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Author| Yang Xiaomi Editor| Swallow
Source| Meet Xiaomi(ID: yujianxiaomi2015)
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In "I Became an Aunt!" In the article, I shared my joy of being an aunt, I had a nephew, and it was always a pleasure to add someone to the family, but I was made to cry and laugh by the three elderly people in the family (grandpa, grandma, grandma).
Whether my sister-in-law gives birth to a boy or a girl, my brother, my parents and I are very happy, and we will not treat my sister-in-law and this child differently.
I was 88 years old, grew up in the countryside, and I still had the opportunity to go to college, and everyone knows that my parents' idea of preferring sons to daughters is not heavy.
Although I take care of my brother more now, in the process of my growth, I did not feel that I was different from my brother, nor did my sister let my brother's thoughts, and what I ate and played was divided equally.
My grandparents, it's different, they have two sons (my dad and uncle), no daughters, grandchildren, I'm the eldest, because I'm a girl, very unpopular.
When I was a kid, I must have felt unfair, and now that I'm 33 years old, it doesn't matter anymore.
Grandpa is about to turn 80 years old, the years have not changed him at all, and the idea of son preference in his bones has not changed at all.
I called my father, he was also next to him, I said a few words to him, and as a result, he came and said: "Your mother's family has a successor, are you happy?" ”
Hearing this sentence, for a moment, it still evoked a lot of bad memories he gave me, really angry, Grandpa saw that I did not answer, and continued: "Give birth to a son, finish the heart, the next life does not care about anything." ”
I thought that grandpa will be 80 years old this Spring Festival, I don't argue with him, in case I get angry with him, there is a physical problem, and it is not my parents to take care of him.
Later, after hanging up the phone, Dad also said a few words to Grandpa, "Are boys and girls different?" Millet, usually very filial piety to you, buy you food, give you money for the New Year's Festival, which is worse than the grandson. ”
Grandpa didn't take it seriously, and retorted to Dad, "Then how can it be the same?" ”
Grandma's attitude is the same as Grandpa's, the same words are another way of saying it.
However, I did not say Grandpa, but I said Grandpa's son, which is my father:
"Dad, you are my grandfather's heart and liver baby, you take good care of him and grandma in your hometown, and the three of you are doing well." Grandpa can't see you for a day, how much he misses..."
"You have a grandson, and I don't have any place in my heart, work hard, and earn milk powder money for your grandson."
My dad was on the phone, laughing and saying to me, "Don't make fun of your dad." ”
Later, I heard my mother say privately that my father had a bit of a patriarchal mentality, that he didn't have grandchildren, that he was very happy, and that he was showing off everywhere, but he didn't dare to show it in front of me, for fear that I would eat it.
Not only that, he also pretended to be very calm, "One generation does not care about the affairs of two generations, and it is useless for the grandson to be in pain." You're busy at work, don't get too tired, take care of yourself. ”
I can feel my dad's desire to survive on the phone, no matter what he really thinks, but he will take care of my feelings, which makes me feel good.
Then, I bought a lot of delicious food from the Internet and sent it back to my father.
I think of what one of my psychology teachers said, "You don't have any psychological problems, because you can freely express your thoughts and emotions, don't bury anything in your heart, and if you are upset, you will complain, so your problems are not big." ”
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Besides, my grandmother, she is 90 years old, I once wrote that she can't move her lower body, has 4 daughters and 1 son, and is currently taking turns to take care of her.
Recently, at my second aunt's house, my mother took half a day to see her, and she said to her mother, "It is better to have a little boy (son) than a daughter." ”
My mom said, "Isn't my daughter pretty good too." ”
Grandma looked at my second aunt and mother and said that was the same, but she obviously didn't think so.
My grandmother's later life can be relatively moist and decent, is it not because she has 4 daughters? If she relied on her son, it was estimated that she would be bedridden for 3 years, and she didn't know what had become of her.
Some time ago, my grandmother lived in my house for more than 2 months, my sister-in-law wanted to have a child, just in time for the Mid-Autumn Festival, my mother called my aunt and asked her to take my grandmother back to her home (that is, my aunt's house).
This time I stayed for more than a month, my aunt called my second aunt, the emotional intelligence is very high: "You are all busy, I have nothing to do, let my mother live for a few more days, just not in your home to take good care of." ”
Everyone is a smart person, doesn't this mean that they have lived for a long time?
Grandma is so old, the state will give some money, all of which are held by the uncle's family.
My grandmother and grandfather have also worked for their family all their lives, and if they want to follow the thinking of their hometown, they should spend the most time in their house every year.
