriend, she will break off the mother-child relationship.
It is useless for the daughter to say anything, and the father also came out to persuade her, saying that the child is so old, let her think for herself.
But the mother did not agree, and found out various reasons, saying that the man was not good, such as the average family situation, general work and so on.
In fact, these are not a big problem.
Later, there was really no way to make a fuss, let's consult together. In the work of counseling, bypassing many precautions, the mother finally told the truth about not allowing her daughter to fall in love:
From childhood to adulthood, almost everything, the daughter will tell her first, but the matter of love, actually quietly walked together with others.
2.
In this regard, many people do not understand, will say how this mother is so unreasonable, too domineering.
But in fact, when we really see the psychological pattern behind it, we will understand this mother.
All along, from childhood to adulthood, mothers and children have been building a symbiotic relationship, and in a way, in her subconscious, she still thinks that the child is still a part of her body.
So she wants the children to listen to her, to consult with her, and not to allow this part of the body to betray herself, otherwise there will be great fear.
This fear is a matter of life and death.
Therefore, she would rather break off the mother-daughter relationship than keep her child separated from her boyfriend in order to maintain such a symbiotic relationship and restore her control and security.
3.
Speaking of which, some friends may ask, what is a symbiotic relationship?
To put it simply, it is in the psychological level of co-existence and death, when the two sides of the relationship, showing consistency, can be regarded as "life", if separated, it means "death".
This means that when a person wants to be symbiotic with another, there must be a "you die or live" in their relationship – this is not a metaphor or an exaggeration, but a real inner feeling.
Because when my will or feelings are not seen and respected or executed, I have a feeling of fear that I am about to be "killed", in order not to let me be killed, I must do my best to make you listen to me, follow my will,
So in family relationships,
A controlling mother, when she wants to pursue a symbiotic relationship, will obliterate the child's will and make the child obedient;
When a controlling man wants to pursue a symbiotic relationship, he will obliterate his wife's will and make him obedient;
When a controlling mother-in-law wants to pursue a symbiotic relationship, she will obliterate the will of her son and make her son obedient, at this time, the daughter-in-law will inadvertently become an outsider and become the virus that wants to invade our symbiotic relationship.
4.
When it comes to this, many friends may not understand, and even feel that this view is attacking them.
They will say, of course, love must be sticky together, family members must be tied together, living and dying together, either how to have a sense of security, or how to be a family?
Indeed, this may also be a kind of love, but this way of loving, which will be taken for granted at first, may eventually make us lose more and hurt more.
5.
For example, there is a male visitor who asks his wife to wear an eye mask and a wig every time she has a conjugal relationship.
The wife could not stand his habits, and at first reluctantly agreed, and then after giving birth to a child, she began to refuse.
Whenever this happens, he will be angry, and then he will torture his wife in various ways, and even domestic violence, thinking that he does not love him enough.
In fact, behind the fetish is a little boy who longs for a symbiotic relationship, and the reason why he does not understand love is because he has not really learned to love, and there is a huge fear in his heart.
In this regard, if you want to truly heal him, you need to create a container of love, give love and know the skills to resolve conflicts - it is conceivable that this requires a huge psychological energy of the wife.
6.
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng once said: Love creates separation, and sadism creates loyalty.
It sounds incredible, isn't loyalty good? How did it become abusive?
In fact, a person's growth process needs to constantly break the shell and break the narcissism in order to enter the wider world from a small space.
In this process, if special emphasis is placed on loyalty, the so-called symbiotic relationship, it is easy to let a person's development stagnate and form a so-called giant baby.
But if we allow the child to grow and help the child to overly improve this separation process, the child's independent personality will be born. When you grow up, you will not stay in the stage of wanting to pursue a symbiotic relationship.
However, the vast majority of parents cannot do this. Because neither did their parents give them an example—it sounds like a fatalistic cycle.
7.
British psychoanalyst Winnicott once said that 6 months ago, it was a normal period of symbiosis.
However, for various reasons, many children, before the age of half a year, do not establish a basic symbiotic relationship with their mothers, and lose the earliest nourishment of life.
In the 6-36 months of separation and individuation period, the mother or other caregiver, the desire to control is too strong, do not allow the child to have their own will, let the child must obey.
At the same time, the nourishment and companionship for children is not enough, and there is still more separation.
When the child grows up, the mother becomes more and more attached to the child, does not want to separate the child, and even emphasizes to the child, you are the only important person in my life, I can't lose you.
When the child becomes a family, the mother becomes the mother-in-law, regards the daughter-in-law as an enemy of the outside, and even thinks that this family is the home of her son, and the daughter-in-law is an outsider. What is even more excessive is that they even think that the children are her sons, while the daughter-in-law who gives birth to the children is an outsider.
Interestingly, they really think so in their hearts, not stupid.
In fact, this is all because the self is not born completely, and it is dominated by fear behind it.
For example, I have a mother-in-law who visits, and she often breaks into their room early in the morning while they are sleeping, and they are not allowed to lock the door.
In the event of a conflict, the mother-in-law will even threaten suicide.
At that moment, she was really caught by the fear of death, and there was no other way but to alleviate it through such an extreme method.
8.
Speaking of which, let's look at a certain type of third party.
After they intervene in other people's families, they seem to be able to ask for nothing, not to get into power, not to have money, and even not to have children, but just to be with men.
In this regard, many men are still quite proud, thinking that this is true love.
In fact, the real essence is to establish such a "symbiotic relationship" with men - a link that can make her feel safe in the world, which is what she really wants to figure out.
Interestingly, once such a symbiotic relationship of hers is established, terrible tricks will follow.
The original seemingly pure and selfless girl, but slowly become crazy and extreme, often to the end, chickens flying dog jump, men regret it, but it has been overwhelmed by water, can not return the head.