When you are "autistic", you feel that the world is worth it.
Yesterday at home I fried a steak for my sister, the taste is not bad, I am ready to take out my mobile phone to take a picture to take a souvenir.
Then my sister said coldly, "Shoot what you shoot, you don't send a circle when you shoot..."
After she said this, it inexplicably touched my sensitive nerves. After eating, I flipped through my circle of friends.
A few years ago, a few simple photos, with a copy that thought it was very literary, looked forward to the happy likes and comments of passers-by in the circle of friends, as if through interaction, the feelings between us can immediately heat up.
However, it wasn't until July 2019, after sending out graduation photos, that my circle of friends came to an abrupt end. No longer frequently send a circle of friends, and no longer keen to brush the circle of friends.
It seems that the noise of the world has nothing to do with me anymore, and the people around my story can no longer empathize.
Later, when I went home, I had to find a little play, and I no longer liked to contact friends, and "home" became my daily routine.
In my mom's words: I really don't live without friends.
Yes, after college, I was autistic.
When I was in college, I was extremely keen to look outward for the value of my existence.
Participate in many clubs and organizations, frequently deal with teachers, and eat and play with classmates and friends.
At that time, I felt that the approval of others was very important to me.
I was afraid that others would say that I was not good, afraid that the consequences of dealing with something did not satisfy many people, and I was even more afraid that the teacher would disappoint me...
So I've been living in the eyes of other people's expectations and not wanting to disappoint them.
Fortunately, I followed these expectations all the way down and gave me a lot of positive feedback, so I didn't let myself get lost on the road, but became better than ever.
Yiran is my cousin, after 00, in college. My aunt told me to chat with her more and guide her to study hard. I just pay more attention to her occasionally.
As a daily hair ring show, she has not moved recently, and I am surprised.
As a result, she said to me: "I really envy people who can have dozens of likes in the circle of friends, and I don't have more than 5." The sense of loss that no one cared about kept me away from the hair ring. ”
In her, I felt as if I had seen my former self.
We are used to giving each other a glamorous appearance, and we are also used to appearing beautifully in the circle of friends to get a due feedback, trying to find our own value from these feedback.
Without sustained feedback, we will be lost and sad, and we will want to flee.
But we in the besieged city always don't know it.
For your cousin, how many of the people who think they like it really care about how you're doing?
For me, the disappointment that I think others will produce is nothing more than a shackle imposed on myself.
Last week, I passed through Qi County with my family and went to the Qiao family compound. Along the way, my mother kept asking me to take pictures of her.
As a post-95 generation, I am embarrassed to pose as a scissor hand, and my mother, an old aunt after 70, poses extremely childishly, simply "hot eyes".
I patted the side of the road and said disgustedly: "Don't shoot, passers-by are still watching." ”
But the mother never has the slightest embarrassment, and always maintains the ignorance and fearlessness of a child.
In fact, this ignorance and fearlessness is also the quality that I have always admired for her.
Ever since I can remember, my mom has given me the feeling of living a sincere and happy life. That happiness is only about how I am, not about other people.
When I grew up, the most she said to me was: I don't care about you, and you don't care about me. (But in fact she managed me and wouldn't let me take care of her)
But her "leave me alone" is that she doesn't want to bind herself with other people's demands. And this courage not to live in the expectations of others is what many of us lack, including me.
We've been growing up and we've been getting older, and we've seen a lot of people along the way, and they've had a great time, but they're a mess.
I always feel that I am inferior to others, I have become cowardly, I am confused, and I always hope that I will live as myself in the eyes of others.
But looking back, what you see must be true? Do you care about the ones that really matter?
Now I feel that it is not that our mother is naïve, but that we think we are mature.
I used to envy those who were willing to share, what they did, what they ate, what they experienced, they all appealed to their hearts in the circle of friends, and their confident lifestyle made people feel harsh and beautiful.
Today, I will also silently and sincerely like, appreciate and bless.
But I also retain a silence of my own, the courage to think independently and the courage not to be known.
Even when I share joy, it is not to expect a senseless interaction, but to sincerely say hello to the world.
A recent revisiting of George Bernanos' Diary of a Village Priest, when the priest died with a cross, uttered his last words: "All is divine grace." ”
And the suffering or the goodness that the world gives us, the hope and the disappointment, are all blessings, and the most important thing is to be able to maintain a heart in the secular world.
And this original heart is the true appearance of oneself, regardless of the expectations and vision of others.
"Autism" is not self-isolation, but a necessary state of cultivation on the road of life, and it is also the way for us to re-understand ourselves, reflect on ourselves, and precipitate our own survival.
A year after graduating from college, I began to enjoy this feeling of "autism" and the moments when I had a conversation with my heart.
Running every day, reading, writing...
When you encounter a lot of heart matters, write a journal and go out for two laps; if you are tired, play the guitar to relieve fatigue; if you are sad, you will be immersed in the music and silently shed a few tears.
At the best age, we should look for "I expect" instead of living in "being expected".
......
Try "autism" and you'll feel like it's worth it.