How does "low self-esteem" come about?

What is self-esteem?

You can be confident, inferior, or somewhere in between. If you always feel good about yourself, you have healthy self-esteem and are full of confidence. If you feel bad, you will feel inferior and lack self-confidence. In the 1960s, the social psychologist Maurice M. Morris Rosenberg conducted extensive research on self-esteem. One component of self-esteem is your "knowledge" of yourself. These perceptions include your personality, talents, qualities, abilities, and quirks. Another component of self-esteem is the way you look at these perceptions: You look at them with a positive or negative mindset (you don't even realize your own mindset). You might think that these two parts make up the whole thing about self-esteem. But there's a third component, Rosenberg says: how seriously you value those perceptions.

All sorts of "headwinds" can creep into this complex concept. For example, you may know some of your own qualities, but not all of them. You think it's negative for what others think is positive; for what you think is important, others don't think so. As a result, people with almost the same "qualities" may have completely different senses of self-esteem. This is why a person who is ostensibly successful and has a lot of good qualities may still firmly believe that "I am a loser" or "I am not good". Others, though not outstanding at all, may be happy with themselves.

So, in reality, what is low self-esteem? Your negative core beliefs are stored in your memory and are always there. You rarely think about your own characteristics or how you evaluate them. You're less likely to notice how your personality, skills, and talents manifest themselves in the things you do every day. You're also unlikely to find some traits or talents more important than others. What you really care about is your final conclusion or overall view. Emotions that correspond to these conclusions or perceptions are easily remembered. Even if you don't consciously want to remember them, the impact of your core beliefs is powerful. Core beliefs affect your self-esteem and self-confidence, and they also affect your perception: it is a mirror of how you perceive yourself and the world around you.

"Farewell to low self-esteem, rebuild self-confidence" by Manja De Neef, translator: Dong Dai, version: Huazhang Psychological | Machinery Industry Press, September 2021

This article is excerpted from the second chapter of "Farewell to Low Self-Esteem and Rebuilding Self-Confidence" with the permission of the publishing house, and some of the content (such as case details, etc.) has been abridged.

What if your sense of self-esteem is low?

People with low self-esteem always have a negative view of themselves – their core beliefs are negative. For example, Dennis thinks "I'm a loser," while Michael concludes that almost everything he does is: "I'm worthless." These are not just accidental thoughts. Every idea is based on a firm belief, and every idea is not followed by a question mark, but an exclamation point! This negative belief can be activated at any time. For example, if you are criticized, your negative core beliefs will immediately jump out like dolls in a doll's box. Other stored memories are also added, overlapping and overlapping. You'll think of a lot of things: the criticism you received last week, the experience of failure, the tasks that were not perfectly accomplished. You'll also think of the nature and meaning you've given to past events, and beliefs like "I'm clumsy," "I can't hold on," "I'm sloppy," "I'm stupid, and so on, come up. This will prevent you from seeing things correctly. Once again, you'll come to the same conclusion: "I'm worthless." When this conclusion is intertwined with strong negative emotions such as fear, sadness, anger, or shame, you store more negative information and reinforce your negative beliefs.

People with healthy self-esteem see themselves objectively. They think they're good. Despite their flaws (and they admit it themselves), they believe they are useful. They are more likely to remember their successes than to fail, and their positive memories are more likely to be awakened. For example, they can easily recall that they did a good job yesterday, or solved a problem last week, or met a nice person last summer. They consider themselves independent, resourceful, and a good partner. This kind of thinking and positive emotions are complementary. They are able to avoid criticism and feel optimistic about their future. They are confident. Some people have too much self-esteem and become overconfident. They see themselves too perfectly to face their flaws and are completely insensitive to criticism. These people tend to put themselves above the "rules."

Selective perception and selective memory

In cognitive behavioral therapy, cognition is often thought of as "thoughts": ideas or one-sided explanations that are biased against everyday reality. In fact, "cognition" refers to a more complex mechanism, that is, "cognitive processing of information": how is the received information processed and how is it archived? Is everything going into memory? If so, how did you get in? Where is the information stored? Can you retrieve it again at some later time? In cognitive behavioral therapy, negative core beliefs are likened to bias. If you're biased about something, you're no longer going to see it as it is, because you're looking at it from a particular perspective. In the case of the unconscious, some information can easily enter your memory, while other information is difficult or impossible to enter at all. The result of this is that you only see what you unconsciously want to believe. This is a natural process that everyone goes through, and you can only cope with it through constant effort.

