Find a quiet corner and enter the spiritual time and space that belongs to "me".
Last week introduced the methodology of self-discovery - iceberg excavation, which is more abstract and not easy to understand for small partners who are exposed to iceberg theory for the first time. It is also normal to feel this way.
"How do you respond to this situation?" Haha, this is also a very good material for self-discovery.
This week we start with the shallow layers under the iceberg, from the level of consciousness, a clearer understanding of " who am I" ?
Coaching has taught me that most people don't know much more about themselves than they do about those around them. We often ponder other people's thoughts and ignore our own inner voice.
There is a saying that if you don't control your own destiny, it will be dominated by others.
Increasing the "clarity" of self-awareness can help us better handle challenges in all aspects of life, such as
Personal Development: How to Choose a Career? Should I read any more books? Do you want to jump ship? Should I quit my job to start a business?
Priority: How do you balance work-life? Family or career, which one is more important? Children, do you want to have children?
Life Drive: I don't think it's interesting to do anything, what should I do? Why is life unmotivated? Change is too difficult, always three days of fishing and two days of drying nets?
Know "Who am I?" "What do I want?" Can make us better:
Feel the meaning of life
See the way forward
Be aware of every choice in life
01
A useful diagram
Combining my own experiences with the theory of the "self" in psychology, I will provide you with a systematic model - the "self" model. Of course, the framework itself doesn't give you the answer you want, it only helps you get to your destination more efficiently.
The "self" model is divided into three parts. They are value systems, self-concepts, and self-traits. Each of these sections can be subdivided. In this system, the value system is like "heaven". Look up at the stars and look for the meaning of life, where your energy merges with the entire universe. Self-traits are like "ground." Here's your pool of resources, down-to-earth, turning dreams into reality. Self-concept is like "people." Standing between heaven and earth, you are your own strategist, and you are also the key to connecting the energy of heaven, earth, and man.
Let's introduce each part separately.
02
Value system
Whether you know your value system or not, you have established your own, unique value system. When you make a "judgment," when you make a "choice," when you need to "compromise," when you look for a "reason," the voices and ideas that come up in your head are the spokespeople for the value system.
Why is there no value in place, but a value system? Because values are relative, they only make sense if they are observed in the system. Prioritization is the key to recognizing the value system.
What are the values?
Values are people's abiding beliefs about an ideal way of behaving or in a state. There are several features,
Unique to humans. Both animals and humans have needs, but only humans have the cognitive ability to express values.
Durable stability. Once values are formed, it takes a lot of effort to change them.
Universally applicable. There are no specific themes that act on every aspect of our lives.
Not many. There are not hundreds or thousands, some are universal values, some are influenced by social culture.
Ideals and beliefs. The ideal way of behaving or the ideal state.
How to judge your own value system?
Being able to objectively judge your own values is really not a simple thing, we often confuse,
Double Standards: Is this what you want to see in others? Or what you ask of yourself?
Divergent: Do your actions justify your choice?
Emotional color: Human language itself carries a strong emotional color.
Let me give you an example. Loyalty and the pursuit of truth. These two are taken out separately and are of very good quality. Put together, there will be conflict. The other side of loyalty is that it is not right for people. And the pursuit of truth requires the right thing and the wrong person. In the face of loyalty and the pursuit of truth, which one will you choose? Can it be reflected in action?
Each "value" has two sides, penetrating the definition of the language itself, in order to see the internal relationship between different "values". If you want to have a deeper understanding of your value system, welcome to move to the "Resource Library" for [Value System Test].
03
Self-concept
What determines your life is not what you say in your mouth, but the whispers you say to yourself, which are the most powerful! — Robert Kiyosaki
I remember when I was a kid watching Cinderella, I always thought that the crystal shoes were magical. Later, I gradually understood that the real magic is when we "feel" that the crystal shoe is magical. The real power comes from within ourselves, and it is our minds that limit ourselves. The reason we look for identity on the "outside" is because we always feel that the "inside" is not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not worthy of love.
The Self-Concept can be subdivided into three parts. Self-impression, me in the eyes of others, ideal self.
Self-image refers to what kind of person I "feel" am. It largely and continuously affects our sense of well-being and satisfaction. The so-called "opinion" is a kind of "judgement". In the cultural atmosphere of our country, everyone wants to become a person with an "above average score", hoping to become a dragon and a woman to become a phoenix. We feel "confident" when the outside world gives us "positive" feedback; we feel "inferior" when the outside world doesn't reciprocate, or gets a negative response.
An important component of self-perception is self-esteem. "I am my best friend and my most terrible enemy." Self-esteem built on "judgment," too high or too low, can be detrimental to our mental health.
Inferiority - Excessive self-esteem
Source network
Feelings of inferiority are feelings of "not being good enough to be loved." This is an intrinsic "belief", not an objective fact. People with low self-esteem cannot objectively evaluate themselves, and when they are with others, they always feel that they are inferior to others. Inferiority comes from the experience of the original family, lack of love, not understood, lack of sense of accomplishment. Most people have a sense of inferiority, and on some level, it's what drives us to be better.
