I'm happy to be with you. You are my friend, my little friend, and my boyfriend. You have too many places around me. I have a different affection for you than the average boyfriend.
From the deepening of our feelings, I know that you are definitely not an indispensable presence in my life. Sure enough, you took up the whole space of my life. Don't doubt it, it's something I didn't expect either. I don't know when I became more and more dependent on you, and it seemed that I had to ask you every decision, for fear that I would not like to make your decision, because it would make me feel painful.
Relying too much on one person is not always a good thing. What he used to do that I felt very useful and touched gradually made me take for granted, from the "He actually did this for me..." to "Why didn't he do it...!" "The look of abomination. Like him and depend on him, so hopefully he will set his sights on me. From his initial appearance to his later unconscious tantrums, I tried to influence him to prove his love for me, so much so that there were often inevitable quarrels over the force. This was extremely distressing to me.
I didn't want to lose my temper because I knew in my heart that it might push him away. So I seemed to want to take a euphemistic approach, but because of the anger in my heart, I made the soft words become guns and sticks. When I say that, I always think that if he says "miss me" or responds to me with a soft word, I will be reconciled. Unfortunately, for various reasons, our minds cannot always be in the same straight line, and contradictions and conflicts inevitably occur, and yes, this still makes me extremely miserable.
Whenever this happens, I often wonder if I can get rid of this pain if I leave the relationship. The words of determination have been hit in the dialog box, but they can't be sent out, because I know that I can't bear it. I've also come to the conclusion in countless scenarios that without this relationship, I might get wet with pillowcases for countless nights. Or maybe I can walk out and put him down under the chicken soup of countless TikTok bloggers. But I think I'll still burst into tears in countless scenes with him. Whenever we quarrel over contradictions, my heart always jumps between "leaving" and "staying.".
It's pathetic that the first formal relationship was so painful for me to talk about. I have hated my own character countless times, and I have advised myself countless times, don't do this, don't think about him, leave him alone. But how can that warm affection be suppressed? So I suffered again and again in a cage I had made up. Yes, I still think that the essence of suffering comes from myself.
I always don't know what to say when I am conflicted, and I always say something insincere to hurt others and hurt myself when I am in my blood. Never calmly resolving the contradiction, always picking at the dilemma, and finally throwing all the words to the wet pillow. People are always like this, thoughts are one thing, sensibility is another. Many things are clear in my heart, but because of that strange awkwardness, I would rather be a gourd with a sawed mouth than open my mouth.
In the past, I always laughed at the protagonists in romantic dramas for being too stupid, so painfully sadistic, but I was unwilling to explain it well. It was only after I fell in love that I understood this tangled situation. I understand, but I also deeply feel that this kind of behavior is so stupid. Why not explain, why let time burn away each other's feelings.
It may be this kind of thinking that prompted me to write this long story at this point in time. In fact, by the time you read the text, I've cursed the idiot in the Revenge Book (which is boring and stupid).
