Hello everyone, I'm Mommy.
Last month, Zhang Yuqi's new relationship was exposed.
Eating melon netizens are all surprised, did not expect Zhang Yuqi to be in love with the last boyfriend officially announced that she was in love for less than half a year, and changed to a new boyfriend? zz
In the breaking video, Zhang Yuqi and a boy walked into the wedding dress shop. Many people who eat melons wonder: Is she getting married again?
After the two came out, Zhang Yuqi snuggled in the arms of the boy and snuggled, exuding the breath of a little woman in love
The identity of the boy was quickly pickpocketed: Zhang Mohuai, formerly known as Lu Yongzhuo, 10 years younger than Zhang Yuqi, model, actor, the two cooperated in "Mistaken into Glitz" to meet.
In just a few days, his Weibo followers increased to hundreds of thousands. Ridiculed by netizens as: In order to become famous, how can I even change my surname?
Interestingly, the name change occurred not long before the romance was exposed. It's hard not to think that exposing a relationship may be to add heat to your boyfriend.
After all, the previous boyfriend Li Shanxi, who was in love with Zhang Yuqi for several months, acted in TV dramas, variety shows, and had a personal studio... "Harvest" is quite abundant.
Zhang Yuqi, the "fresh meat" boyfriend changed stubble after stubble, and many people compared her to "mainland Xiao Yaxuan".
The point is that the object of her love affair today is not at all the same as before.
The first husband, Wang Quan'an, and the second husband, Yuan Bayuan, are all older than her, at least they look mature and stable, and have a successful career.
Why did her view of love change so extremely before and after the divorce?
In fact, a careful analysis will find that she has a lot of ordinary people's shadows.
Her parents divorced at the age of 3, Zhang Yuqi ran with her mother, and the turmoil in the family led to her lack of security from an early age.
A child who has not been accompanied by his father since childhood must desire fatherly love, and this feeling can easily be transferred to the opposite sex.
Zhang Yuqi once said about her father: Although there was no companionship of her father when I was a child, I think my father is very important, and whether a woman can be happy will really be affected by her father.
The impact is clear —
Several of her marriages are old husband and young wives, not so much marriage, but rather a little girl who lacks love is looking for a long-lost sense of security.
Even though Wang Quan'an has mediocre financial resources and Yuan Bayuan is addicted to gambling, their common denominator is that "older and more successful careers" can give her the sense of security she needs.
She once said that her vision of choosing a man is not very good.
The absence of father's love obscures her correct understanding of men, and naturally there is no skill in identifying scumbags, which is doomed to more harm in her interaction with men.
This is also what I want to discuss with you today: the relationship between childhood and parents affects the relationship with the lover to a certain extent.
One netizen told his story:
In my memory, my father was always absent:
Every day when I came home from school, I was greeted only by my mother;
Every time before dinner, I would call my father and ask if he would come home for dinner;
I was watching a TV series and he didn't say a word to change to the sports station...
Without her father's concern, she became an extremely insecure person, which also affected the concept of mate selection.
When she grew up, her love objects were all uncle types. After reading some psychology books, she understood that this was because she wanted to get back her lost father's love.
She said "I don't have expectations for marriage because my parents' marriage is suffocating and I don't want to replicate that life".
But the paradox of reality is that those you desperately want to escape from make you fall deeper and deeper.
She obviously hated her father, but in the end she chose a partner like her father.
Her story reminds me of a sentence: what I lost from my parents when I was young will be made up by my other half when I grow up.
If this is one extreme, some people will go to the other extreme — to correct the trauma of childhood by modifying the other half.
A counselor once received a female client like this:
She's talked to several boyfriends before, and oddly enough, they all have violent tendencies. After entering the marriage, she found that her husband even had violent tendencies, living like hell every day, and she felt that her "life" was too bitter.
She wasn't sure if all men were like that or if she was too unlucky. For this reason, I have asked myself countless times, "Why do I always meet scum"?
Through in-depth chat, the counselor finally found the crux of the problem: when she was a child, she was often beaten by her father, and for this reason she thought about suicide countless times. When she grew up, even though her heart was full of resistance, in her subconscious, she always wanted to find someone like her father and transform him.
