01
Two days ago, I took my daughter to a DIY handmade experience shop.
After choosing the materials with my daughter, I sat down to watch her make it.
At this time, a mother and daughter at the next table caught my attention.
The little girl took a half-made bracelet and asked her mother with great interest:
"Mom, do you think I look good with this?"
The mother was looking intently at the phone, her fingers clicking fast on the screen, and she didn't seem to hear her daughter's inquiry.
The girl bowed her head and did not say a word, and after a while, she rushed to her mother's side with great anticipation:
"Mom, does the bracelet I made look good?"
Mom nodded perfunctorily, but her eyes never left the phone.
The little girl looked lost, and the movements in her hands slowed down.
A few minutes later, she handed the bracelet to her mother again and asked in a whisper:
"Mom, do you like it?"
Mom looked up carelessly, somewhat impatiently:
"Mommy has something to do, you can play by yourself!"
The little girl was stunned for a moment, her eyes were red in an instant, and then she suddenly threw the bracelet on the table and shouted:
"I don't want to play anymore!"
The mother finally came back to God, but did not notice her daughter's grievances, but felt that she was unreasonable:
"If it's not fun, go home!"
After saying that, he pulled his daughter over and walked toward the door.
Image source: Japanese movie "The Rules of The Tall Gormul"
Looking at the little girl's twitching back from crying, I inexplicably felt heartache:
Throughout, her mother did not understand where her daughter's temper and tears came from.
Maybe she just needs a little attention and affirmation from her mother; maybe she just wants to share what she thinks is beautiful with her favorite mother.
However, mom ignored and snubbed again and again, like a basin of cold water, little by little, poured out the longing in her heart, and those losses, grievances and helplessness eventually made her emotions collapse.
02
In life, there are too many such scenes.
"Wait a minute", "I'm busy", "Don't bother me", "Play by yourself"...
When we are busy, when we are unhappy, when we are angry, these words are the words we say most often to our children.
Psychology has a word called "existential anxiety", which means that when the child says or does nothing, the parents are a cold and perfunctory attitude, the child will feel that he has no sense of existence and is not loved.
Once or twice may not matter, but more often, the feeling of being ignored and abandoned is enough to destroy a child.
Not long ago, a 10-year-old boy in Nanjing ran away from home and was found by the police at the subway entrance.
After questioning, I learned that he had run away more than ten times, and the reason was because his parents only worked or played with mobile phones all day, and no one paid attention to him.
In the boy's eyes, his parents did not even care about him as much as the police.
There is a question on the knowledge: what is the experience of being often ignored by parents?
One respondent said:
This feeling is too familiar, because I have always felt it since I was a child, and every time I think about it, it is like having a very blunt knife, constantly scratching on the body, not bleeding, but the pain is very real.
She recalled:
Every time mom is in a bad mood, she will automatically switch to ignoring her.
Talk to her, ignore her; buy her something, don't; show her courtesy and just go away...
Over time, she has developed a flattering personality, and is accompanied by a very negative personality such as extreme thinking, love to drill the horns, cannot express her own ideas, cannot handle interpersonal relationships, is afraid of making mistakes, and is cowardly.
The Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences once conducted a questionnaire survey of 1511 children.
The results found that among the four major acts of violence: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect, "neglect" was the most likely to cause depression and anxiety in children.
Wu Zhihong said:
"There is no response, and home is a hopeless situation."
Maybe the child can't understand the parent's performance, but the parent's indifference will make the child feel: Originally, I am not so important.
This kind of "cold violence" is more terrible than scolding the child, and the psychological trauma it causes to the child may be a lifetime.
03
Everyone is born with a desire to be noticed, especially children.
If you don't respond in time when your child needs you the most, the number of times is more, and the disappointment is enough, he will no longer need you.
In the movie "Dog Thirteen", Li Play's father once promised to take her to the astronomical exhibition, but took her to the dinner party on the same day.
Seeing that the time was dragging out later and later, the father did not pay any attention to his daughter's anxiety and pleading, and did not care to ridicule in front of everyone:
"I haven't figured out what people are doing, and I'm still watching an astronomical exhibition?"
Li Play was very angry and ran to the planetarium alone, but found that it had long been closed.
Perhaps, her disappointment in her father had been saved from that moment on?
Neglected, she pins all her emotions on her dog, "Einstein."
Later, the dog was lost, and all the loss and disappointment were ignited, and she collapsed in an instant.
In fact, many times, the child's "interruption" is just to get a simple response from the parents, because this represents love and attention.
Singer Chen Meiling, the mother of three high-achieving students at Stanford University, has two points that are particularly important in her educational cheats:
First, do not neglect children because of work
No matter how busy she is, every day before going to bed, she will play fishing games with her children, even if it is only 5 minutes, it is also paradise for children.
Second, when a child asks questions, he will never be asked to "wait"
Even though she was cooking, when the child came to ask her "Mom, why is the sky blue?" ”
She will also turn off the fire at the first time and respond to the child: "It's a good question, let's go find the answer together!" ”
The timely response of parents not only protects the child's curiosity, but also gives the child a full sense of security: I am valued, I am loved.
Ma Yili also posted an article reflecting on her failure to give her children a full emotional response:
"Under the stupid idea of independent parenting, I insisted that after she fell asleep, even if I fell asleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night and carry her back to the small bed...
At that time, the concept of parenting was mostly to train independence from a young age, delayed gratification, frustration education, and now it is all nonsense!
The more satisfied the sense of dependence, the more children who have received full emotional responses in infancy, will grow up to have a sense of security before they are truly independent! ”
The antonym of love is not hate, but forgetting and ignoring.
Parents' seeing and response can allow children to fully enjoy the nourishment of love and give children the confidence to be independent and brave.
04
Treat children, the most taboo "irrelevant response".
For example, if the child's beloved pet is lost or dead, the child is obviously very sad, but you say insignificantly: "It's okay, let's buy another one." ”
Responding in a timely manner does not mean: what the child wants, I will give him immediately.
"Irrelevant response" makes the child feel that his feelings are not accepted and understood, and he is unwilling to open his heart from then on;
Receiving all of a child's needs regardless of the situation will make it difficult for children to distinguish between right and wrong and disregard the rules.
The correct response should be to stand in the child's point of view, listen to his voice, affirm his emotions, and then use a gentle and equal posture to guide him to abide by the rules and learn to wait.
At this point, Hu Ke's "I know" sentence has always been praised:
When his son wanted to take away toys that didn't belong to him, Hu Ke said:
"I know you want this toy so much that you can't take it home now, and you're a little sad, but that's the rule."
When his son came out of the water castle because he was afraid to cry, Hu Ke still hugged his son for the first time:
"I know you're a little scared, but you're doing well and brave, and you stuck with it, didn't you?"
A "I know" allows the child to feel the understanding and concern from the mother.
A "but" makes the child understand that not all requirements can be met by others.
More importantly, the mother's timely attention and gentle response let the child know: no matter what happens, the mother is always with him.
In "The Road Few People Take", it is said:
An education full of love brings luck, and an education without love can only lead to misfortune.
Loving parents are good at examining their children's needs and making rational and objective judgments.
Responding to children, it's really not that hard.
As long as we are willing to squat down, see the world with the eyes of the child, and spend enough effort to understand the child's voice.
When the child's sense of existence and security is satisfied, he will not always pestering his parents for it.
So, whenever your child needs you, don't ignore him.
Because, in the child's world, the response of parents is always the most beautiful sound.