There is a common modern love problem that I want to discuss with you - after a breakup, can you really be friends?
No.
I discussed this with my friends and came to this mutually agreeable conclusion.
There may be many reasons why two people break up, but the core essence is that our love cannot withstand the difficulties we are currently encountering, and it is too difficult to maintain this relationship.
On this question, sociologist Professor Li Yinhe once answered in an interview:
"Everyone thinks that if two people break up, it will be very hateful."
She felt that this was not an experience that everyone had, and she suggested that it was better for two people to be able to maintain a more gentle, or friendly relationship.
Teacher Li Yinhe also mentioned that there was a divorce restaurant in Beijing, where two people ate and were separated.
Feelings are fluid, such as people drinking water, cold and warm self-knowledge.
In real life, there must also be two people who have to remember all the pain, mutual hurt patterns.
It is common, but it is undeniable that this view of love is not mature enough.
After a breakup, it is not necessary to be friends.
In the adult world, after a couple breaks up, they choose to be friends, to a certain extent, leaving room for each other and saving dignity.
It's worth noting, though, that people often overestimate the connotation of the word "friend" after the relationship ends.
In the variety show "Longing for Life", He Jiong once mentioned a sentence.
"Although I have many friends and I care about the people around me, I have never had the luxury of keeping anyone by my side for the rest of my life, and some people are here to accompany you for a while." 」
Friends in the adult world, drifting away is the norm, taking a step back is parting ways.
Not to mention pretending to be friends after the end of the relationship?
If you look at it again, your eyes will be red, and everyone knows it.
Just like Mr. Mu Xin's words, every day it becomes more and more cold.
My friend Xiao Yuan was drunk one day.
She muttered, "When I broke up with my ex, he asked me, 'Can I be friends?'
I smiled and said it was a friend.
He said okay, and then we never contacted again. ”
The feelings between people and people are sometimes mixed with family, love, and friendship.
"I still love it, but I don't want to like it."
"You're a good person, it's just that we're not in a relationship."
Lovers retreat to friends, and the emotions behind real friends are different, and naturally they cannot speak the same day.
In "Round Table Pie", Jiang Fangzhou asked Dou Wentao: "Then can you still be friends with each other after you break up?" ”
Dou Wentao said, "No, I can't see it at all." ”
Because you can't pretend to be confused, it will be particularly unnatural to see that person again.
Obviously, he has had a lot of beauty, but now the clouds are easy to disperse, the glass is broken, and it is extremely sentimental.
Dou Wentao frowned and pushed down his glasses:
"If you want to put garlic, you can also make it, but I don't think it's necessary, I don't need to find myself here and make such a friend."
In fact, whether the person who mentioned the breakup and the person who mentioned whether they could be friends are the same person or not.
It is because they once loved too much, were accustomed to the other party's omnipresence in their own lives, and were afraid that the other party would really disappear completely in their own memory.
When you really want to separate, find each other a step down.
And the so-called friend is that step.
01
The truth behind pretending to be friends
In my opinion, there is a big difference between friends in words and friends in deeds.
Verbal friends are that now that we have come to the end of our feelings, we can no longer walk hand in hand, it is better to forget each other and bless each other.
The friend in action is that although I can no longer assume the obligation of love in front of you, I can't do without you, and I still need the warmth of love.
Let's take a typical example.
Ma Weiwei and Zhou Xuanyi, the debaters of "Strange Story", once chatted in the same frame in an interview after the two broke up, talking about whether they could be friends after the breakup.
At that time, Zhou Xuanyi's view sounded grand - two people can still be friends and believe in each other after breaking up.
You can even use as friends to help each other through that period of time, so that you can really break up peacefully and decently.
Zhou Xuanyi also said that he was really grateful to Ma Weiwei.
When the breakup was broken up and both parties had emotional fluctuations, Ma Weiwei was still like a good friend to accompany each other through the fluctuating period of this relationship.
Many of Zhou Xuanyi's remarks, which have no problems on the surface, actually cannot withstand scrutiny.
"When it comes to love, the pursuit of safety is the first priority."
"It's a very dangerous thing to become a lover, and the other party is actually the person who controls your life."
"If you first enter love with the mentality of love, it is actually dangerous."
"If you start with a friend mentality and then fall in love, I actually think it's safe for most people."