Realizing this, she no longer endured her husband's violence, she bravely divorced, no longer obsessed with reforming anyone, and finally completely freed from the shadow of childhood.
Her story reaffirms that childhood relationships with parents affect marriage. Moreover, this effect is often subtle, it slowly penetrates into the skin, flesh, bone marrow, and does not exert the effect after years of dormancy in the body.
As netizen @I once loved the wind said:
For as long as I can remember, my parents often quarreled and fought. My attitude went from fear to apathy and boredom.
Unsurprisingly, now I am not good at getting along with the opposite sex, I don't know how to show weakness, I don't spoil, I don't have fun... As a result, my relationships were all failures, and it also made me discouraged from marriage.
Psychoanalysis believes that we always look for the shadow of our parents in our opposite-sex partners.
Even the famous psychologist Wu Zhihong was deeply affected. Once, in an interview, he rarely talked about his feelings and marriage.
He confessed that several girlfriends, regardless of age, were psychologically the same type: ungrateful, naïve, willful, unreasonable.
At first he thought it was just a coincidence, but when he discovered that his brother's wife was also of this type, keenly he began to reflect on his native family.
When he was a child, his mother always maintained a sense of distance from him, polite and unfamiliar.
Although the mother never scolded him, she never established an intimate relationship with her child.
He recalled that his mother rarely laughed and was not good at expressing emotions. He got one of the few hugs because he grabbed his mother's clothes and didn't let go.
He did not dare to ask for his mother's love for fear of rejection.
His sensitive personality makes him very observant and take care of people when he grows up, so he attracts girls who like to rely on others.
With such a girl, he keeps giving and has no self at all.
He once tried to fall in love with a girl with an independent personality, but found that there was no common topic at all.
He finally wanted to understand that subconsciously, he needed a dependent lover. The other party's dependence has given him security and confidence.
Wu Zhihong sighed: In fact, I put the baby that was forgotten and ignored by my mother in my childhood on my girlfriend. The girlfriend is overly dependent, also because of childhood trauma and fear of abandonment.
Wu Zhihong no longer blames his girlfriend, but also learns to refuse the unreasonable demands of the other party: you can rely on me, but I also need my own space.
Later they learned to respect each other and their relationship got better and better.
Unhappiness in marriage doesn't always come from our parents, but early relationships with our parents do have an impact on our married lives.
What we have to do is to correctly find and look at this impact, face it calmly, and actively heal out of the haze.
Our relationships with our loved ones, our relationships with our parents, are essentially attachments. There is also the phrase "where did you grow up in childhood, and where do you go back when you become an adult?"
Although many people don't realize this, the fact is that our marriage is inevitably influenced by our parents.
This effect is not always negative.
A netizen said:
"For as long as I can remember, my parents have always respected each other like guests and never even quarreled. My dad was also rarely absent from my upbringing, whether it was cooking, commuting to and from school, having parent-teacher conferences... He has always been invisible.
Growing up in such a family, I also learned to share responsibilities.
I am responsible for my spouse, I am responsible for my children... Learn to take responsibility like dad. Because of this, my wife's heart is rich and warm, and I rarely hear her complaining and complaining.
After more than ten years of marriage, we have a better and better relationship and have cultivated empathetic children. ”
His marriage is enviable, but unfortunately, imperfection is the norm in most marriages.
If your childhood is scarred and your marriage is not satisfactory, then ask your heart: Is this pain due to the influence of childhood intimacy, or are you eager to make up for the shortcomings of childhood through your partner?
If it is the former, I would like to tell you: no longer cling to the pain of the original family, try to learn from the pain, use experience and wisdom to reconcile with the past, and start a new life.
If it's the latter, you have to understand that your partner is not a parent, they can't bring you lost longing, and filling in the regrets of the past through a partner or marriage is likely to lose both.
Because they are not parents, you are not your past self.
The Courage to Be Hated says, "What determines us is not our past experiences, but the meaning we ourselves give to them." ”
Just as we cannot choose the family of origin, we can choose the degree to which it is affected.
Light up "Watching" -
Instead of waiting for others to give you happiness, you should take the initiative to redeem yourself.
Break the shell that imprisons you, and happiness will meet unexpectedly