Hello teacher, I am 28 years old and have not been in love. My sister once asked me for help and took me to their party. At this party, I met the brother of my sister's classmate, he may have a good feeling for me, and then he began to contact me very actively to meet, I had a good impression of him, but my self-esteem is particularly strong, and it is not easy to trust others.
So when I talk to him, I always unconsciously pour cold water on him. I never took the initiative to contact the boy, and slowly he did not take the initiative to find me. I especially didn't want to take the initiative to find him, but if he didn't take the initiative to find me, I was very uncomfortable, and I couldn't stand his snub.
But once he comes to me, I still talk to myself. And because he wasn't looking for me, I felt hurt and couldn't help but shed tears. I can't sleep every day now, I struggle with it repeatedly, and I don't know if I like him or not. It is always impossible to control myself, I want to chat with him, but every time I still pour cold water on him, after a few words of chat, he ignores me again, and the result is the same every time.
My sister said that I am not suitable like this, but I feel that I have no problem with myself, male and female love is originally a boy who takes the initiative to find me, I hope to think that he comes to take the initiative to find me every day, what should I do?
Hello girl, although you are 28 years old, your heart may still be stuck in the stage of a few years old. And at that stage, you are forced to experience a brief separation from your parents. But this separation is something you can never understand and you don't want to understand.
This is inferred from your attachment patterns. Judging by your description, you are very typical of paradoxical attachment. That is to say, to treat people who want to be close, they want to be close and want to escape. You present a very screwed feeling, so that the people you get along with also feel uncomfortable, so your relationship can never be closer.
We generally have 4 attachment patterns, safe type,
Contradictory, avoidant and anxious. The manifestation of contradiction is two-sided conflict, that is, both avoidance and anxiety, in layman's terms, the heart wants to be close, and once it is close, it wants to escape. Therefore, this self-contradictory attachment pattern is the most difficult for people to enter the emotional relationship, because the inner conflict of the self is very large, and the feeling presented is also that they want to be left and want to be right. But how can one thing be both wanted and wanted? Needless to say that boys don't like it that much, even if the other person likes it very much, they can't figure out how to get along with such people.
First of all, you can realize that you are pouring cold water on the other person, because when you meet him, this pattern will make you feel insecure, so subconsciously want to push away. By pouring cold water, you can keep it from getting too close to you.
After your goal is achieved, the other party is really reluctant to be close to you, and is not willing to take the initiative to chat with you. This makes you feel bad because there is still anxiety in you urging you.
At the beginning, the boy was quite active, indicating that he had feelings for you, and you wanted to contact him so much, indicating that you were very fond of him, but fell into the past mode and could not extricate yourself.
So this fate in front of you is reminding you that you can break through yourself again, you are no longer the helpless child you were, and you can achieve intimacy for your inner desire.
The specific method is not to push him away, but also to take the initiative to talk to him appropriately. As long as it is not to confess, it does not matter if the girl takes the initiative, you can realize that you are pouring cold water on it, do not pour it again, if you can't overcome the inner sense of avoidance, try to talk as little as possible, even if you smile at him, let him feel your liking and attachment to him. In WeChat, you can do more positive responses to make him feel different from you, which will make him rekindle his interest in you.
In love, there will be a variety of love personality performances, anxiety and contradiction type, avoidance and processing type, fear and confusion type, obsessive indifference type, and security type. Among them, the secure type is the healthiest attachment type, and it is easier to have long-term feelings.
Dear friend, do you also want the other party to care more about yourself, but the other party is very reluctant to escape? Obviously, I long for love, but after I really meet it, I want to withdraw. Obviously knowing that the other party is busy, but still can't help but think wildly, obviously want to express concern, but it has become a blame.
All of the above is a problem with your attachment patterns, causing your relationship route to go haywire.
Attachment patterns are, to put it bluntly, our love personality, and this relationship is developed in childhood and accompanies us into adulthood. It has a great impact on our concept of love and the route of love.
Attachment style not only affects the relationship, but also indirectly predicts the quality of marriage. So what type of attachment patterns do you have?
What if it is not a secure attachment personality? Don't worry, I have three ways to form a secure attachment here, which can help you become a secure attachment personality, so that you can correctly handle his feelings, and let him accompany you to the end while hurting you and taking care of you. In the days to come, we will share slowly.
Life is not easy, have me accompany you.
I wish you happiness!