Superiority - Excessive self-esteem
Arrogance, on the contrary, is inferiority, a "sense of superiority that is stronger than others." This is also an intrinsic "belief" rather than an objective fact. Adler believed that the essence of arrogance was an attempt to overcompensate inferiority. He pursues not the achievement of "things", but the sense of superiority when compared to "others". Arrogance is often strongly correlated with "narcissistic personality", the essence of which is the expansion of the "self".
The Persona in the eyes of others refers to what kind of person I feel "should" be, formed by personal life experiences, social and cultural influences. We all want to be socially and collectively accepted, afraid of rejection. "I don't want to do it, but I have to do it, or people will think I'm an outlier."
The Ideal Self-image refers to what kind of person I "want" to be, the ideal self.
When I look at me, the gap between me and the ideal self is too large, and I will produce depressed emotions.
When I look at me and the others look too far away from me, I will have anxious emotions.
The greater the overlap between the self impression, the self in the eyes of others, the ideal self, the higher the identity of the "self". The higher the "identity" of the self, the healthier the self-concept.
How do you build a healthy self-concept?
Self-reflection: Listen to your inner voices about yourself. How am I performing? How do I look?
Seeking Feedback: Seeking/giving feedback is a very important ability. Ask your friends, colleagues, family. How would you describe me in three adjectives? What do you think is special about me?
Balance between inside and outside: Don't let society define you, and often reflect and correct why "I am in the eyes of others" should look like this?
Be vigilant: Don't indulge in self-judgment or self-criticism, and when you feel the signs, sound the alarm in your head and take action to stop.
Respect yourself: Do what you say, care about your own words, care about your own time. Don't take your words seriously, so that your subconscious will feel that there is no need to take "you" seriously.
04
Self-traits
Self-traits are your resources and are also divided into three broad categories. My strengths, my interests, my preferences.
My specialty
Strengths include knowledge, skills and talents. Research suggests that people who play with their talents are more likely to succeed.
How do you find your strengths? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:
What do people say when they praise me?
Where in your professional or personal life do you "excel"?
What parts of your job do better than others or others?
What abilities and skills have made you proudest so far?
What are the things for you that you can do well without effort and that are difficult for others?
You can also do some professional tests, and the more authoritative is Gallup's advantage recognizer. It divides its strengths into four major parts, namely execution, relationship building, strategic thinking, and influence. Each section is subdivided into a number of sub-items. I think there is some reference value. In the test results of the previous years, I scored the highest score in "relationship building", and the number one specialty was "Developer". This may also explain why I like to do BD and I like to do Coaching.
My interest
When I was in school, I never really thought about where my interests were. As a post-80s generation, our generation cares too little about themselves. Today's children are much happier, and at a very young age, they have the opportunity to experience and develop different interests and hobbies. There was a time in college where I "enjoyed" watching football. It's actually pretended, for the sake of gregariousness. The environment has changed, and the flame of "interest" has naturally been extinguished.
What is interest? I summarize three points.
Intrinsic Drive: The real interest is intrinsic motivation. How do you know if it's intrinsically driven? You can ask yourself, if you can't share the experience of doing this with anyone, will you continue to do it? When screening resumes, many people will write about their hobby of "traveling", if you can go anywhere you want, but you can't send a circle of friends, you can't share your experience with anyone. Do you still feel that "traveling" is your hobby?
Enjoyment Process: Interest in enjoying the process without focusing on the outcome. You can ask yourself, if you could have the results of doing this right now, would you continue to do it? For example, "fitness", if you can get the body you want without training hard, body fat ratio, will you still choose to continue to work out?
Comparative advantage: Faced with choices and trade-offs, you will still choose it. Ask yourself, if you only had 3 years left to live, would you still choose to do it?
If "these(s) things" meet the above three criteria, congratulations, you have found your own interest.
My preferences
Preference refers to your innate personality or psychological preference patterns. For example, some people like to spend time with people, and some people like to stay in their inner world. Some people "see" to learn more efficiently, and some people "listen" to learn more efficiently. Some people like to plan and follow the steps, and some people are spontaneous and think of what to do. Some people like to think with their brains, and some people like to feel with their hearts. There is no right or wrong in preference. Each has its own strengths and weaknesses. You can have both. Just prefer one of them. There are many benefits to knowing our preferences, including how they affect our choices, how they affect our communication style, and how to better work with people with different preferences.
To give a very simple example, travel with a small partner. Usually I would ask his preference, "How do you like to plan your trip every day?" Some friends are like me, very casual, and some friends like to mark each attraction on the map and use excel to make an accurate hourly itinerary. Knowing the preferences of my peers, I will consciously adjust myself and will also communicate in advance about problems that may arise due to different preferences.
There are many personality preference tests available online. The MYERS-Briggs Type Indicator is recommended here, which originated from Jung's eight-dimensional personality taxonomy in the 1950s. The MBTI is also a common part of leadership training. For specific classifications, please refer to the following figure.
The above is the "self" model, each part is important, and it may take a while to really think clearly. It doesn't matter, don't be afraid of slow, just afraid of stopping. Preferably, you can find a small partner, go together, and start a journey of self-discovery together, which is called "looking in the mirror" in coaching terms.
Finally, share a short video - mask. (Please move to the Princess)
You can see how much the outside world is affecting us.
Remember not to let society define you! My life, I decide!