Your memory can be likened to an archive filled with boxes large and small. Frequently used boxes are placed at a height equal to the line of sight and are easy to see. Those rarely used are hidden behind. Unfortunately, errors sometimes occur in stored procedures, so many events and experiences are put in the wrong box. This means that in your life, you may form unnecessarily negative perceptions of yourself. Once such a negative core belief is formed, every time you open the door of the archives, you will see a big box marked "I am a loser" that you simply can't get around. It's as if you hear a voice: "Keep it here." This is where it belongs, and so are the other failures. Information related to your negative beliefs reinforces your bias against yourself. Positive messages that don't align with negative beliefs, such as praise, can be ignored or distorted and eventually become negative as well. In this way, you will collect more and more negative information, and the label "I am a loser" will become more and more plump.

Information processing in people with low self-esteem is characterized by "unfavorable". Selective perception makes it easier for you to see "failure." If you do succeed in something, you will hardly admit it or think it doesn't matter. Even if you admit that you have achieved a little success, you will find mistakes in many more things. Information that does not match the failure is remodeled or distorted, making it eventually negative. This is known as a "cognitive distortion." Most of the things that selective memories make you remember are consistent with your negative perceptions of yourself, such as the criticism you receive after a speech and your understanding of it: "I must be stupid. The box marked "I'm a loser" quickly filled up! Some of the positive experiences you store in your memories are placed in a small box in the back row. If you want to store something there, it takes a lot of effort. The result of selective perception is that you are still trapped in a negative view of yourself. To make a difference, you'll need to wear a different pair of glasses, work hard to find positive information and experiences, and store them in a small box in the back row. By doing so, you'll reinforce positive core beliefs.

Causes of low self-esteem

An important measure of self-esteem is the way a person behaves. People who feel negative about themselves will behave differently than people who feel positive about themselves. If you're sure you're stupid, you're not going to ask questions in front of a room full of people. If you think you're clumsy, you'll leave the chores at home to someone else. Your actions are the result of your feelings, which is logical. However, that's not the whole story, because your feelings are also the result of your actions. By observing your own behavior, you can draw conclusions about who you are, your personality, and your qualities. If you want to boost your self-confidence, you need to do more than just learn to see yourself differently. It's also important that you start behaving differently.

The causes of low self-esteem are not single, as many factors can have an impact on the development of a person's confidence. We are not yet sure how these factors interact, but the following factors may have an impact:

inclined. Scientists believe that when we come into this world, we are not a blank canvas. Instead, a lot of things are determined by our genes, and everyone is born with a certain tendency, sensitivity, or vulnerability.

Family. A person's self-esteem develops very early and begins in the first two years of your birth. Unpleasant childhood experiences include being ignored, receiving little attention and appreciation, being criticized a lot, and demanding of you that is not commensurate with your age. The competitive atmosphere in the family, being appreciated in only one aspect, or often comparing it to siblings, can make the child feel that he is "not good enough". Emotional neglect and abuse often cause children to think they are "bad." Growing up in an overprotected environment can also have negative consequences.

School, environment, peers, important others. For some, meetings of classmates or peers from different backgrounds make them feel like an outsider. If they are bullied, they are bombarded with negative information. Bullying often not only affects their lives, but also insults their entire personality.

Nationality. Proverbs, aphorisms and quotes reflect the core values of society. There are many English proverbs that disapprove of positive evaluation of oneself, resistance to "arrogance" or "conceit".

Survival strategies. Many people develop a strategy at an early age to protect themselves from failure and rejection and from facing their low self-esteem. This strategy exists as a set of "rules of life", including codes of conduct such as "ensure ..., otherwise...". However, this does not make low self-esteem disappear; rather, it only reinforces it.

Therefore, a person's self-esteem is determined by genes and is also influenced by life experiences.

Consequences of low self-esteem

Self-esteem is always with you, and it affects every aspect of your life. Low self-esteem can have the following unpleasant consequences:

Gloomy mood. If you only see yourself from a specific perspective, your emotions may be negatively affected. You will become melancholy, depressed, sad or anxious.

Lack of courage. If you consider yourself worthless, you become pessimistic about your ability to influence your life. You feel like you're going to fail sooner or later. This explains why you don't have the courage to take on new or difficult challenges.

Rarely proactive. If you're pessimistic about your abilities, then you need to work harder than usual to be positive. You do less, avoid more. In addition, you are constantly criticizing yourself, which is not helpful because it only tells you what not to do, not what you can do, which leads to so-called "learned helplessness". You concede.

Low sense of accomplishment. Due to your lack of initiative, you are less productive and therefore achieve less. This question is not limited to the important things in your life, it affects all kinds of small things that make life more comfortable. The result of long-term avoidance is that you lose the opportunity to develop or apply skills, and your circle will become smaller and smaller.

