Author: Nan Xiaoxi
Why try to change, but never really get better?
In life, we will find a very common phenomenon:
Many people are trying very hard to change themselves and want to make themselves better, but life is not satisfactory.
Therefore, I would like to ask, is it not enough to work hard in life?
Some people punch cards every day to learn English, never interrupted; some people are constantly examining, posting certificates in the circle of friends after the examination, the certificates are piled up like playing cards, involving a wide range of fields, it seems to be to turn themselves into an all-round baby, what to know a little;
Some mothers are learning all kinds of parenting knowledge, and the circle of friends is full of lectures and course information, full of energy;
There are also people who are dissatisfied with their weight and insist on exercising every day; some people are keen on micro-plastic surgery, learning makeup skills, and dressing themselves beautifully;
Some people learn Chinese medicine and health care, read Buddhist books, and keep walking towards the road of self-cultivation;
……
It sounds like trying to be better at yourself and practicing it is a very positive and correct thing to do.
However, if you approach the lives of these people, you will find that in fact, they are still dissatisfied with their own living conditions, still unhappy, still very anxious inside, and their lives are still "chicken feathers".
The punch-card youth turn their daily tasks into paper lists, ticking off one by one, looking fulfilling and upward.
However, I have heard many punch card youths complain to themselves that as long as they do not cross on the paper according to the plan to eliminate the day's tasks, they will be occupied by anxiety, full of guilt, and they will not be able to live this day at all.
And many mothers who diligently learn parenting knowledge, in the face of their children's delay in learning, still can't control the power of the inner flood, can't help but be mad, and it is difficult to calm down for a long time afterwards, and the parent-child relationship is getting more and more rigid.
There are also some people who study Traditional Chinese medicine health care and Buddhism, originally to obtain inner peace, after a closer chat, they will find that some of them are disappointed in the relationship after divorce, gradually cut off contact with the outside world, and want to use the inner richness to fill the external deficiencies.
But the closer they get to their hearts, the fewer friends they have around, and they become more and more extreme and fierce.
It makes one wonder, what's wrong? Why are these things that seem right, not taking people in the right direction?
To figure this out, we may first need to explore, what drives many people to make changes?
Many people's motivation and drive to change lies in an inner belief: I am a bad person.
So, their efforts to change themselves have swept themselves into a black vortex:
Many people rely on doing something to dispel anxiety, and the result is more anxiety;
Realizing that they are prone to gain and loss in marriage and annoying their husbands, they strive to improve the attractiveness of appearance, but their husbands often ignore themselves, so their sense of lack has not decreased at all;
Because emotional problems are not handled well with the relationship with children, in fact, at this point, parenting knowledge can not help;
Feeling lonely and wanting to seek happiness in a way that enriches oneself, but becoming more and more lonely, it cannot form a self-contained system of inner nature, and it cannot make up for the shortcomings.
In fact, the result of all this is because many people overlook a problem: many people are making efforts that are essentially seeking relationship links.
Continuous learning is to be able to become excellent, to gain the love and recognition of others, so as to abandon the feeling of inferiority, which is largely to improve the relationship with oneself;
Learning parenting knowledge and wanting to become a good mother are essentially pursuing a better parent-child relationship;
People who pay attention to appearance and body shape, many hope that the eyes of their lovers will always stay on their own bodies and maintain a good intimate relationship;
Many people who seek inner perfection through self-cultivation want to solve the loneliness caused by the lack of interpersonal links, and are eager to compensate for the relationships that are not available in the outside world by constantly seeking inward.
Many people force themselves to change in the hope of being loved more in the relationship.
But this can't help but fall into a paradox: how can someone who has not been well loved in a relationship change?
Man does not change unless he is illuminated by love
A counselor has said something very meaningful: a person will not change unless he feels loved.
Thinking of the child in the TV series "Little Joy" who did not grow up around his parents, Ji Yangyang.
Lacking the care and companionship of his parents since childhood, he is undoubtedly missing in family affection. Therefore, he is cold in heart, withdrawn in personality, will also fight and break into trouble, rebellious, disobedient discipline, and his grades are not good.
Fortunately, his parents returned to him during his adolescence.
Fortunately, it was a pair of well-functioning parents who would try to get close to him, understand him, and understand his inner world as much as possible.
In particular, his father Ji Shengli, in order to be able to get close to him, strive to become his friend, to learn and explore his interests, very well expressed the love and tolerance of a father.
Gradually, Ji Yangyang's heart melted, and eventually, he became a warm and loving child who knew how to care for others again.
All his hardness and indifference gradually disintegrated, and his outward behavior gradually became very different from the past.
Especially after his mother Liu Jing suffered from breast cancer, he became responsible, responsible, powerful, and loving, and seemed to have suddenly become an adult.
