Reporting good news without worrying is an attack

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Author 丨 Infinitely extended triangle

Produced by Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio

Recently, I watched a movie called "Journey to Heaven", which is a very interesting story.

It's about a man named Frank, who used to paint a protective layer on the wires. He and his wife raised four excellent children, the eldest Amy was a big player in the advertising world, the second Robert was the orchestra conductor, the third Rose was a dancer, and the youngest David was a painter.

Eight months after his wife's death, Frank felt that he was getting farther and farther away from his children, so he embarked on a journey to visit the children despite the doctor's advice.

At the end of this journey, he found a lot of unexpected things.

First, the eldest Amy's marriage has gone wrong, and she has been separated from her husband for three months;

Robert was not a conductor, just a drummer in the orchestra;

The third rose has long since stopped dancing, she has doubts about her sexuality, and has become a single mother;

The youngest, David, died of an overdose in Mexico.

Every child is not as happy or successful as he thinks.

All along, both the wife and the children reported good news to Frank.

In fact, many families around me have such interaction patterns.

Every time we call home, we will tell our parents, usually a promotion and salary increase, a happy marriage, and obedient children...

And there are some things that clench their teeth and don't let go, such as:

After working hard in a big city for many years, he was still a small employee of the company, and his salary was reduced by 50% because of the epidemic;

Talking to your husband more and more, he comes home later and later every day, and you even have plans to divorce;

There are also children who are addicted to mobile phones, their grades are a mess, and teachers have even home visits that give you headaches;

......

What exactly makes us only report good news and no bad news to our parents?

There are three possible explanations:

First, be strict

When your internalized parents are "harsh," you may report good news and no worries.

In the movie "Journey to Heaven", father Frank has high hopes for his children. For example, he had this conversation with his youngest son, David:

Father: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Son: I want to be a painter and concentrate on painting.

Father: Don't be a painter. The painter paints on the wall, there will be puppies peeing on the wall, do it as an artist, the artist's painting can change people's lives. So what do you want to do?

Son: Artist.

Father: Yes, will you try? Will you be my pride?

Son: I'll try.

A strict father, "not allowing a child to become a painter is only allowed to become a painter", a child who does not want to disappoint his father. Such pairings can actually be seen in many families.

"I want to be good enough to satisfy my father."

"Being 30 years old and not getting married is the biggest failure of my life, and I have completely disappointed my parents."

If in a family, the parenting of parents is relatively strict, the requirements for the child are relatively high, and there is no possibility of punitive experience, then the child will try to achieve their requirements out of fear.

Like a rabbit that keeps running towards a carrot, "I want to be good enough to get the love of my parents", that is, conditional love.

An important foundation for them to build self-esteem and self-confidence comes from the approval of their parents.

While internalizing a "strict" inner parent, the child's own self-esteem system may be relatively fragile, and the troubles and dilemmas in reality will also activate their "I'm not good enough" experience, accompanied by a certain sense of shame.

And these feelings of shame will make them never mention their bad things about their parents.

In the second half of the film, Frank feels more and more hidden from the children. He finally asked the question in front of his daughter Rose: Why do you have nothing to say to your mother, but you have something to hide from me?

The daughter replied, "You are too strict with us, and I think David feels it the most, and he doesn't want to disappoint you." ”

Frank was shocked, "I just want to be a good father." ”

It is really emotional, in fact, many parents have a very deep love for their children, their original intention, just want to better assume the responsibilities of parents, parenting and teaching children, to create more opportunities for them, so that they can enjoy more happiness and achievements.

There were many results, but they backfired.

Second, control

When your internalized parents are "controlling," you may also report good news and no worries.

When I was abroad in the gap year, I used to partner with a girl named Xiaojiu to round the island.

Later, after talking about it, Xiao Jiu said that he had been abroad for more than half a year, and the most contact with his family was to send his parents landscape photos on the road, as well as to mention the new things he encountered.

"Then when you are in trouble, will you complain and complain to them?" I asked.

"Absolutely not." Xiao Jiu's face was full, "According to my parents' nature, if you tell them about the trouble I am in, make sure they have insomnia every night." And he would have said to me, 'Look, you didn't listen when I told you not to go abroad.' They have more reason to point fingers at me, so I won't take the initiative to send it to the door~

Therefore, Xiaojiu went abroad alone, no matter how hard the work was and how tired life was, she did not confide in her parents.

In the original family, if the parents are full of control over the child, even if the child is an adult, still big things and small things must be inserted horizontally, then such a child may be more like Xiao Jiu to the parents to report good news and no worries, as a self-defense mechanism to use.