There is very little self-appreciation. Because you avoid a lot of things and don't take on so much, you don't have so many reasons to be happy or proud of yourself, and you don't have so many reasons to praise and appreciate yourself.

In this way, you enter a vicious circle. You see yourself more negatively, which will again reinforce your low self-esteem.

A vicious cycle of low self-esteem

For some people, their low self-esteem manifests itself in appearance. They give the impression of nervousness, fickleness or apathy. Still others don't know what's going on inside, may interpret external signals in the wrong way, and they may find it difficult for others to approach. Low self-esteem can also hinder the development of a relationship: praise from a partner is not recognized, or is not trusted, and then rejected. People with low self-esteem may constantly seek their partner's approval. In a new relationship, partners may be happy to do so, but they tend to get bored later on because their love and appreciation don't seem to be recognized.

How to enhance self-esteem and cultivate self-confidence

People who have healthy self-esteem and a delicate, positive mindset about themselves are lucky. Healthy self-esteem can prevent negative effects such as depression or other forms of psychological distress. It is usually accompanied by success, joy and happiness. People with healthy self-esteem are confident and see themselves in positive ways such as "I'm fine" or "I'm okay." People like this have discovered all the positive aspects of themselves, but they also don't deny that they have shortcomings. They understand their strengths, which are related to a variety of specific experiences, events, and behaviors. This is what cognitive behavioral therapy calls "evidence." They are optimistic and confident. Even when things aren't going to go their way, they still have a positive view of themselves. They are also receptive to criticism or rejection, and while they may feel a slight hurt, it does not affect their confidence or change their behavior.

They have a large box in their archives with positive labels on it that are hard to slip away. Not everyone is so lucky to have a positive view of themselves. If a low self-esteem headline attracts you, there's a good chance that your sense of self-esteem is low, and your perception of yourself isn't very positive or stable, and will change with the environment. Your perception of yourself can also be rigid, which means that when you get a new, positive experience, that perception doesn't change.

The approach described in this article is based on cognitive behavioral therapy. The goal is to change the way you see yourself and the way you behave, which in turn will change how you feel about yourself. This approach assumes that what is already stored (your negative core beliefs) cannot be removed, but you can add a new positive core belief, which can compete with the old beliefs you want to remove. You need to fill a small box of positive messages to form a firm, positive core belief. This approach doesn't involve fighting negative beliefs because the less time you spend on the negative belief box and the information it contains, the better. This information has been over-mentioned in the past, and the existence of negative belief boxes has been overly affirmed.

You need to help yourself build a competitive positive attitude towards yourself, and you will need a lot of new information. Think of the process as emptying a shelf from an archive and then putting a box on top of it with the positive label "I'm fine," or "I'm positive." You will start filling this box with positive messages, the more the better, and hopefully it will be filled soon. The negative belief box will get less attention and will not provide more opportunities for you to unknowingly spot negative memories.

In the exercise, you will choose your own label for the new positive belief box. When you think of your own inferiority, you immediately think "I am worthless". It repeats like a mantra. The opposite statement is not difficult to think: "I am valuable. "It's a nice label. Right now, it's hard to believe this, but if you can convince yourself that "I'm worthy," a miracle could happen a year from now.

What do you need to do to boost self-esteem and build self-confidence? Saying "I'm fine" out loud won't help much. You have to see yourself from a new perspective, learn to pay attention to positive facts (big or small) and reflect on them. You have to do as much as you can. However, this step is very difficult to draw the conclusion that "I'm fine" from generating specific actions, thoughts and feelings.

Build self-esteem

"I did the housework, picked up the kids from school, enjoyed the sunshine, and called my elderly aunt so I was fine." This sentence is not convincing to you because you may not be able to do so, and you need to learn to discover your strengths in your daily life. "I'm a rigorous, caring, attentive person, and I can enjoy the little things, so I'm fine", which sounds more convincing. Reinforce positive core beliefs and pay less attention to negative core beliefs, and you will soon develop healthier self-esteem and more self-confidence.

Also, it's important that you start changing your behavior. In many cases, new behaviors will manifest themselves automatically as you learn to see yourself differently, but you can also speed up the process of change. Through new actions, you gain new experiences and thus positive thoughts and feelings about yourself.

Finally, you have to make sure that the negative perceptions of yourself in the past don't recur. Initially, it's still a formidable competitor, but you can put your negative self-perception in a box in a dark corner. In order for change to be visible, you also need to reflect on how confident you are in your new positive core beliefs.

The original author | [Dutch] Manga de Neve

Excerpt from | Zhang Ting

Editors | walk away

Introduction Proofreading | Li Ming