It can be said that Ji Yangyang will not change, if he is not loved by his parents again.
But what if we can't be children anymore and go back to our parents? Or are we not so lucky to have parents who are so functional?
The movie "Mindcatcher" also gives a good answer.
Will, a mathematical genius, lives a miserable life. Once, after exposing his mathematical talents, he was given the opportunity to see a psychiatrist.
But he severely closed himself up and refused to reveal it, and even attacked the psychiatrist.
Although the psychiatrist will express his anger very truthfully, he will not abandon him like everyone else.
For Will, his link with the psychiatrist is a pattern of "recurrence without repetition"—a recreation of the way he has treated and established relationships with others in the past, but the psychologist does not repeat the trauma of his abandonment.
He eventually melted his usual defensiveness, aggression, and self-depravity in an understanding and supportive relationship with a psychiatrist.
When he finally trusted a good relationship, he finally opened up his potential and grew wings that could fly high.
So it's not hard to see that relationships are everything and that everything we do is for relationships.
The sense of self-worth we seek cannot exist in isolation, it must be a sense of value in relationships.
Will wouldn't change if he hadn't had the privilege of meeting someone in adulthood and seeing himself in that person's eyes.
For only those who have been fully seen, affirmed, and responded to will form a cohesive sense of self.
"Autosensory" is an important concept in autopsychology. To put it in layman's terms, people who feel cohesive in their own body are very clear about who they are, what kind of people they are, and what kind of people they can become. No matter how others judge themselves, how the external environment changes, and how the current situation is, it will not affect their perception and trust in themselves.
They believe they are good and valuable enough. Therefore, they think that going to higher places and achieving higher goals is a natural and natural thing.
Therefore, their efforts are spontaneous, because life is supposed to be like this, positive is life itself, and their hearts will have a steady stream of power that gushes out from within life.
However, as adults, if we have not had such luck once, we still have the opportunity to go back and grow up again in the relationship.
When no change is allowed, change happens
If there is someone in our life who loves us, he will internalize into our inner object.
With this person in our hearts, we can be stable, like an anchor in a chaotic world, anchoring ourselves steadily. If it is missing, it is difficult to find a sense of "self-consistency".
But people who do not have a sense of self-cohesion are different, they need a lot of self-encouragement and beating, this "ascetic" model, is the way many people work hard. They are born with the shadow of "imperfection", constantly chasing themselves, eager to gain the approval of others.
Without a sense of "self-consistency", it is difficult to establish a good relationship with yourself and the world, but through books, some external behavior, and a specific way of effort to establish a relationship, to defend against the feeling that you are very bad.
This bad feeling often accompanies a person all the time, just like Wu Zhihong said: life that has not been illuminated by love, existence itself is a shame. Therefore, many people try to resist this shame and constantly try to make changes. But change, driven by shame, is often futile.
For man will not change, unless he does not change and is allowed.
A friend said that she fell into severe anxiety a few years ago, played chicken blood like work, entrepreneurship and study, and exhausted herself. But after a period of psychological counseling, she is now "not seeking progress" a lot.
Her motivation for studying and working gradually declined, and many times, she could squander a lot of time at night to chase dramas or be in a daze, but she felt that such a time was also very good, and she felt very satisfied and happy to be alone and do nothing.
She is also very satisfied with this "not self-motivated", she can accept that she has "learning boredom", do not have to set so many external standards and goals for herself like others, but find herself again, and have the strength to move forward at her own pace.
She found herself able to develop herself more engagedly in a stable state, and the real change took place.
The other friend's change is not small. In the early years, she was very self-demanding, tiptoeing to contact friends who were not at a level, and did a lot of improvements for this, but she was still constantly disliked, not understood and snubbed.
But when she returned to her own circle, she found that there was a friend around her who really cared about and saw her, and such a relationship was nourishing, safe, and sincere.
After accepting her true self, she found valuable growth resources and support systems, and further gained recognition and support, and she was able to accept herself more.
There is no such stirring sound in the movement, no trees of the same height in the jungle, so that even if we do not pay for the same splendor of life, everyone is the king of his own kingdom.
Everyone needs to understand that they are gifted and born with light. To be yourself, whether it is a good self or a "bad" self, can be allowed and accepted.
No matter what kind of person you are, your existence itself is unique and valuable, and such a self is inherently good.
When you allow yourself not to change, to love yourself and be yourself unconditionally, change naturally occurs.
All people who are trying to change need to understand this: it's not because I'm bad that I need to keep trying to change myself. It's that I work so hard because I'm good enough that I deserve the best in the world.
This article was first published in the public account Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, and unauthorized reprinting is strictly prohibited