There may be two aspects of defense:

One is emotional entanglement with each other.

In the controlling family, the relationship between parents and children is relatively close, and the degree of differentiation of each other's personality is not high enough, so in this case, "a pot of porridge" can be used as a metaphor.

The emotions of any one person in the family will penetrate directly into the hearts of other members without defense, and may have a superimposed effect.

For example, Xiao Jiu's troubles will make parents worry and anxiety to insomnia. And the excessive worry of her parents will become a burden for Xiaojiu, making her feel pain, anger or guilt.

These emotions are like snowballs, rolling bigger and bigger.

The second is to put into action in behavior.

Some parents may not be able to bear the concerns of their children and will directly put them into action, such as "rolling up their sleeves to solve them for their children".

And in solving the problem, they may unconsciously invade the child's self-boundaries. Diplomatically, it interferes in the internal affairs of other countries.

"I also told my mother about the emotional unhappiness, but she actually secretly found my boyfriend without me." Xiao Jiu said.

Therefore, for friends who suffer from parental control, it is not so much to report good news and no worries to their parents, but rather to say that what they want is just a stable and unintruded self-space.

Third, lack

When your internalized parents are "scarce" and "weak", then you may also report good news and no worries.

In "Strange Story", Fu Seoul once said something like this:

I lived with my mother in the rice barn of the grain station until I was three years old, and then she remarried, and I lived with my grandmother. In my memory, my mom rarely laughed and always cried. The most she said to me was, Mom is so difficult, you must be angry, you have to be sensible. I fully understood her poverty, her difficulty, her unhappiness. I know it's not my fault, but I've been wondering if her life would have been a little happier without my drag bottle. So I grew up and never lied, and now that I'm an adult, will I tell her about my unhappiness? I won't. Because I know all too well that the guilt of not being able to help, the discomfort of powerlessness, is more difficult to survive than specific unhappiness.

There is a very important emotional feeling in this: guilt.

When the other person we experience in an intimate relationship is lacking and weak, we may also express less bad news or uncomfortable feelings to the other person.

Because once you report your worries, you may feel that you are attacking the other party or hurting the other party, which will arouse a sense of guilt in your heart.

And under what circumstances would you internalize a "lacking" inner parent?

One situation is that when you are a child, you are not well seen and responded to by important nurturers (such as parents).

The lack of response here may be the actual lack of external environment or materials, such as the rice warehouse where Fu Seoul and his mother lived in the grain store when they were young; it may also come from the child's direct feelings about the emotions of their parents, such as Fu Seoul's mother saying to her daughter, "Mom is so difficult." ”

There is also a situation where an over-giving nurturer is born.

One netizen said:

When I was a child, I loved to eat crabs, and my mother bought them for me from time to time. But every time she ate it, she would always add a sentence: "Crabs are really expensive, and a few of them will go to most of the salary." ” She may have been unintentional, but every time I hear her say that, I feel bad. She was reluctant to buy her own clothes when they were torn, but she spent money for me like this. I felt that I was not eating crabs, but my mother's blood. ”

Originally, I have to give some things that I have less, and the recipient will experience a sense of sacrifice, a sense of loss, and even some, and will also produce a feeling of "removing bones and returning flesh".

In addition, many adult children will not hesitate to report their worries to their aging parents. It may also be an inner parent who experiences the relationship between aging and weakness.

The more we experience each other's lack, the more reluctant we are to tell them about our own sorrows and sorrows.

At the end of Journey to Heaven, Frank is lying alone in a hospital bed, when he has learned from his other children that David has died of a drug overdose.

At the moment of confusion in consciousness, he seemed to see the little David who had once been once again. Father and son talked again.

The son bowed his head and said to his father with some frustration: I have disappointed you.

But this time it was different when his father told him: you can be a painter or a painter. Whatever you do, it's my pride.

The son was finally relieved. My father was finally relieved.

In fact, in my opinion, whether a child reports good news or bad news to his parents is not the most important. More importantly, in each other's hearts, whether there are the following three feelings:

Is the relationship accommodating, whether I'm good or not, you can accept me as I am?

Is the relationship divisible enough, and are you able to allow me to be myself while being with you again?

Is the relationship strong enough, can you accept my love while also carrying my anger and attacks, or some of my bad news and feelings?

If yes, then we can all feel the true expression of the heart, the intimate flow of emotions, and be firmly nourished and supported in the relationship.

A wonderful journey to heaven.