In the past, when the old man was in good health, he went to which daughter's house to stay for a few more days, and his aunt and uncle were not happy, and now that he was bedridden, he changed his mind.
My uncle also had two sons, my two cousins, and when I was a child, my grandmother was eager to take out the things in her mouth and give them both, and the pain was too bad to be unwanted.
I have not seen them show a little filial piety, especially the eldest cousin, who separated from the second cousin and lived in the former courtyard (where my grandmother and grandfather lived, and then my uncle renovated and built a better house), that yard is particularly large, and there is a house reserved for my grandmother.
The wife of the eldest cousin did not want to let the grandmother live, in fact, the maximum of 2 months a year, the result was that the grandmother heard a little wind noise, angry and did not eat, fortunately was held down by the uncle and aunt, said that she did not agree to anything.
They also know that if they dare to do this, my mother and a few of their sisters will definitely not be counted, and if they think of anything to help, there is no door.
My mother said that we don't care what others do, our own old people have the obligation to take care of them, and don't worry about how the old people are, this is also a blessing for future generations.
Every New Year's Festival, looking at my grandmother's face, my mother and sisters all four bought a lot of meat and fish to send over, basically eating from my uncle's family.
However, in my mother's words, when grandma is gone, all four of them are sisters, and they will not go to see their uncles, but they will let the children take a look at the New Year's Festival, and imagine that they are like this, don't think about it.
My mother and sisters, all have their own families and children, the brain is very clear, are not the people who supplement the mother's family regardless of their own, now think of home and everything, Grandma is still there, don't make her old man unhappy.
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The topic of son preference has been discussed a lot on social media in recent years. As a girl, I live in such an environment, and naturally I think more about this phenomenon.
Old people like my grandparents and grandmothers, deep-rooted concepts are difficult to change, there is nothing to worry about, let go more comfortable. After all, they are their own elders, how to be filial piety and how to be filial piety.
Now, when I listen to the old man in the family express the boy's goodness so directly, I disagree with them, but there is no anger in it, nor do I think about being really angry with them, and I have no desire to quarrel.
At the same time, I also see that this phenomenon is improving, and women are becoming more and more vocal.
The other day, I went to an event, and I was very happy that more and more women, in the company to do the top level, watch them share on stage, really cool.
These women are my role models and I want to be like that.
What makes me even happier is my mother's change. My mother, after 60, graduated from junior high school, has been living in the countryside, I saw a change in her thinking, she began to think about herself, learn to love herself.
In the past few years, I have taken my mother to play abroad and lived in Shanghai for a while every year.
Mom said that she wanted to open, and the old lady in our community told her that it is better to be good to anyone than to herself, and she must hurt herself, and no matter how filial her children are, they will not keep it every day.
In addition, the mother sees the misfortune of many elderly people in their hometown in their later years, these old people hurt their grandchildren a lot, but when they are old, these grandchildren, filial piety, it is good to see 2 trips a year, and they will not do more.
My mother became a grandmother, she was very happy, but she thought that the responsibility of raising grandchildren was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law had a sister-in-law to take care of her, as long as my brother was not busy, at home, it was my brother who cooked.
Mom thinks this is the right thing to do, your daughter-in-law is confinement, you should behave well.
I went to some psychology workshops, such as the family system, there are some very successful women, self-recognition is not high, to explore, from the family system, there are some reasons, such as the family subconscious preference for sons, leading to their disapproval of their own female identity, which can not be easily perceived.
Fortunately, when you see this problem, change happens.
As women, the younger generation, I think we need to recognize ourselves from the bottom of our hearts and not look down on ourselves. We should be proud of ourselves as women, recognize our feminine identity, and not change ourselves for anyone's expectations.
I'm a woman, and I don't need to prove myself in order to make my family value me more, change some thinking, I want to be myself.
Just like I don't have to do better than my brother in order to get the approval of my grandparents, I have to compete, because what they think is not something I can influence.
In the same way, don't go to the other extreme, that is, men and women are opposed, and feel that I must do better than men.
In married life, I can also rely on men, which does not mean that I will despise myself and put myself in a lower position.
Between men and women, what is wanted is mutual respect, not a struggle with each other, who suppresses whom.
With the progress of society, when my generation of peers, 80, 90, have become parents, like my grandparents this kind of thinking, should be better, at least from myself, I wholeheartedly accept my female identity, and when I have a daughter in the future, I will also educate her in this way.
Yang Xiaomi: Founder of Self-media [Meet Xiaomi], author of the book "Action Realization", graduated from the psychology class, settled in Shanghai, Shandong people, 3 years from ordinary staff to marketing director, and entrepreneurship, sharing workplace experience and growth stories.