Question：
What do these love experiences have in common?
Al*****: He always refuses to communicate with the truth, and when he hears it, he gets annoyed and asks: What are you going to do? I don't understand what you say, so you say let me do whatever I want to do.
That is, you let him care about you, you have to tell him how to perform and care about you, what you do in a day is too unconcerned, you talk to him about why you don't care about how your day is, he immediately asks, how are you doing, and then listens to you, coaxes you to say that your wife is the hardest, pours you foot washing water, and then pours water on your own.
I think I'm a good man who does a great job, I think women don't just love to nag, you see, I let her nag again, laughed again, and gave water. What a perfect man. However, you just mentioned to him that you have accumulated emotions outside the work and you have been wronged, and he doesn't care at all.
Because he doesn't communicate with me, in fact, we don't really have time together, it's all through event interaction, such as playing games together, watching videos together, exercising together, you have to find something, and none of them can do it when you can simply chat for a while.
I am now confused by this matter of him, and I have begun to suspect that other relatives who are close to me also love me, otherwise why can they agree with his behavior towards me?
Alas, it's so hard to think about it!
Br*****: My girlfriend is an avoidant personality, but she is actually the kind of person who is reluctant to express her thoughts about the relationship and has little interest in me.
But if I had any requests (like watching a movie, eating), she would still accept it. I'm the kind of person who is very submissive to my girlfriend, she has emotions and says something I don't agree with, and I follow her words.
We've been together for over 100 days and we've never had a fight. But I know in my heart that if we have a fight, then the result must be a breakup.
De*****: My ex-boyfriend and I were also in a fake intimate relationship before, and it felt like I was just cooperating with each other to do all kinds of things, and meeting or something was not something I wanted to see, so I was separated.
Manager: I feel that fake sexual relations are more common in the parents' generation, whitewashing the peace, not communicating, and creating a false happiness.
Blue *****: Some of the surroundings are pseudo-intimate relationships. WeChat chat records are all kissing the baby, hugging and loving you, there is no actual meaning and true expression, dating is shopping and watching movies.
The answer is:
They are all experiencing a pseudo-sexual intimacy.
Little love friends, have you guessed it!
So what exactly is a false sexual intimacy? If we encounter this relationship, what can we do to improve it?
Today, Xiao Ai will come to talk with everyone, fake sexual intimacy.
What is pseudo-sexual intimacy?
Irrelationship is a kind of intimacy that appears to be divine. The two partners seem close to the outside world, but in fact, the two parties do not really embrace each other frankly. The two people just act out intimacy like actors.
Because they have never been honest with each other, fake sexual intimacy is often filled with emotional mines that are on the verge of erupting. In order to avoid conflict and strive to maintain the appearance of good harmony, both sides will wear masks and play the role that the other expects.
So partners caught up in fake intimacy often look enviable, but are actually the "most familiar strangers."
Pseudo-intimacy is essentially a defense mechanism that usually occurs between two people who have experienced emotional trauma in the past. Love means caring and giving, but also means losing control and hurting, and some people who have been hurt are afraid of these potential sadness and pain, so they try to avoid honesty and giving from the beginning.
By using the form of performance to restrain investment, avoid harm, and use distance to eliminate the conflict and pain caused by integration, we can build such a "rational" and safe intimate relationship.
Of course, this relationship can protect each other's self-feelings, but at the same time, the mechanized mode of getting along will also eat away at the passion little by little.
According to the American psychologist Sternberg's "three-factor theory of love", this kind of false intimacy that lacks intimacy and passion is an "empty love". This is also why people who are caught up in fake sexual intimacy often feel as if they are not really with their partner and are always in a state of seeming separation.
How do you tell if you're in a fake sexual intimacy?
As the friends I shared earlier said, the most important criterion for judging whether you are in a fake intimate relationship is whether you have a heart for each other.
If you and your partner get along not on the basis of mutual understanding to meet each other's needs, but on the basis of avoiding loss of control and anxiety and take various coping measures;
If you and your partner start to become cautious, not to use honest communication to eliminate conflicts during the run-in period, but to constantly avoid possible emotional minefields;
If you and your partner begin to unconsciously, but inevitably, play the role that the other person expects, in order to try to maintain a seemingly harmonious relationship;
If you and your partner are increasingly restrained in their emotional efforts for fear of losing autonomy, they only allow themselves and each other to remain formally intimate, rather than maintaining a deep and reciprocal emotional connection.
Then it is very likely that you and your partner have unwittingly entered the pseudo-sexual intimacy mode.
How can I improve my pseudo-sexual intimacy?
Although pseudo-intimacy is not a disease, but only a defensive mode of self-protection, this mode of getting along is likely to make us gradually lose the ability to perceive the emotions of ourselves and others, resulting in emotional numbness and apathy, lack of empathy, and a series of related social problems.
At the same time, the root cause of a pseudo-sexual intimacy is usually an emotional wound within the person who has not yet healed. Without confronting and improving pseudo-sexual intimacy, it is easy to keep yourself in a state of emotional closure, thus affecting your state in other non-romantic relationships.
Since fake intimacy is a defense mechanism established by both parties, if we want to improve false sexual intimacy, we must first start to open our hearts, learn to be honest, and learn to move forward with fear.
This process is, of course, painful, because we have to face the series of feelings of uneasiness and anxiety caused by opening our hearts again and again, but only by confronting these negative emotions can we have the possibility of change.
The second step in opening your heart is to work with your partner to build a healthy communication relationship. It's also very difficult because it requires changing your partner's perspective. We can first try to get our partners to understand the dangers of false sexual intimacy, and let this cognition become the motivation for the partner to make changes.
If the partner you meet is used to fake intimacy or doesn't think this mechanized mode of coexistence will bring difficulties and dangers to their lives, then change will become more difficult.
If this is the case, we can also consider seeking the help of a therapist, learning to step out of the shadow of past trauma with the help of a professional, overcoming the uneasiness and anxiety that comes with giving, and reaching some healthier consensus about intimacy.
But if these attempts are fruitless and we really want to get out of the fake sexual intimacy, perhaps we need to consider whether the partner is really suitable for us.
Everyone will change, and what suits us at the beginning may not be suitable for us to the end.
If we are already moving forward and the other party is still in place, we certainly have the right to help them move forward, but we do not have a final obligation.
In order to change pseudo-sexual intimacy, psychologists have also proposed 5 steps for the English abbreviation meaning "DREAM":
1 Discovery: Discover and confront your insecurities in intimate relationships.
2 Repair: Acknowledging that keeping one's distance from everyone does not avoid feelings of uneasiness and anxiety. Bravely face your feelings for yourself, take the initiative to solve problems with others, and repair relationships.
3 Empowerment: Examine your intimacy and empower yourself by ridding away the factors that hinder the development of a good relationship.
4 Alternatives: A new way to understand and connect with others. Learn to listen to others and choose an honest way to communicate with them.
5 Mutuality: Do not be too attached to the efforts and gains and losses in the feelings, pay attention to the expression of each other's feelings, and establish a mutually beneficial relationship on the basis of full and deep communication.
On the way to obtain sincere feelings, we have a lot to face, find the right way, actively deal with, and do not prevent us from harvesting love and paying love!