"My criteria for choosing a mate, kindness, integrity, stability, plus fun, it's hard, so we have to cast a wide net to make friends." 」
Later, Zhou Xuanyi was hammered, and feminism was played on the Internet, and a strange "open relationship" was launched with multiple women at the same time.
After the breakup, Ma Weiwei also said that Zhou Xuanyi was a good man and hoped that the girl would contact him on Weibo.
I just want to say that Zhou Xuanyi is not a good love object.
Concealing false self in intimate relationships, controlling inner selfishness and indifference, calculating everywhere, and being morally upright.
Station B has a prophet netizen God comment:
Zhou Xuanyi pulled all kinds of love brains, saying that the good point is too tired, saying that the ugly point is that he only wants to take off his pants and does not want to be responsible, which is obviously brainwashing.
This man who pretends to be friends after the breakup, using the identity and privilege of friends, is not in love, but in lust.
Remember that the person who proposes to break up is well thought out.
The moment those two words came, he had already decided that life would be better without you.
To borrow a sentence mentioned by Professor Li Meijin in "Round Table Pie": love is a one-on-one emotion, and love can be aimed at many people.
Therefore, people like Zhou Xuanyi, who are self-centered in intimate relationships, are essentially greedy for "love" and fraternity.
Huang Zhizhong said that encountering scumbags is not a problem, but putting up with scumbags is the problem.
When encountering such people, don't take it seriously, take it seriously, but lose.
02
Can't be friends after a breakup
In the TV series "Xiao Min's Family", Liu Xiaomin, played by Zhou Xun, broke up with Chen Zhuoti, played by Huang Lei, for the sake of the child.
Chen Zhuo shed tears: "I have seen on the Internet that people who have been lovers can still be friends, which means that it is not true love, let's still not be friends." ”
Whether you can really be friends after a breakup, this question about the ex, sometimes has a truth to "whether there is a pure friendship between men and women".
When we are strict and define friends by the standard of friendship, the answer is no.
Since the two people have retreated to friends, it is necessary to maintain a moderate distance and sense of boundaries.
Of course, it is not recommended that two people get along like enemies, especially when two people have emotional disputes.
There are many retaliatory crimes in society, the most important motive of which is related to emotion, and loveless revenge is actually very common.
If two people become enemies, it is even more detrimental to your future life, and you must protect yourself and strictly prevent retaliation.
In fact, people who have really loved each other are difficult and cannot be friends in the actual sense after separation.
As soon as you break up, the two have the right to find an incumbent again.
Disconnecting from the predecessor is always disrespectful to the incumbent.
Someone said, "It's okay to be friends, I'm really uncomfortable, even if I only have one contact information to chat." ”
But I wanted to ask, "And then?" ”
Be friends and then witness his love later?
Or, the shelf life of this friend is that before meeting the next person, the ex has become a superfluous tool person.
Mature people, after truly letting go, will choose to face the lost feelings calmly, willingly and able to be commensurate with the friendship relationship.
This kind of person, after the breakup, of course, will still retain their feelings.
As the lyrics read:
The breakup should be decent, and no one should say sorry;
It is too late to be vigorous, to retain the dignity of farewell, I love you do not regret and respect the end of the story...
Yes, that affection is not friendship, but like calmly facing an old friend who has lost contact, a hundred feelings are intertwined and there is no word.
Friends can develop into lovers, but lovers are not suitable for friends.
If you have a tacit understanding to become a very good friend, you should be very comfortable with each other, and you will not go to the step of breaking up at all.
But some people still choose to pretend to be friends in order to make it easier to let go.
It is difficult to let go of it, and many couples still choose to be friends after breaking up.
To change the difficulty, although it is not a quick knife to cut the mess, but the intensity of the pain is much smaller.
Friends of the adult world, few confidants of the mountains and rivers.
There is contact, nothing to disturb, sometimes no different from disconnection.
After a breakup, stop being friends.
Since then, the mountains and rivers have not met, and the old people are not asked whether they are long or short.
Each is well, letting each other go, more than anything else.
The author | Wang Jing is a novel creator and an addict to classical literature. Dabbled in Chinese and foreign philosophies, believing but not superstitious. He likes to delve into individual psychology, firmly believes that individuals are active and creative, and there are three or more solutions to everything.