I don't know if you've ever noticed that you always lose your mind because of the same type of words from others?
I've had, and I especially hate people saying things like "how girls should be" and "this is what women should do".
I've always felt like I'm a person who can control my emotions, but every time I hear something like this, my emotions overflow uncontrollably.
The speaker may be unintentional, but I will forget all the techniques of interacting with people at this time, forget the humor, and then the emotions come first.
My friends around me have a similar situation, no matter how you look at it, you are a mature and stable person, but you will lose control because of a certain sentence, or a certain behavior, although in our view, these things are harmless to others, but in the eyes of the person, it is unforgivable.
At first, I thought it was because everyone's thinking is different, so the points of emphasis are different, but after watching the psychologist Geeta. After Jacob's book "0 times and 10,000 times", he understood that the factors that affect us are not only thinking.
Geeta. Jacob has published many books and has extensive clinical experience, working as a clinician and specialist in the Department of Psychiatry and Psychological Therapy at the University Hospital Freiburg from 2002 to 2010. From 2010 to 2013 she studied clinical psychology and psychotherapy at the University of Freiburg. Later, she became the attending physician of psychology at the Gaia Group in Hamburg, Germany.
In her book 0 and 10,000 times, she says: "Say goodbye to the same bad feelings, the same mistakes, the same trauma, become aware of and correct your daily behavior patterns, and have the ability to protect yourself from harm." ”
So how do you zero out bad experiences and make them happen ten thousand times?
Figuring out why bad experiences occur can solve problems from the ground up. Geeta. In this book, Jacob tells us four reasons why we think and behave.
1) Everyone has a child in their hearts
Although everyone has an inner child in his heart, because of the difference between childhood and youth, the inner child is divided into wounded, spoiled, and happy.
When the inner child dominates us, you will feel "shame, loneliness, fear, sadness, helplessness", then your inner child is a wounded inner child; if your feelings are "anger, anger, impulsiveness, stubbornness", then your inner child is a spoiled inner child; only when you feel "happy, curious, carefree, and secure", your inner child is happy.
Different inner children, let us face things, we will also behave differently.
For example, if you have a wounded inner child inside you, when you feel rejected, threatened, abandoned, or demanding, it will jump out and dominate your behavior, making you irrational and even regressive.
At this time, only by understanding it and satisfying it can we let our emotions slowly calm down, and then care for ourselves more, so that we can help the wounded inner child in our hearts.
When the feelings of the spoiled inner child are triggered, we cannot blindly comfort ourselves, and we can calm down the inner child by taking care of the needs behind the anger.
So different inner children will be touched by different things and then behave differently.
What we have to do is to understand what kind of child in our hearts is, which requires us to perceive it with our own hearts.
2) Everyone has a judge in his heart
In addition to the inner child, inside of us, there lives a judge, who may be punitive or harsh, but whose presence makes us feel bitter and inferior.
For our inner judge is the harmful voice from childhood and adolescence. These voices are negative, and their presence makes us feel like we're not good enough and not doing well enough.
They will make us overstepped ourselves, put us under too much pressure, and constantly demean ourselves.
The harsh inner judge will make us put high demands on ourselves, and when we can't reach it, we will also send out a message that we are not good enough, making us feel guilty in our hearts.
For example, a girl who grew up in a family with traditional requirements for girls, then after she marries, even if she tries her best, she will let the inner judge jump out and blame herself when things are not perfect, and fill her heart with guilt and pressure.
The punitive inner judge will belittle ourselves from time to time, and when we are rejected, we will not blame others at the first time, but blame ourselves, feeling that we are not good enough and not cute enough, so we let others refuse.
Seeing this, do you think that these are a little bit of déjà vu?
Because such judges appear in everyone's heart, even if our parents have enough love and care for us in the process of growing up, and meet all our needs, the surrounding environment will still affect us.
So, what we have to do is not to ignore the inner judge, but to learn to discern the message it delivers to us and then focus our attention on the message that is beneficial.
3) Everyone has a childish way of coping
When we are very young, although we do not have any complex circles, but children also have their own interpersonal circles, when we encounter problems in the interpersonal circle, we will take some coping methods to protect ourselves within the cognitive range of childhood.
This method must have seemed childish now, but it was effective at the time.
Therefore, these childish coping styles have been engraved in our hearts, and when we become adults, when some larger problems arise, we will involuntarily choose similar coping styles.
Because many things cannot be chosen during childhood, our coping methods are generally divided into three types: obedience, avoidance, and excessive compensation.
As the name suggests, the obedient way of coping is to choose to stabilize yourself by satisfying others when there is a problem, which will make it difficult for people to say the word "no".
The way to deal with avoidance is not to face the problem directly when there is a problem, but to use games, the Internet and other distracting ways to escape.
The way to deal with over-compensation is to show the opposite opinion of the inner judge, thinking that he is right, and this way of coping will make people appear arrogant, overly controlling, seeking attention, etc., and generally aggressive.
When you face problems as an adult and perceive childish coping styles, you can remind yourself to deal with specific alternative behaviors.
Don't worry, be patient with yourself, from small to large, change little by little.
4, let people happily adult self
"Acknowledging the ego is like a wonderful, tailor-made dress that fits us as it does on the body, suits our current life situation."
Because the adult self allows us to look at our soul life to a certain extent.
In life when things are encountered, the adult ego does not allow our behavior and feelings to be controlled by harmful emotions and behaviors, it keeps us cool-headed and constantly infuses motivation.
Behavior controlled by the adult self is powerful and normal, so that we can have a good grasp of reality and be able to deal with unpleasant experiences.
This is what we call true "maturity."
But we should note that no one will always behave very mature and rational, because our behavior is controlled by these four "selves", so what we have to do is to perceive our emotions, our own behavior, which "self" is in control at this time, and then in a relative way, in exchange for a positive adult self.
After all, the adult self can make us face difficulties more calmly.